A Bit About My Avatar

First, a couple of reference items.

Unicorn hunting on Urban Dictionary

The Hunt of the Unicorn on Wikipedia

So yeah. Unicorn hunting. Fundamentally, this is my excuse to drop a bit of culture on your face and a bit of an inside joke with regard to my sexual proclivities.

You'd be surprised at how common this sexual quirk is; do a quick search on your local craigslist and you will find that there are a lot of wannabe unicorn hunters out there, so much so that any f4f ad generally includes the terms "no couples." But it exists in the dark, in the gutter, in the cracks between modern social institutions. There are no Unicorn Hunter activists, no Unicorn Hunting for dummies, no Unicorn Hunter only dating sites. Certainly no college scholarships or pride walks. A lot of people don't approve of it-even within the poly community. Fuck 'em.

Hunting the unicorn in the wild is the most exquisite of pleasures Amanda and I share. It lets us ride the rush of newly minted lust without shattering our home life. It lets us experience the thrill of the hunt while keeping the stability of a relationship. It is the dangerous thrill of the shared secret combined with a mutual appreciation of the female form. It is a taste of decadence with the safety of home. You want to know why it is as popular as it is, so popular that a bunch of tweed clad poly intellectuals have to invent a snarky term for it? Because it's fun, goddamn it. Nothing more. It's fun, and apparently a lot of other people think so too, and having a blog and an industrial sized tube of three dollar words doesn't make you the grand holy arbiter of whose sexuality is valid.

I'm taking the term back, motherfuckers.

Deal.

Martin, Zimmerman & Me

I've reserved judgement on this issue so far because I was waiting for more facts to come forward. All the other gunbloggers are buzzing about it, as are a lot of ordinary ol' sheeple.

This is going to be an uncharacteristically short post.

Today I've been reading articles, watching videos, verifying sources, all that shit the media isn't doing on this case. I have heard overt distortions, omissions and manipulations of factual evidence by media talking heads. I have borne witness to the carefully crafted reactions of politicians, celebrities and, perhaps most strikingly, anonymous commenters on news sites. I have seen soulless, hypocritical scum make overt threats of extra judicial violence.

I have only this to say: Enjoy your race war, America. You've fucking earned it.

This is what you get when I'm not inspired

This is the song that is stuck in my head today. Also, this is exactly how it feels to work at Big Box and be a freak.

How To Win My Sword

There is a post over at Kerodin's place about the moral components of this whole 10th amendment ruckus.

The fundamental crux of the question seems to be "What are we fighting for? Decency and Chastity, or Freedom?" I want to drop my .02$ in the night deposit box on this issue.

A sex negative revolution will fail. All kinds of sex, even deviant sex, is simply too mainstream-and this is a cultural change, not a government change. You can blame the media, you can blame the jews, you can blame the jewish media or the Fungi from yuggoth-it doesn't matter, the culture has and is changing in favor of fewer hang ups about the meat between your thighs. Unless you want to institute government (i.e. swordpoint) control of these things, you are not going to get them via a shooting war. A government that can engage in that kind of social engineering fuckery has officially gained too much power over the daily lives of the citizens. We fight a war and set up a government like that, we have lost again-and indeed it is one of my ugliest fears.

Let me tell you, gun blogosphere-I'm not going to live in a country where I can't jerk off. Consider the next part of this post a warning.

I'll start the underground rainbow railroad for queers. I'll organize safe houses for atheists. I'll volunteer my tribe as armed guards for Slutwalks. I'll out political figures in the new government who force their sexual mores on their neighbors while secretly frequenting glory holes-and that's my natural environment motherfucker, you know I'll catch a few. I'll send my girl to seduce the wives of militia commanders. And if pushed, even by a new "constitutional" government, I'll make the culture war a shooting war. I'm that fucking serious. Maybe i'm in the minority, but when the shit finally settles, I am a free man who must do what he thinks is right. Also fuck you. I want my porn.

