State of the Drug Culture Address 2012

A lot of time I see drug law reform tossed aside as a "Minor" issue, a "fringe" issue that no one sensible cares about. From the content of this blog, you probably assume that I think it is not a minor issue, and you are motherfucking correct; violent coercion in the name of public health is not a minor issue. But we, the drug using cultures of America, are partially responsible for this attitude because we are the ones who are voting to put a goddamn rope around our own necks.

I concur that it isn't as important as a sound economy, which no one is giving us, and full respect to individual civil liberties, which no one is giving us, or even a secure border, which no one is giving us. But folks, we have fucked ourselves over in the drug culture in several ways. I'll be listing those ways now and telling you what I think some mitigating steps might be.

1) Framing the issue as "Marijuana Legalization" - Folks, the Reefer is my drug of choice too. It is healthier, safer, more fun and more convenient than any other drug. It is a sacred herb for the Healing of the I, a gift from God Almighty to keep Chris By-The-Throat from killing a man a day. But by framing the issue as marijuana legalization only, we are shooting outselves in the foot. Fact is, bad side effects or the lack thereof is not a valid reason to cede control of our dietary intake to a government body. If the effects are predictable, the drug should be on the open market. The choice is yours, not some politician's, but we have shown ourselves willing to cede that choice to them if they'll just let us have our reefer.
WHAT YOU CAN DO TO HELP: Stop making it about reefer and make it about your sovreign rights as a human. Don't compromise. Don't be content with scraps. Don't even frame the issue as relating to drugs-make it about cyberware.

2) Pretending that drug kingpins are heroes - Look, folks, I admire Tony Montana as much as any wannabe rebel fratboy, or maybe less, but we need to stop acting like these men are our friends. They pour shitloads of money into keeping the product illegal to protect their profit margin, and we act like these assholes are robin hood whenever they buy a local family a turkey for Thanksgiving. These are dangerous, ruthless men, and WHEN drug law reform happens, they are going to cause big trouble for us, of the buckets of gore variety.
WHAT YOU CAN DO TO HELP: Grow\cook your own and get ready for war, because these men will make war on you to keep you in their power.

3) Refusing to support the candidate that promises to enact drug law reform due to ideological purity - Right now, this means Ron Paul in the mainstream political arena. You'd be amazed at how many people on various Weed Legalization forums hiss like wet cats when they see an R after someone's name by instinct, and then when you call them on it, they go 'Pffft, if weed was the only thing that mattered.' You stupid motherfucker, weed doesn't matter, but an endless cycle of incarceration and murder to fight the devil weed does matter. It matters a lot, and in case you haven't noticed, our people are being killed.
WHAT YOU CAN DO TO HELP: Swallow your 'Republicans are t3h icky' bias and vote for the candidates that will enact reform. Pick your nits carefully when it comes to what you won't support; remember that the President cannot declare all the things that you hate to be law by kingly decree.

4) Accepting the legitimacy of ill conceived laws - The most maddening thing about drug law in this country is how easy it makes you submit. I mean, first offenses for weed are usually slaps on the wrist if you happen to be white and middle class, so there is no reason to kick up a fuss, no reason to make yourself appear dangerous-just assume the position, ride in the squad car, post your bail and go home. Of course, they can kill you at any time, the threat of murder is always present, but it just feels so formalized, so like a ritual song and dance number, that you don't even have a chance to react when they decide to Jose Guerena your ass into a pulverized sack of lead and bone chips. I'm not saying 'fuck the police comin' straight from the underground' but this law abiding citizen schtick has gotten us nowhere.
WHAT YOU CAN DO TO HELP: Google 'Jury Nullification' and while you are at it, start getting all militant and scary. There is no reason to legitimize the abuses our people are suffering. They should live in fear, not us.

5) Staying at home on the couch - You know who you are, you slack ass stoner. We can't expect the heroin users to get up and do anything, but our substance isn't nearly as crippling and we need to be OUT THERE, KICKING UP A FUSS. Too many of us are afraid to step up, afraid to go to the marches, afraid to go to the protests, maybe because we don't want to lose our jobs, maybe because we don't want to get on the watch list. Fuck that. Get loud. You can't hardly meet a person who thinks drug laws are perfect the way they are yet somehow we are the marginalized minority who gets murdered at will. This is not acceptable.
WHAT YOU CAN DO TO HELP: Set your alarm and go to the protests. Network. Organize. Resist.

