Femslash Friday: Aurora X Snow White

No matter how weird and offsetting your perversion is, someone out there is willing to put in more effort than you in realizing it.

I hope this gives you comfort, you sick bastads.

Femslash Friday: Rapunzel X Helga

This is just super cute to me.

I wonder what the Atlantis fandom is like?

Shamelessly cribbed from here.  Head on over for larger versions and more Femslash goodness.

Character Classes in Gracieworld

The art of interactive storytelling is as old as the forebrain, if not older.  We use a lot of toys to entertain ourselves now, from NERF guns to polyhedral dice to specialized computers the size of your palm to anal beads.  But the simple fact is that all forms of entertainment are subservient to one-we like to hear, and tell, good stories.

Telling Gracie a bedtime story is always an adventure, and it is something like a cross between self insertion fan fiction and role playing.  Typically "Princess" Gracie goes out on adventures.  We have, over the course of the past 5 years, set a sort of campaign setting up that is reiterated in every intro like cheap 80's cartoons.  The basic premise is that Gracie and her dog Sadie live in a castle on the edge of a spooky forest filled with various monsters and undead antagonists, and she goes adventuring for various reasons (I typically give her an objective every time, such as "Save Pingu from the mean witch" or "Explore the spooky pumpkinhead's cave."

Anyway, each time I let her pick her equipment loadout and such, but lately, over the past month or so, she has been describing her abilities to me instead, accompanied by a name or label she uses. Note that this is without me projecting anything to her; she has based it off her loadout and abilities she chooses at the beginning of her "adventure."  And it seems to come down to character classes.  So I thought I'd list the character classes she has given me so far.  Note as well that guns are typically included on any adventure and are not any particular class feature.

"Riding Hood" as in "Red Riding Hood."  The riding hood classe appears to be some form of benevolent ranger and is her most frequently picked class.  She has described a Riding Hood's powers as walking "Very far and very fast."  Specialized equipment includes the hood itself (which sometimes has magic powers) and the basket.

"Cowgirl"  Typically, this is a mounted character in boots with a Woody hat.  Abilities seem to be limited to horsemanship, although some of the feats of horsemanship she describes are pretty impressive.  Specialized equipment includes the woody hat and the "cowboy string" which is a lariat and also sometimes has magic powers.

"Ballerina"  This is the newest incarnation and is largely a product of her grandma getting her a ballet costume.  Still, we went over the ballerina gracie version tonight and apparently they can "Dance and sneak and jump really well" which makes a sort of intuitive sense to me.  The ballerina doesn't appear to have any specialized equipment, except the outfit itself.

"Fairy \ Nice Witch"  This is sort of a hybrid catch-all spellcasting class.  Sometimes the witch flies on her broom, sometimes the witch has fairy wings and casts fairy spells.  Special abilities include magic use, which in Gracie's paradigm is mostly limited to baleful polymorphs.  Specialized equipment includes her magic wand or "bibbidy bobbidy boo" and occasionally a broom to ride.

Somehow, I think I could make a coherent game system out of this.

Femslash Friday - MOAR TINKERBELLE

Just when I was about to give up on prayer, some sweet deity gives me this.

Obviously Tink is my favorite Disney character to ship.  I tried hard to nail down the source for this image but couldn't find anything to link to; it appears to be some kind of Google Images Mary Celeste.

I'll see you next week Scumfucketeers.

Yeah, yeah, the stoner forgot his google password for awhile...

Sue me; sometimes I typify the worst aspects of my demographic.

Training hard, trying to pimp my book to people who obviously fail at recognizing awesome, and still 100% disgusted with politics.  No news on the unicorn front but God provides when He is ready, not me.

In the meantime, there are always Disney Hookers.

Stay with me Scumfucketeers.

I'll have more for you soon.

Promise.

Femslash Friday: Because No One Demanded It

Full Sized Image at the source

I'm trying to avoid stealing too much from one artist at a time as a nominal genuflection in the direction of artistic integrity.

This artist is one of the actually talented ones so check 'em out if you dig the femslash scene.  And I know you do, sick fucks.

Femslash Friday - Megashy x Ariel

 Shamelessly stolen as the rest of my Femslash Friday media tends to be.  But I'll link this one as I have a feeling I'll be stealing more in the future.

I imagine Megashy x Ariel as a good pairing; one quiet and innocent, one bold and forward.  I can definitely say it works for me.

Holy Shit I Forgot About Femslash Friday

Must because I actually had something to say.

Here, you sick bastards.  You know Daddy loves you.

Femslash Friday: No Words Necessary Edition

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

Nothing to see here folks

No Joint Sweeter Than The Disneyworld Joint

Just got my ass back from vacation in Florida.  I did miss a chance to meet Miss Erin Palette due to my own foolishness and inebriation, but other than that it more or less without a hitch.