Our focus needs to be on those who have perpetuated a greater sin than lust. I am focused on the sins of those who swore an oath BEFORE GOD, ON A HOLY BIBLE, to defend a document that they subseuqently shat on with great malice and foresight. This, and only this, is the fundamental sin that we must concern ourselves with-and indeed, blasphemy before the Lord, giving your word to Him when you don't mean it, is a far more unforgiveable sin than buggering goats. All other issues are wedge issues, jerk off issues, compared to this. Getting all hot and bothered under the collar over a belly shirt or a gangbang is burning the forest for the trees.

Lucrative Business Venture (Also lolz)

I like to call "May issue" states "Fuck you" states. Because while they "may issue" you a CCW, unless you are politically connected or famous, the answer you are going to get is generally "Fuck you." Apparently you have to have credible evidence of a threat to your life before you are permitted to pack your pistol; the burden of proof is on you and you won't get a goddamn thing unless they decide it is adequate.

That's where I come in, America.

Here's the deal: Those of you living in "Fuck you" states send me a small retainer-say, three hundred dollars, and some identifying personal information and a SASE. I reply with a carefully crafted threatening letter postmarked anonymously and send to your home address. Maybe include a few creepy polaroids to make it really stalker-ish, or if you are super hardcore, the mouldering ear of your murdered dog. Be creative and deranged with your materials; I know I will be. Then, when you have 100% credible evidence that some slobbering pervert is out to kill you, and maybe, just maybe, you can transmute "Fuck you" into "Well, OK."

I think I could make a pretty good living this way and have a lot of fun to boot.

Book Review: Meat Puppet Cabaret

So Our Hero popped in the used bookstore not long ago and there picked up a copy of a book that caught my eye right off the shelf-Meat Puppet Cabaret by some ol' boy named Steve Beard. The cheeky title was enough to have me forking over my money, but what really sold me was the premise, which is on the ragged edge of derp and genius. From the back cover of the book:

"...what if Jack the Ripper were a demon summoned by the black magician John Dee to steal Princess Diana's baby Allegra from the scene of the car crash in Paris? What if Allegra were hidden in a children's home in East London, but then 14 years later escaped?"

Anyway, with crazy drugs and deviant sex and sympathetic magic all rolled into one, there was no way I wasn't going to love this book. The five main characters were all appealing and sympathetic during their POV chapters and ghastly and terrifying when viewed through the perspective of the other characters, a dichotomy I found pleasing and appropriate. It skewers the mass media paradigm on nearly every page, most notably with psychospiritual terrorism and murder (along with potent witchcraft) reduced to a sort of Call of Duty videogame pastiche during Jack's chapters. There is also a marvellous scene that combines a detailed and plot critical cyber pagan metaphysics lecture with a lesbian bondage scenario. Seriously, if they were going to pander a book specifically to me, that would have damn near cinched it. If you like smoking dark horror through a dingy pop culture crack pipe, it is most certainly the book for you too.

Anyway, I am not without my nits to pick. The non traditional story format can be hard to follow; some of the chapter transitions are jarring and you have to get about halfway through sometimes before you realize who the POV is supposed to be. There are plenty of occasions where the characters are not named or where an encounter is deliberately left obfuscated and the reader can be left holding their dick going "Whuh?" Also, I found that the main character was the one I cared least about; through the course of the book I alternated between being annoyed with her and wishing she would take her fuckin' shirt off already. Also, the book is advertised as a continuation of Lovecraft, but I didn't see it, except perhaps at the very end where the good Dr. fucks up his ritual and gets sucked into the...whatever. The gods, when they appeared, were just kind of depressingly banal rather than eldritch unknowable horrors-and it kind of stuck in my craw. Could have been a formatting thing I guess-the conversations between god entities was rendered in this rather bare bones IRC chat log format and it just didn't work for me.

Overall though, I'd give it 4 out of 5 ninja stars. I'm kind of intrigued by this publishing company, Raw Dog Screaming Press. Now that is a brand I could get behind! I'll have to check out some of their other shit-there are some people on there that used to write for Cthulhu Sex, and it pleases me to see some of them doing commercial work. Maybe I'll check out Spider Pie sometime.