6) Focusing on the national level - The sytem is much more malleable at the local level. Letter writing and petitions are much more relevant to the local lawmaker, and of course the local lawmaker is a much softer target for assassination, so these folks will listen to you much more attentively than anyone in Washington. Use that. If you can't go to the national march, go to the local march. If you can't make the local march on time, network and create a new one. The individual has greater power the further down the bureacratic pyramid you go, and if the states have the sack to stick with their 10th amendment related legislation, you may have a fighting chance to avoid persecution.
WHAT YOU CAN DO TO HELP: Write letters, sing kumbayah, all that good shit-but think globally and act locally. Go in for face to face meetings with your state legislature. A libertarian president would be nice, but a libertarian mayor and county sheriff can do a lot to make your life easier.

Remember, Mr and Mrs American Drug User, no other minority group in the country faces institutionalized prosectuion and murder, yet somehow our complaints are whining and our visions are pipe dreams. Our parents and grandparents allowed these rights to circle the drain along with a lot of other rights, but this might be the year we can take them back.

The forces against us are many. The current administration has made it clear that the cartels are necessary, even to the point of arming them and has thus made it clear that legalization is not on the table. The cartels have unlimited money and plenty of politicians in their pockets whose minds won't change no matter how good our arguments are. The vast majority of police view us as spoiled, entitled children whining for a pacifier while they shoot us in the face. And the greater public pays no attention to our murders when they do happen, or chalk it up as inconsequential and to be expected.

Those forces are many, but they are not infinite. We have a lot of work to do-but what alternative do we have?

Good luck, everyone, and Jah blessings.

My 5 Gun Fantasy

Granted, filling this list has about the same odds as my 5 Celebrities I'd Like to Have As Sex Slaves list, but what the hell. I'd give you both lists, but I don't want these celebrities stepping up their security at inopportune times. The gun list, though, is easy.

1. A Transferable AKM - I am willing to concede that a lot of the point of the AK is lost when you make it semi auto. Apparently there are 3 or 4 registered, transferable AK's in the country, all of which would probably cost more than my future house. Fuck paying for it, but I'd love to have one. I think this is the only practical item on the list as I would make this my bugout carbine. A to the motha fuckin' K homeboy.

2 A. Freedom Arms Model 83 Premier Grade in .454 Casul - I have always wanted a very big bore, sexified single action revolver as a sort of dress up gun. I can picture this gun in my head, all engraved with elaborate curliques like a +5 magic item, with Mammoth ivory grips, an Enfield style peep sight, and a stylized skull-and-bong logo on the cylinder. Mmmm...I'll be in my bunk.

3. An original Winchester 1897 Model Shotgun - The very gun that made the Kaiser cry like a sausage eating bitch. There are a lot of weapons I like for their history, and though in general I'm not a shotgun guy, I love the idea of owning this gun specifically because it made America's enemies howl in frustration, and because it is sort of like John Moses Browning's lost bastard child.

4. An Anzio Ironworks Mag Fed 20mm Rifle - I just want a stupidly large bore gun for no other reason than because I can have it. Granted, in the full on Mad Max scenario it might have some use in stopping hard targets...but that isn't why I want it because I have no intention of humping that big bastard on a bugout. I just want a stupidly large rifle that shoots stupidly large rounds. I could call it the Dominatrix because no matter how much it punishes me, I would keep going back to it. (I'm kind of a recoil junkie and I hear 20mm is like spiking right into your neck compared to other calibers.)

5. A Russian PKM - Either full auto or semi auto with a crank fire type adapter, for mounting to the sidecar of my (future) Ural. I also have a perverse urge to throw pink Hello Kitty Furniture on it. I just want to do drivebys with Gracie in the side car plugging away at Zombie targets as we rush by. I could really be happy with any beltfed in this position, but the PKM is ideal. Still, I wouldn't say no to an MG34 or even something older and water cooled like a Vickers. The equation is simple-beltfed mounted on sidecar = Happiness.