Anyway, today's sordid tale is how I went about getting high in Disney World.

There are smoking areas all over the park but there are less than there used to be; I had to struggle to find one.  The process began the previous day when I rolled myself up a slick secret agent using a marlboro and a couple of Marleys.  I slit it up the middle and filled it with a bit of Indiana's Finest, repaired it with a couple of papers, capped it at the end with a little tobacco, and hollowed out the filter with the tip of a knife to let the smoke flow through.  It looked exactly like a cigarette, but that didn't assuage my paranoia enough so I ended up hiding the thing in my wizard's hat-because no one ever searches your mouse ear wizard's hat.

Anyway, I got through the security check without a hitch and went through most of the morning without smoking while I reconnoitered.  In the end, the place was at max capacity that day so all of the smoking areas were full of motherfuckers and I had almost given up by the time I found a place.  It was a spot along the dock right at the edge of Frontierland, where you could watch the steamboats go by.  It used to be a marked smoking area on my last trip, but no more-however, that didn't stop the wrinkled old Indochinese dude that was puffing away on a Camel down there with nobody saying a goddamn thing to him.  Most importantly, the heat kept everyone else in the shade a little ways away so it was basically me and this old dude, and I leaned up on the rail next to him and sparked up.

That ol' boy knew what was up; his nostrils flared and he looked over to give me this big freaking grin and had absolutely no front teeth, like pink gumline all the way from eye to eye.  I couldn't help it; I busted out chuckling and offered him a hit, but he declined.  And we both sat there on a dock below the tourists smoking in a non smoking area, him with his unfiltered camel and me with my joint sweltering on the bottom dock and nobody even looked at us.

There isn't a point to this, if you are looking for one-except that not even the might of Disney security is impenetrable.  I managed to be pretty stoned for the Philharmagic, which was kind of intense; 3D is much more believable when you are high as fuck.  And it was nice getting to put my arm around all those princesses-demurely above the waist, of course.  Also, it makes the subpar food a lot more tolerable.

Next time, I'm eating some mushrooms.

Ciao bitches.

Disney Snerk

Nothing I could give you today would be more hilarious than this is.

Enjoy, Scumfucketeers.

Femslash Friday - Tinkerbell x Vidia

I realized today that some time ago I promised all you sick fucks a discussion on the frenemy \ girl crush themes between Tinkerbell and Vidia in the CGI Disney Fairies line. I never really delivered on that before, but let it never be said that Chris By-The-Throat is kidding around when it comes to Disney Girl On Girl.

Go ahead, peruse Fairypedia for background info if you need to. I'll wait. Ya sick bastards. If you just stumbled across here using that search keyword and have no interest in the ramblings of a stoned libertarian gun blogger, head on over to ImageFap and type "Ultimate Tink" into the search bar; you'll find all the Tink porn your pervy little heart could ever desire. Think happy thoughts.

So yeah. Tinkerbell x Vidia. The stuff of slash fiction wet dreams, these two rivals are always engaging in intense staredowns and snarky back-and-forths. Functionally, Tinkerbell is the Harley Quinn and Vidia is the Poison Ivy. Tink is sparkling and trusting and innocent, and Vidia is crass and jaded and rather manipulative. It works (in my head-remember that you are all knee deep in my brain meat on this blog) and it works better if you watch the Great Fairy Rescue because you can see how stressed Vidia is when Tink gets kidnapped. The snarky bitch cares, and is actually a little possessive.

Sometimes the touches are smaller than that, though. Here, pervs, sometimes the content just generates itself. Just watch it; you knew you were going to when you came here and didn't back away immediately.



Would I care to contemplate the psychospiritual ramifications of me contemplating lesbian relationships between Disney Fairies? No. No, I would not care to do that at all.

A Whale of A Tale to Tell Ya Lads

Via my #2 Heathen I caught wind of this story.

A Marine Biologist charged with multiple felonies for-wait for it-video taping some orcas eating a baby grey whale. Oh, sure, apparently she stirred up the shredded blubber with some ropes to get a better video, so technically she did violate the Marine Mammal Protection Act-but are we really accomplishing the goal of protecting Marine Mammals if we start locking up Marine Biologists? Especially those that make Marine Biology economically viable by leading commercial boat tours?

And don't get me started on the conspiracy charges; it takes longer to get the rough cut than the money cut in any film industry, and all she is guilty of is handing over what she had which is the edited version of the film. A simple subpoena would have gotten the rest of the footage out of her, but that doesn't buttfuck her nearly as hard and we can't have that. We have to protect whales, don't you see how important that is? What are you, a whale hater? Fuckin' Marine Biologists and their anti whale conspiracies.