Nephandi In Fiction

I'm calling this one the Council of Void. These are just some good examples of a Nephandi in popular media, with a particular emphasis on those who my own Nephandi would have a good working relationship with.

Qualifications: Supernatural powers, especially with regard to temptation and mind control. Amoral nature. Little or no attempt to justify their actions. 4th Wall breaking, knowledge of self as storybook character a plus.

Lo Pan (Big Trouble in Little China) - "...and rule the universe from beyond the grave." "Indeed!" "Or check into a psycho ward, whichever comes first."

Sheriff Lucas Buck (American Gothic) - Perhaps the most classic example, a small town sheriff that manipulates everyone to their "true potential" which is generally complete fuckery.

Randall Flagg, Leland Gaunt, Andre Linoge (Stephen King Universe) - Seriously, that place is lousy with Nephandi.

Dr Facilier (The Princess & the Frog) - A master class in temptation and illusion, plus a certain jazz flair.

The Warlock (Warlock Series) - Another template example.

Mr. Lordi (Musician Persona) - A bit of a stretch, but watch any of the videos and you will see that Mr. Lordi easily qualifies.

Black Mage (8 Bit Theatre) - Most likely the group's comic relief, but his 4th wall awareness is the strongest example on this list. Tearing down creation is a noteworthy goal when the universe actually exists only to hurt you.

Kefka (FF6J) - Another classic video game example. His speech at the end really cinches it.

Quan Chi (Mortal Kombat Universe) - A sarcastic dark sorcerer from Hell-what could be more obvious? I picked him over Shang Tsung as we already have Lo Pan.

With my Nephandi as the World of Darkness delegate, it behooves me to say that this is a piss poor working group that will likely tear itself apart with infighting before actually doing any harm. And thank God for that.

Bushcraft Boogie

A marked change in the bug in / bug out philosophy is taking place at the Scumfuck household and ancillary households.

As spring, uh, sproings into our laps all dripping with bugout potential, we are planning a bushcraft focused event with minimal gear and a scoring system that enables us to calculate who passes and who fails. This is different from previous bugouts in two signifigant ways.

1) No martial aspects. We are doing our Mall Ninja shit at a different event.

2) Competition. Other bugouts have all been cooperative efforts-fun, but i don't think we learn as much that way.

We are also beginning to look at drills for bugging in. Bugging in isn't nearly as sexy, but it is the default plan most of the time because during most SHTF events we all still have to go in to work. It does me no good to be an skilled, sexy refugee with a really nice bugout bag if we have to live in a FEMA trailer with nine other families afterwards because I'm too broke to pay the rent. We have some simple procedures for lockdown but I'm going to have another look at our neighborhood soon and see what kind of low profile drills we can do. At the very least, we can figure out where to place our OPs.

I'm also going to start emphasizing cardio in my workouts. No matter how you slice it, heart disease is a greater risk than zombies and I need to start prepping accordingly.

And Amanda and I are scheduled for a SRUS rifle class in May. I'm looking forward to it; it'll be my most ninja-y class ever and I can finally start talking shit about 90% of the internet gun blogosphere for having no serious gun training. Squee. I can't wait.

Pirates of the Emerald Sea

Sorry about the lack of content, Scumfucketeers. Gracie has been on spring break so we've been spending pretty much every waking hour together. We had a lot of fun, but I'll be glad to drop her off at school on Monday.

Anyway, today we built a pirate ship. The new bed Amanda and I ordered online came in like five big cardboard boxes so we took them out to the backyard and set them up with duct tape to vaguely resemble a ship. Then I dug a small hole under the bow and jammed a few metal poles that came off the frame of the old bed into the dirt so we could fly our pirate banner.

The day was idyllic; mostly blue skies with straight off a greeting card white clouds. Once we successfully got the mast to stay in place, the "SURRENDER THE BOOTY" novelty pirate banner that had been hanging in the living room was quite picturesque. We played out there for several hours, singing jolly sea chanties and watching the trains run by and eventually just laying on our backs in the grass to watch the clouds roll by.