Femslash Friday - Tinkerbell x Vidia

I realized today that some time ago I promised all you sick fucks a discussion on the frenemy \ girl crush themes between Tinkerbell and Vidia in the CGI Disney Fairies line. I never really delivered on that before, but let it never be said that Chris By-The-Throat is kidding around when it comes to Disney Girl On Girl.

Go ahead, peruse Fairypedia for background info if you need to. I'll wait. Ya sick bastards. If you just stumbled across here using that search keyword and have no interest in the ramblings of a stoned libertarian gun blogger, head on over to ImageFap and type "Ultimate Tink" into the search bar; you'll find all the Tink porn your pervy little heart could ever desire. Think happy thoughts.

So yeah. Tinkerbell x Vidia. The stuff of slash fiction wet dreams, these two rivals are always engaging in intense staredowns and snarky back-and-forths. Functionally, Tinkerbell is the Harley Quinn and Vidia is the Poison Ivy. Tink is sparkling and trusting and innocent, and Vidia is crass and jaded and rather manipulative. It works (in my head-remember that you are all knee deep in my brain meat on this blog) and it works better if you watch the Great Fairy Rescue because you can see how stressed Vidia is when Tink gets kidnapped. The snarky bitch cares, and is actually a little possessive.

Sometimes the touches are smaller than that, though. Here, pervs, sometimes the content just generates itself. Just watch it; you knew you were going to when you came here and didn't back away immediately.



Would I care to contemplate the psychospiritual ramifications of me contemplating lesbian relationships between Disney Fairies? No. No, I would not care to do that at all.

The SHTF Folder

People love to talk about their sexy gear and guns on survivalism board but no one ever talks about the planning and skull sweat that goes into managing a SHTF group. I've been as guilty of Walter Mitty Mall Ninja-ry as anyone, but today I'd like to point out something that I have that the other "SKS + Full Spam Can + Head Colander = Preparedness" types do not have.

You can just walk on if you want a long list of my high speed low drag qualifications; my sole experience has been acquired in organizing our group for mock bugouts and thus is strictly non professional. But over the years I've put together a pretty good group and we have a couple of solid plans in place for disaster preparation. So I'd like to post about the SHTF Folder today and describe what it is and what we do with it. I'll start by listing the Table of Contents, verbatim, and I'll talk about each chapter.

Preface
(This is my special, uplifting message to group members who are opening the folder.)

Chapter 1 (Personnel) : Contact Lists, Qualification Tracker, Area Breakdown, Command Structure
(This is the business end of our preps though it is one of the shortest chapters. I find that when you have to keep track of 25+ people it requires a fair bit of paperwork and I prefer to keep updated contacts, and I have a very simple command structure revolving around the Household as the basic unit. It isn't complicated or pompous like your average militia "colonel's" might be but it does put a command structure in place for when we need it.)

Chapter 2 (Communications) : Phone Tree Protocol, COMSEC Procedures, Signals Chart
(Communications is one of the most important things we will be doing; things like our Phone Tree ensure that news reaches everyone and the protocol also allows for intelligence to be fed back up the chain to the command staff. It also outlines security procedures for radio comms in the field and provides a frequency chart with code words)

Chapter 3 (Operations) : States of Readiness, Rally Points, Procedures for Bug In\Bug Out\Fireteam
(This is the meat and potatoes of the manual and it contains our various SOPs when a disaster is occurring, depending on what the plan is. It also designates rally points and the expectations of members in various positions.)

Chapter 4 (Intelligence) : Risk Assessment, Maps & Topography, Scenario Outlines, Local Hazard Tracker
(This section contains all of our map data making it uber critical; it also contains addendum to bugout procedure based on the type of disaster and a section on risk assessment and intelligence reporting. It also provides a form to track potential dangers.)

Chapter 5 (Resource Management) - Inventory Tracker(Food, Ammo, Other) Cache Management System, Group Funding Records
(This chapter is all about piles of stuff. It provides blank sheets for keeping inventory of supplies as well as protocols and systems for managing caches, not that we have any respectable caches yet. It also contains a place for record keeping of group funds.)

Appendix 1: Useful Miscellany
(This section is mostly for cut and paste info that I found useful or relevant; about 50% of it is from Survivablog or Zombie Squad)

Appendix 2: Addendum for Command Staff
(This contains information just for area commanders and AXOs. This is not with every folder and contains a fair bit of info on how I believe this group should be led.)