Our government sheepdogs are looking kind of rabid these days, aren't they? Anyway, Disney video in case you are wondering about the title.

How To Fuck A Space Duck

Welcome to the other portion of my blog. Sometimes I talk about heavy shit, and sometimes I go on about cartoons. You'll get used to it.

So seriously, what the hell?

In case you are wondering, the Mighty Ducks cartoon is loosely based on the Disney film about the titular hockey team-or maybe that film is based on the actual Mighty Ducks of Anaheim, a legitimate hockey team, and the cartoon builds off the same franchise. In either case, someone decided to jazz it up a little by making the hockey players actual ducks from another dimension who arrive in their space ship, take up hockey, strap on some puck blasting lasers and start fighting crime. No, seriously. Basically, the premise is like Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, only more like Youthful Alien Hockey Ducks. A plucky team of heroes blasting away at space lizards with various hockey themed weapons and vehicles apparently ran for 26 freaking episodes.

Don't you just want to go back in time and sit in on that pitch meeting? Like, not even step in to change the flow of history, stop the holocaust, warn America about the housing bubble, whatever...I just want to sit in on the meeting where some guy says "Man, we need to jazz up the franchise, merch revenues are low," and some coke addled jack off goes "Hey, Ninja Turtles is doing pretty well, why don't we have space ducks that fight crime?" And the worst part is, somehow they got everyone to agree to this idea and put it into production.

Just kind of takes your breath away, doesn't it?

(If you are wondering about the title of this entry, no, I have no idea how to fuck a space duck. Why would you even click that, you sick bastard?)

The Fey Wars - in case you thought this r srus blog

So Gracie is really into Tinkerbell, particularly the new CGI movies, and as I am often sitting there smoking a bowl and watching it with her, my mind tends to take a wandering piss now and again, and you're looking at the results.

No, not the rivalry / girl crush between Tink and Vydia, although that is a favorite theme of mine. My interest today is violence, not sex.

There is actually this whole cross media expanded Disney Fairy Universe, and as an afficianado of cross media continuities I naturally tend to envision the things that are not pictured overtly in the media. And one of the things I picked up on from my wander today through the Disney Fairies Wikia and from my nine billionth time watching the goddamn movies and reading the goddamn books and buying the goddamn commemorative crack pipe is that the fairies have a number of enemies.

And I mean, that's natural, right? Can't have a species with no predators, or they overrun the Neverland fighting bitter wars over pixie dust or some shit. So there is this kind of rogue's gallery of critters that pose a threat to Fairies, such as Sprinting Thistles(a sort of aggressive plant creature) Wasps, and Hawks. From the movies and books it seems like their attitude towards their enemies is strictly defensive, although the Animal fairies notably do not build hawk's nests and Garden Fairies don't water the Sprinting Thistle seeds.

This line of stoned questioning got me thinking today-where are the Fairie death squads? I mean, look, defensive posturing is well and all, but you don't win a war on ravenous Neverhawks by ducking under a mushroom and pissing yourself. You do it by smashing hawk eggs and dumping chicks out of the nest.

After that, the rest was easy. For hawks, a mixed squad of animal and scouting talent fairies during the nesting season could easily find the nests and clean house, ensuring no chicks for any hawks within flying range. Then for wasps, you add in a few fast flying talent fairies to serve as diversions and buffers against the wind, and you add a light fairie or two to burn the nest. (Oh, you didn't know? Light fairies can start fires by focusing a sunbeam hot enough.) Again, target the young in both cases-sooner or later the older generation will die off and the eggs and larvae are much softer targets.

The sprinting thistles were more difficult, as their breeding cycle is never properly defined...but hey, every field needs a good burning once in awhile? Seems like a good place to get the tinker talent fairies involved-first you have a few water fairies keep the rain off the fields where the thistles have been found, and you get your tinkers to dig fire breaks and rig up some obstacles before you burn those genocidal thorny bastards out. A ceiling of fast flying and scouting talent fairies with torches overhead catches any strays before they can spread, and then your water talent fairies drench the area and put out the seeds. Finally, you get your garden fairies to go through and make sure none of the bastard plants dropped any seeds.

Do you think these are thoughts that crazy people have?

Hannah Montana & The Fundamental Injustice of Humanity

So like any good natured American pedophile, Our Hero finds himself pausing the DVR when a piece of hot white jailbait ass comes on the screen. Or he would, if he had a DVR or the technological savvy to use one properly. But he doesn't, and he can't, and so when Our Hero is trying to do what any red blooded male would do during Hannah Montana and jerk off to Miley Cyrus, he finds it impossible. Why? Because at least every 90 seconds that goddamn prick Billy Ray Cyrus appears on the screen, and Our Hero understandably loses his hardon the second it happens, overcome by a virulent hatred that drives all other emotions from his weed and adderall fried brain.