Other adventures this week included: Meeting a friend's new baby, trying out roller skates, spending the day with her pack, playing legos with the neighbors in the back of my truck, bugging out along the railroad tracks and chasing a mouse across the parking lot.

Parenting has it's own fairy tales, and contrary to popular belief is often a screaming, hair pulling, eyeball gouging uphill battle against the forces of chaos. But Gracie and I had a pretty good happy ever after week.

Ass to Mouth Republic: A Poem

Ass to Mouth Republic
A Poem for Interesting Times
Chris By-The-Throat 2012

A burial shroud of fog blankets my city
my red wood forests
my gulf stream waters.

Propaganda corpse dick blocks my tonsils,
gagging, choking, no daddy I'm not hungry,
silences my screaming so I can't say what it tastes like.

My hands are both broken but I clutch at the wheel.
Bitch ex wife cut my brake line,
now I'm dancing Tueller with a brick wall and I can't even clear leather.

They stomp on my enemies and I laugh while we plummet
two fat slug-bodies wrapped up in stars and stripes
careening towards the same pavement and comparing cockmeat.

Better men than me baked this apple pie
worse men than me have fucked it and shot their load
but I have to eat it anyway-free range, low carb, fair traded ass to mouth.

Left hand jerk me off, right hand fist my asshole-
now switch
everything's different, god bless democracy, goddamn this dick tastes like shi-

Last Call, Last Stand Update Feed

This is the updated feed for the Last Call, Last Stand updates. I have been posting the updates on ZS and have decided to link directly to the posts there instead of converting them all to blogger format. The sidebar link will now be directly to this post.

If you haven't checked out ZS, you should-it is a pretty good survival forum with no political or religious debates. Manages to keep the whole thing on topic a lot more.

Chapter 1: Worms Eye View
Part 1
Part 2
Part 3
Chapter 2: The Other Shoe
Part 4
Part 5
Chapter 3: All Friends & Kingdom Come
Part 6
Part 7
Part 8
Part 9
Chapter 4: 187 All Over Again
Part 10
Part 11
Part 12
Chapter 5: Hand on the Pump
Part 13
Part 14
Chapter 6: Rainbow in the Dark
Part 15
Part 16
Chapter 7: Save the Princess, Fuck the World
Part 17
Part 18
Part 19
Part 20
Chapter 8: Last Call
Part 21
Part 22
Part 23
Part 24
Chapter 9: Glazed & Confused
Part 25
Part 26
Part 27
Part 28
Part 29
Part 30
Chapter 10: Last Stand
Part 31

Part 32

Part 33

Part 34

Part 35

Epilogue

End Credits

Survival Lesson from Watership Down

"All the world will be your enemy, Prince With A Thousand Enemies, and when they catch you, they will kill you. But first, they must catch you; digger, listener, runner, Prince with the swift warning. Be cunning and full of tricks, and your people will never be destroyed."

Digger. Deep warrens, deep bunkers, buried caches, hidden tunnels. A survivalist with some property can become about half mole pretty quickly.

Listener. Talk radio, news blogs, backyard telegraph, shortwave receivers. A survivalist always has his ear to the wind for the warning that could save his life.

Runner. BOV's, BOL's, maps, contingency routes, fuel cans, route marches. A survivalist is always prepared to travel long distances at a moment's notice. If you've read Watership Down, remember that about half of that book is a desperate bugout across hostile territory. (The rest is covert warfare with combined arms against a tyrannical dictator, FYI.)

Swift Warning. Phone trees, ham radios, field telephones, code phrases, signal flares. A survivalist has multiple redundant levels of communication to spread actionable intelligence throughout the tribe.