Anyway, there you have it. As I always say-you can bug out without a rifle, you can bug out without food or water, you can bug out without a shelter or a knife or a bag...but you should never bug out without a plan.

How is your plan looking, folks? What goes in your SHTF folder?

I Has Arrived?

Practically a meme in the gunblogging community, I Has Arrived? or variations thereof are what you do when you see a visitor from the FedGov on your sitemeter. I actually got the same visitor as Zoomie discusses in this post. The routine for a gunblogger is usually the same; you post a picture capture of the sitemeter from when you got the visitor and then talk some shit Walter's is a fine example but you can find more with a 5 minute googling.

Pretty fucked up, though, when any government snooping has become a meme in your freedom loving, "don't bother me and I won't shoot your dick off" community, isn't it?

It would be nice if these were all subversives working within the system and merely wasting their employer's time by browsing Liberty Sphere blogs on the employer's dime-but somehow, I don't think so.

Combined with them detaining Rand Paul at the airport, all the dickery with TJIC, MVB's blog being hacked, and probably a shitload of things we don't know about, we are starting to see a pattern of harassment on those who would stare the Leviathan in the face and call it what it is. The problem is, when ridicule doesn't work, which way is the Leviathan going to jump?

Interesting times, eh comrades?

Pulp Nerdgasm

Tonight at work I've been reading the Sailor Steve Costigan stories by Robert E Howard. Conan is (probably deservedly) the more enduring of Howard's creations, but I have really come to appreciate Howard's fight stories. Howard's approach to narrating the Sweet Science is elegant and precise; he knew boxing a lot better than sword fighting IMHO and so his action sequences thereof are much more badass.

That said, I just love Steve Costigan as a character. How can you not? He's a merchant mariner who loves his dog and knocks some motherfucker's lights out at every port of call between Shanghai and Manila, a man who would live by his wits but lacks the brainpower so he punches all of his problems in the jaw. I can appreciate the dogged tenacity of a dude like that, the "Bulldog Breed" as it were.

If you want to check out the collection, it is on Archive.org in the public domain here It might be, uh, slightly racist, so if even a hint of racism drives all rational thought from your brain, just go back to reading Sandy Vag magazine or whatever and forget it. But if you like a taste of exotic locales slathered liberally with good ol' fashioned maritime ass whoopin' then check it out. You won't regret it, and I'd like to keep Sailor Steve and Iron Mike alive in the popular conciousness. That way, if all fictional realms eventually merge together in some sort of Crisis on Infinite Earths, maybe the gratitude will keep him from punching out my Nephandi

Yeah, I like to plan for the low percentage scenario. What of it?

Lauren's Law

Hi America. Y'all remember Lauren Spierer, right? Her face is plastered over half of Bloomington right now.

I don't have anything against this girl. I hope they find her someday. I hope they find that black guy missing from Bedford, too, but nobody seems to care about that. Anyhow I want to talk a little bit about the mindset of this modern citizenry that views government as the solution instead of the problem.

You can find my harping point today on Change.org along with all the other sewage-Lauren's Law Petition

So yeah. 3,500 motherfuckers are okay with the government hooking you up to a brain scanning machine without a warrant or a trial in the case of a missing person. Leaving aside the efficacy of both Online Petitions and Polygraph Machines, what the fuck is wrong with these people? I mean I'm sure none of them have read Isaac Asimov's The Singing Bells or Phillip K. Dick's Minority Report, so maybe they aren't looking at this law with an eye for the future-but I'm a nerd, motherfucker, and I see nothing but horror in this concept.

Sometime, maybe 2099 or so, they are going to develop a psychic probe machine. And thanks to this law, there has been a legal precedent for them to brain probe you without a warrant or a trial since 2012.

I'm sorry, but I just don't think 17 year olds read much anymore-and even if they do, they don't touch on these concepts much in Twilight, do they?

A Whale of A Tale to Tell Ya Lads

Via my #2 Heathen I caught wind of this story.

A Marine Biologist charged with multiple felonies for-wait for it-video taping some orcas eating a baby grey whale. Oh, sure, apparently she stirred up the shredded blubber with some ropes to get a better video, so technically she did violate the Marine Mammal Protection Act-but are we really accomplishing the goal of protecting Marine Mammals if we start locking up Marine Biologists? Especially those that make Marine Biology economically viable by leading commercial boat tours?