The fundamental thrust of this article is this: that "Achy Breaky Heart" is the greatest atrocity in the history of mankind. I really don't have a problem with Miley Cyrus or Hannah Montana or the Disney Channel or anything like that; America needs it's legal child pornography, or what are all the pedos going to whack off to? No, no, what I have a problem with is that in a just universe, the man who made "Achy Breaky Heart" popular would have died in obscure poverty. Yet from just the kickbacks he gets from that show, he will love in comfort and ease for the rest of his life. I mean, we hanged Saddam Hussein for genocide, yet Billy Ray Cyrus commits Genrecide and he is forgiven because he has a hot daughter with nominal singing ability.

Let me break it down for you, the top ten atrocities of the last century.

10: The Cock Taco
09: Hot Coffee
08: The Rwandan Genocide
07: The Rape of Ethiopia (And the pud pulling of the League of Nations by extension)
06: The cancellation of Firefly in the first season
05: "Wow, Jess, she waved back!" *heartsick voice* "REALLY!?!?!?" "No."
04: The War on Drugs and accessories
03: The Holocaust
02: Stalin's more awful, less selective Holocaust
01: "Achy Breaky Heart"

That's a list, motherfucker, you know you can't disagree with it. And yet Billy Ray goes on and on, not executed, not fined, not even scolded harshly by the United Nations (In this, I suppose, he is much like Italy with the League of Nations in number 7). No, the fucker just goes on and on with his faux white trash accent and his stupid fucking flavor savor that gives me hate sores all over my body and kills my hardon when I am trying to masturbate to his daughter.

If that isn't proof of an unjust world, I don't know what is.

A Declaration of Sorts

So it seems like every other hip gun blogger has their own special names for the little D and R letter before their public official's names. To put it bluntly, the person responsible for this blog, cannot allow the existence of a "sarcasm gap" in the savage, snark-eat-snark environment of the blog world. I've decided on one. "Heffalumps and woozles."

If you're having trouble wrapping your brain around it, here's my special version of the lyrics.

A heffalump or woozle is very confuzzle;
a heffalump or woozle's very sly (sly sly sly)
They come in ones and twozzles, but if they so choozles
before your eyes you see them multiply (ply ply ply)

They're extra ordinary, so better bewarey
because they come in every shape and size (size size size)
If money's what you covet, you'll find that they love it
because they guzzle up the things you prize.

Their black, their brown,
their up, their down
Their in, their out
their all about.
Their far, their near
their gone, their here
their quick and slick and insincere.
So yeah. There's more. VIDEO But it all fits-more freakily than I care to admit, except for all that pointing out I just did. So there you have it ladies and gentleman; let it never be said that Chris By-The-Throat wants for snark, in his strange and terrible corner of the internet. I declare it so, and screw anyone else that might have thought of it first. You all stole it from me. Y'know, from the future.

Random Thoughts from Disneyworld

You can really tell the native Floridians from the tourists. When the mercury hits 39 the natives are panicking like its Fimbulwinter, while the non natives are thinking "Hm, glad I packed a light jacket."

Jeeeeeezus, even the grass is scrubbed clean. I'm afraid I might get fined for farting.

No matter what they say, the "cast members" are employees. Very, very bright eyed and bushy tailed, pathologically helpful employees, but employees nonetheless. No one there is sweeping up streets or scrubbing toilets for love of the craft, thats for damn sure.

It must take a fantastic amount of work to keep this place going. I wonder what the price for cocaine is around here.

The smoker's gulags are all shoved off into the corners of the park. But at least they gave us benches; christ knows its the only time you get to sit down. Still, I wish all these motherfuckers would stop bringing their kids over here while they smoke. Its fucking Disneyland, you'd think they'd be able to amuse themselves somewhere. Then again, my presence here obviously means they didn't screen for perverts at the gate.

This street parade is fairly impressive; it's like a squeaky clean version of Rocky Horror. If one of those guys on stilts comes over here and tries to get me to dance, though, I'm going to kick one of the stilts and watch him topple over. Oh, shit, that one's a chick; now I feel bad. Well, not really. But it will look worse in court.

I bet they keep Walt Disney's frozen corpse here somewhere. That'll be just great, frozen animator zombie rising from under the castle to menace the living, and me sitting here completely unarmed. Fuckin' great.

Overall, I am very unimpressed with the burger of the future. Also, the lounge music is fucking stupid.

You know, I understand they need to make money with this park and everything, but I can't exit a single ride without passing through a gift shop.