Working on Codex Kalachnikova, America's Number One pulp novel about Conan with an AK, has refined this concept in my head, to the point where these phrases are actually religious commandments. The more I read Watership Down, the more I'm convinced that it contains lessons that we are no longer heeding. But I like to apply them to my own life, as well as my attempts at fiction, so what exactly does that make me? A bona fide subversive? Some degenerate pagan furry? Or the most pitifully brilliant genius of our flaccid, spoon fed generation?

I think I'm gonna go with the latter. I never did get the fur thing.

Suddenly, Our Hero realized...

..that there is no music on his front page.

No. This shall not be, niggas.



If you've never checked out Hopsin, you should do so-it is amazing what a rapper with an actual vocabulary can do.

The Perils of Pathfinder: Meet the PC's

Character concepts are nebulous at this point and character generation is going slow. Every time I pick up the book to work on someone's character with them I get blindsided with something that changed but I didn't account for; damned if the market is not screaming for a full feature Character Generator.

Anyway, my PC's are starting out at 4th level for most and 5th level for those who earn it via a stellar character background so they are competing to come up with backgrounds worthy of a little sumpin' sumpin' in the XP front. I thought I'd run these character backgrounds by you folks for posterity so when I talk about the campaign later it will be comprehensible instead of the usual Scumfuck adderall fueled babble. I'll edit this post and add them as I recieve them and maybe post a poll to see who T3h Internetz thinks should take the prize.

Dungeon Master's Note: The setting is generic fantasy, low magic. None of the characters have names yet but a few have gimmicks. I will refer to the player name during this post until I get character names.

1. Amanda's Character, a CG Centaur Bard. Kicked out of her tribe for her lesbian tryst with an elf trader (who was subsequently trampled to death by the tribe) she makes a living singing for her supper and doing some treasure hunting on the side.
2. Jared's Character, a CN Human Barbarian. A survivor of the massacre of his coastal village, wielding a family heirloom shield as both weapon and defense. From distant lands and therefore rather awkward but not stupid. Currently tenously paired up with Eric's rogue in a sort of Fritz Leiber kind of duo.
3. Dustin's Character, a NG Human Wizard. For some reason he rolled a really good strength score, so what we have here is your basic bodybuilding wizard with a greatmace. I haven't gotten a background from Dustin yet but just from what I know already, it's gonna be a whopper.
4. Eric's Character, a TN Half Elven Rogue. Eric always plays the sneaky character but he is kind of branching out into the swashbuckler role with this rogue, with minimal stealth abilities and lots of acrobatic type shit. No background submitted yet.
5. Lindsey's Character, a CG Half Elven Sorceress. No background or details submitted yet.
6. Alex's Character, a Human Ranger I think. No background or details submitted yet.
7. Paula's Character, a N Gnome Druid. No background submitted yet but it has come up in conversation that her animal companion is a Monty Python Rabbit.
8. Austin's Character, a CN Human Fighter. No background or details available yet.

If this seems like a large, redundant group, well, that's because it is. Attendance usually runs at about 60% for each session so we are going to have characters swapping in and out a lot. It's cool; we are all adults who have lives and jobs and drug habits and shit, so I don't make a big deal out of it and this is almost the ideal campaign for it as it is a simple dungeon crawl with minimal storyline continuity. I'm looking forward to seeing what everyone comes up with; again, a lot of them are getting their first exposure to D&D without much indoctrination into the culture, so it will be cool to see their fresh perspective on the genre.

Celebrate Diversity

Caught this piece over at American Mercenary and it got me thinking, particularly this portion.

"Other cultures that "celebrate freedom" are really nothing more than groups that celebrate homogeneity, from motorcycle clubs to drum circles, it is the same BS from everyone in the group. Not so with gunnies. We have gays, goths, The Queen of Snark, an Engineer who hosts Boomershoot for fun, Active/Reserve/Retired Military, Moms, college kids, Ph.D's, Mensa members, machinists, artists, political activists, preppers, threepers, pacifists (yup, Ghandi was one of us), we are truly "diverse" and connected only by our mutual desire for the freedom to be left alone to do what we want to do."

"Messianic Stoners" was missing from the list, but I'll take it in the spirit it was intended.