And don't get me started on the conspiracy charges; it takes longer to get the rough cut than the money cut in any film industry, and all she is guilty of is handing over what she had which is the edited version of the film. A simple subpoena would have gotten the rest of the footage out of her, but that doesn't buttfuck her nearly as hard and we can't have that. We have to protect whales, don't you see how important that is? What are you, a whale hater? Fuckin' Marine Biologists and their anti whale conspiracies.

Our government sheepdogs are looking kind of rabid these days, aren't they? Anyway, Disney video in case you are wondering about the title.

SOPA Strike - Because Fuck 'Em

No content for you today, Scumfucketeers.

Get Pissed. Do something.

We must burn every tentacle the Leviathan reaches out with. Remember, each tentacle is eventually going for your throat. Or up your orifices; I guess that option is also on the table. Either way-kill that shit. Kill it with fire.

My X Never Y

I just want to throw something out there.

I own X and X has never jammed through eleventy billion rounds of +P is never a valid statement.

A common statement among Hi Point and Taurus Judge shooters, this scientific bomb is dropped as evidence of a firearm's reliability.

Folks, if your weapon never jams, you just aren't running it hard enough. There will be failures in any mechanical device with moving parts; that is a simple fact. To really determine a weapon's reliability, you have to keep a detailed log of rounds fired, magazine and ammunition type used, etc. etc. Just saying "My Taurus PT 24/7 has never had a single FTF and I've owned it for 18 years BEST PISTOL EVAR ZOMG!!!" doesn't work, especially when the fucker has been sitting in a safe for most of that time.

Run your shit hard and keep a record if you really want to guess on reliability. For me, I will continue to use God's Pistol (a stock GI 1911) and accept the fact that failures happen. If a Taurus (or, *shudder* Hi Point) is all you can afford, I'm not going to bust your balls-plenty of my shit is cheap-but don't spew nonsense about how it is a perfectly reliable pistol that is denigrated by Internets Haters. Just get good at Malfunction Drills and practice your pistol whip. Actually, you should practice those things even if you have a pistol that the Internets Hardcases say is dead nuts reliable-because you're still one crappy primer away from an FTF.

This has been your drug addled rant for the day; please resume your responsible gun blogging.

My Gun Culture & Yours

Is anyone else concerned with the pussification of survivalists and gun owners?

If I'm the only one I'll shut up, but I'm noticing a few disturbing trends on my various gun-and-survivalism forums.

Maybe it was my upbringing; I was raised survivalist the way some people are raised Baptist, and they were survivalist's survivalists, not "preppers" by Gawd. They wore camo BDUs (woodland of course) and advocated .38 revolvers and bolt action rifles, maybe a garand at the outside-if you need a semi auto it was because you couldn't shoot straight. They read Kurt Saxon and Ragnar Benson and Soldier of Fortune and practiced the odd bit of poaching or drug dealing to make ends meet. The nice, sensible, prepper community on ZS likes to make fun of these 70's era survivalists; they like to pretend that they are cool and ironic and much more urbane and sophisticated than "those crazy militia nutjobs" but I sometimes wonder if most of them have the stomach for what is coming.

Maybe you don't think we've lost anything by going all sensible and "grey man." I'm not sure if we have or not, if shedding the 'Post Apocalypse Badass Cowboy' romanticism was a good thing or if maybe losing the romance was something we will regret later. Is it time to be reasonable, or time to be scary? Is there room for both?

I damn sure don't like these urban hipsters posting pictures of spotless Kifaru backpacks and accessory encrusted ARs while they make fun of how dumb my parents were. You can't even be bothered to get your shit dirty, you fucking poseurs-you don't know a goddamn thing about survivalism.

But you'll learn.

Raising an Epic Chid - Gracie's Song List

Gracie sang a mash up of 3 Shades of Black and Soft Kitty today.

She does that sometimes, mashes songs together or replaces words or lines with other lines. She does the Elmo thing where she finds a word she likes and sings it to the tune of "Twinkle Twinkle Little Star." She hums the songs we sing to her while she does things in her quiet, gravely focused way, building blocks or assembling train tracks or coloring.

These are typical experiences for parents, but most parents probably don't expose her to any good music until much later than we do.

The songs I sing her when she goes to bed at night are chosen very carefully; they have to be songs that I can always remember no matter what my state of intoxication might be. Thus, we have a sort of ADD mix CD setup here, with metal and country and nursery rhymes and showtunes all juxtaposed together. I thought you might like to see the partial list of songs my daughter is always singing or humming and the names she calls them.

Clutch, Cypress Grove - AKA "Now Women" (This song is arguably her favorite; she likes to listen to it on my phone)
Monster Magnet, All Friends and Kingdom Come - AKA "Enter Now" (The standby for when Daddy is *really* fucked up-I can sing this song upside down and blindfolded)
Hank Williams, Cocaine Blues - AKA "Early One Morning" (She loves to sing along with this one; she knows every line)
Fiddler On The Roof OBC, If I Were A Rich Man - AKA "Dibba Dibba" (I catch her singing this one on her own all the time, just going "Dibba dibba dibba dum" at random)
Ronnie James Dio, Rainbow in the Dark - AKA "Rainbow inna Dark" (A good, heavy metal lullaby song)
Tim Mcgraw, Don't Take The Girl - AKA "Johnny's Daddy" (This is a mommy song, but Gracie asks for it all the time)

There are other songs too, especially classic nursery songs, but I find they don't last long enough to have a prayer at getting her to sleep. She needs to have long enough to lose interest in singing and dancing and start getting soothed. I think most people would be creeped out to hear me sing to my daughter; I usually kind of render these songs into a Disney Sing Along format that is probably quite unnerving to anyone that listens to the lyrics.

But I'm raising a bad ass daughter that will someday pwn your little honor student's face off, bitch.

The Scumfuck Praxis: Stealth (Best of CBTT's ZS Posts)

The number one component of stealth is patience. Expect extremely slow going if you intend to avoid all contact.

Mobile stealth is 10x harder than static stealth. In a static position, if you are well camoflaged (by debris, ghillie suite, behind a blind) and do not move and remain quiet, the majority of people will not notice you. But if you want to be moving around it is going to be much harder to remain undetected. First off, movement is one of those things that draws the eye instantly, especially rapid or jerky movement. Second, even with noise discipline, the sound of your own footsteps (you will not have 100% silent footsteps with all your gear) can drown out other sounds in the area that you might be alert to otherwise, in addition to giving away your position to others. And thirdly, part of the awareness you could be using to search for potential contacts in the area is going to be given over to the basic task of moving and navigating the busted ass landscape.

Notice these tips are mostly about perception. It is exceedingly hard to hide from someone you do not know is there. So your awareness must be razor sharp if you truly want to move through an area undetected. Here are a couple of tips.

(Editor's note: I am not anybody high speed, but I played a lot of jailbreak as a kid)

1: When in doubt, freeze in place. Again, movement is the absolute first thing that the eye notices. If you suspect but do not know you have been spotted and you are not immediately being fired upon, there is no reason not to take a few seconds to look around.
2: Do not look over the top of things. Cresting a hill or peeking over a fence means that your silhouette is easily visible.
3: When trying to maneuver around potential contact, go farther than you think you need to. People move and if you are going around them it is unlikely you will have any idea what they are up to.
4: Almost more important than good camouflage is good optics. Again, it is highly beneficial if you see them before you can hope to evade them. Good binocs and maybe an NVD are a big help here.
5: Step slowly and carefully, but don't obsess over it. It is more important that you do not trip or knock over anything huge than it is to try some ninja rice paper walk. Most noises are relegated to background noise unless they stand out, so you can get away with more small noises than you think.
6: Be aware of ambient noise and how it can help you. A loud truck, gunfire or a siren can cover the noise if you need to move fast. On a similar note, use distractions when you can. I'm not saying try some ol' Manhunt shit here but the less someone's attention is focused in your direction the better off you are.
7: Sentry removal: Don't try it. There is almost never a reason not to evade in the first place, and that is the kind of stealth that is nearly impossible for us mere mortals. Remember, proximity negates preparation in almost all cases-if you do it right, you don't need to be garrotting motherfuckers.
8: A guy with a spotlight is blind to nearly everything outside it. You would be amazed at how often a spotlight can sweep just over or around you without giving you away. We used to play with a massive 8 D cell monster spotlight and it still only projects a beam 2 feet wide that you can play tag with all night if you are good.
9: Have an immediate plan of action if you get spotted. Depending on the situation, that might be fight or run away, but know what to do immediately and how to signal others to do the same. You will only have a split second in some cases so it is best to know now.
10: Smooth, deliberate movements. When you have to move, you can go faster than you think to if you keep all the movements very smooth. Don't power walk your arms or jerk your head around to look at stuff; instead make every movement flow together.

Ugh, I didn't mean for this to turn into some long pedantic lecture from a guy with a shitload of hide and seek under his belt and nothing else. But rest assured that each of these little truisms has been religiously field tested. :D

Sad Gracies

Recent circumstances have caused Amanda to pick up more hours at her job.

I don't like this for a number of reasons, but the worst of them really hit home today-Gracie fuckin' hates it and there is nothing I can do to console her.

Daddy and Gracie day used to be a special day where Daddy cut down his sleep to three hours and we spent the whole day together doing fun stuff. It was fun and different-one day a week. Now that its Daddy and Gracie day four days a week, it has become painful and depressing for both of us. For me, it isn't that bad-the sleep thing sucks, but I can just up my pill intake if I need to. The housework is suffering because while I do housework, I'm not as meticulous or detail oriented as my lovely wife. That doesn't bug me either; as long as I have a clear spot in the floor to pace on I can live with it. But really, the problem is that it is breaking Gracie's heart to be separated from her Mommy so much and that I find I cannot stand.

Today she just clung to me and sobbed for Mommy. Not even a screaming tantrum, but a low quiet sobbing where she asked for Mommy over and over. I couldn't get the kid to eat tacos, and she is the taco eatinest kid I ever saw in my whole goddamn life. Towards the end of the night I got her to lay with me and watch a movie, but she still whimpered every time I moved and jumped up if she heard the door handle jiggle. Once she fell asleep, I carried her up to bed and laid down with her, and she still woke up sobbing every twenty minutes until Mommy got home and I went in to work.

It is a hideous thing to hurt your child for their own good; no matter how much we need the money to pay off our various debts and bankroll our various schemes, I wish we were a single income family again. Christ knows that even with Amanda working we still don't have enough money, and when your little girl is curled up in the fetal position and won't eat because she misses her Mommy, it makes you wonder about the ol' cost\benefit ratio.

Occupy Bloomington Evicted

If you heard it here first, its probably because you didn't care-Occupy Bloomington has been kicked to the curb.

Apparently one chick chained herself to a tree. I wonder if she used Mike Sullivan's tree? The picture doesn't look like it. (U c wot i did thar? That's the difference between a Bloomington resident and a goddamn bored college student whining for more entitlement. I know Mike Sullivan's fucking name.) Anyway there were no fireworks-the occupation was not that large at the time they finally chopped it down and there were only two arrests made. I wonder how badass your rebellion is if only two of you stick around long enough to be arrested?

Anyway, despite my constant stream of snark, I'm not unsympathetic to the movement. I like pissed off rabble, and a lot of you are clearly scum, which makes you a de facto member of my team. But if you can't keep up with the minutes of your own meetings over a short period of time, how the hell do you think you are going to accomplish anything?

I hope they continue meeting and training and coordinating. I hope they refine their agenda into something that makes sense. I am sorry for the various abuses that have occasionally been perpetuated on their brethren. But I'm glad People's Park doesn't smell like piss anymore.

How To Fuck A Space Duck

Welcome to the other portion of my blog. Sometimes I talk about heavy shit, and sometimes I go on about cartoons. You'll get used to it.

So seriously, what the hell?

In case you are wondering, the Mighty Ducks cartoon is loosely based on the Disney film about the titular hockey team-or maybe that film is based on the actual Mighty Ducks of Anaheim, a legitimate hockey team, and the cartoon builds off the same franchise. In either case, someone decided to jazz it up a little by making the hockey players actual ducks from another dimension who arrive in their space ship, take up hockey, strap on some puck blasting lasers and start fighting crime. No, seriously. Basically, the premise is like Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, only more like Youthful Alien Hockey Ducks. A plucky team of heroes blasting away at space lizards with various hockey themed weapons and vehicles apparently ran for 26 freaking episodes.

Don't you just want to go back in time and sit in on that pitch meeting? Like, not even step in to change the flow of history, stop the holocaust, warn America about the housing bubble, whatever...I just want to sit in on the meeting where some guy says "Man, we need to jazz up the franchise, merch revenues are low," and some coke addled jack off goes "Hey, Ninja Turtles is doing pretty well, why don't we have space ducks that fight crime?" And the worst part is, somehow they got everyone to agree to this idea and put it into production.

Just kind of takes your breath away, doesn't it?

(If you are wondering about the title of this entry, no, I have no idea how to fuck a space duck. Why would you even click that, you sick bastard?)

Live From Some Stoner's Couch: Iowa Caucus Coverage.

8:28pm - Just got Gracie to bed. Anyone know any good Caucus Drinking Games? Maybe take a drink every time someone goes ZOMG RASCIST and finish your beer whenever some ponce calls Ron Paul unelectable.

8:30pm - Fox News coverage is set up on the feed in theory. Must fix computer. Bong rips not helping. This r srus stuff d00dz. Ah, there we go. Aw. Newt Gingrich's face just killed my boner. I feel just like Slick Willy.

8:41pm - Roomate dispatched for rolling papers and chaser. This god awful boring shit should get more interesting soon.

8:44pm - 1% Reporting and people are already talking shit like we know anything at this stage

8:50pm - One of the fat fuck pundits just bet donuts; you know he was sure .

8:54pm - Although I have no idea what they are basing this off of, one of the pundits just said "Well, Bachman is out" and I still thought "Oh Thank God."

8:59pm - Am I stoned or did one of these guys just bet a factory?

9:09pm - I truly do not care about "The Results of President Obama's Live Chat"

9:24pm - Gracie just woke up and needed to be put back to bed. What did I miss? Oh wait, 18% reporting. What the fuck have they been talking about this whole time? Oh wait-nothing.

9:34pm - Mmmm. Budweiser.

9:35pm - This red banner that says "Follow Fox News on Twitter" has been on the screen the entire time. Look man, if I haven't started following your twitter by now, it just isn't in the cards. Take it off for fuck's sake.

9:37pm - I was really hoping to go the whole night without the mention of Sarah Palin. Least said, soonest mended.

9:47pm - Honestly the commercial break in the online feed-generic jazz over the logo-was a like a nice cool breeze. Maybe I should watch the screen saver for awhile instead.

9:58pm - Amanda gets home soon. I think I'll have lost interest by then. Maybe I should watch How I Met Your Mother.

The Inter Nets Shuffle

It has been an odd couple of days.

The rush of blog traffic kind of shocked me; I went from the majority of my traffic being google searchings for "pooping" turning up here and of course a few of my other on-and-offline chums to, well, whatever I've got now. I'm not really even sure when to or how to respond to comments-not like the technical aspects, but when does a comment require a response and how do you choose what comments to remark on? Like, what are the protocols for when you post your reaction to someone else's shit on your own page? I do have to say I am enjoying all the new blogs to read; some of you are pretty funny motherfuckers.

Thanks for reading, Scumfucketeers, but don't take me as seriously as I do.

Anyway, it is weird to see my traffic meter showing me getting links on various gun forums, though I'm not sure how to handle people talking shit about me on the internet-none here, but a few on some of these gun forums. I stopped short of going Jay and Silent Bob on some of them, and a little short of registering on their forums and posting itemized rebuttals, but I will say this-fuck all you motherfuckers. Ya'll don't know me, so don't fucking judge. I'm sorry I offended your tender Fudd ears and puckered your tender Fudd buttholes.

Anyway, if you are new here, and love guns and firey rhetoric, you might check out this post. If you want to know what I think about the dominant political cuture, remixed with my love of Disney, check out this one. And hey-try this one if you are dying to paint me as a rascist-I'm looking at you, SPLC.

Finally, if you think I should just shut the fuck up and make with the hilarity, go with this one.

Thanks again for reading, folks. I'm gonna be updating the ol' blogroll pretty soon, so stay tuned for exciting format changes! Or nothing! Also possible! WHOOOO ADDERALL!