It is a sociological truism that closed groups tend towards homogeneity over a long enough timeline-look at how punk rock splintered into a thousand tiny identity factions from sXe vegan hardcore to east coast splattercore. Self identification as part of a larger whole can be empowering but it is also the most subtle of traps because you are surrounded by people that are just like you right down to choice of music and dress.

So am I a gunnie? There are plenty of gunnies that would say no. I'm short on guns-I only have one pistol, one rifle and one shotgun, with a smattering of tactical nylon. I flout the law on a daily basis-not just 3 felonies a day bullshit, but laws that people actually get killed for. I have a low opinion of "traditional" (i.e. government sanctioned) marriage and have a lot of deviant sex with multiple partners that would make conservative pundits tuck their testicles back up in their bodies and swear off the Vile Internetz. A lot of these things are not popular on the gunblogging circuit. Yet I have never gotten anything but respect from my fellow gunbloggers.

An armed society is a polite society, perhaps? But that isn't the case really; gun owners get all butthurt about the minutae of their hobby in every gun forum, as any argument over the best charging handle on an AR will demonstrate. We aren't really obliged to "back up his words with his life" on the internetz; no matter how much the market is dying for an iphone app to castrate people through the internet, you remain safe no matter what nonsense or venom you spew online. No one ignores my unpleasant characteristics because they are afraid I'm going to fill them full of 7.62x39s. They do so because these are people who genuinely want to be left the fuck alone and are willing to extend me the same courtesy.

Now for the big question-how far have we fallen as a civillization that this behavior is a novel concept?

Warren Psychology

Hey, ya'll come here to hear about my personal life right? You can't get enough of that shit, you sick little bastards.

Today's lesson is Warren Psychology.

We are in the process of clearing out our storage unit after 8 months of living minimalist in a crappy apartment. The crappy apartment is still the same but now we have more furniture. We are waiting on one roomate to move out tomorrow so we can pile shit up in his room, but for now we just have boxes and shit to the ceiling in the living room with a couple of narrow paths to the TV and weed tray.

This is not an unusual situation for me; back in the day a couple of my homies lived the same way by hoarding hobo chic style mounds of salvageable trash. I learned a little bit about the way humans think when they no longer have the space to turn around. Short answer: it makes them crazier than shithouse rats.

You don't have a place to sit down. You can't find any of your shit. The air has a constant musty smell and every movement kicks up a god awful Grapes of Wrath dust storm around you. You wake up buried in the occasional dirty clothes landslide. All of your towels develop boot prints. Your computer intake fan becomes encrusted with the skin cells of your homies. Just finding a quiet place to jerk off is a quest of Arthurian proportions.

Through all this, we didn't go crazy and our friendships didn't break, so I have high hopes for this occasion. Having Amanda makes a big difference; that girl is a wellspring of practicality and sense in an organization that is, never forget, primarily devoted to building my post TEOTWAWKI empire of madmen and degenerates. She is organized, detail oriented and devoted, so we are making much more progress than I was expecting.

And it feels nice to have most of my books back.

Femslash Friday - Ozma x Dorothy

Today for Femslash Friday, we are going to be dropping science on L. Frank Baum's Oz series. Specifically, sexy femslash science.

You have to dig deep for the canon references, or at least dig up Princess Ozma's Wikipedia Page in order to find this relationship. And I recognize that it is a lot to infer from a throwaway line in one of the later Oz books.

I was delighted to find a long list of Oz Apocrypha during my wikiwander today as well. Apparently some god awful pervert named March Laumer brought it up more explicitly in one of his books; none of the materials I could find detailed which one. Otherwise I'd be on Amazon right now instead of talking to you scum.

Anyway, I can see this one easily. A lonely empress with no peer group in a childless society and an starry eyed young adventurer girl from a Midwest state? Notably, Ozma had already spent her time as a boy during the wizard's puppet regime; her sexual instincts have already been muddled with. I mean, Baum never comes out and addresses the issue; The Magical Land of Oz didn't have Tipperarius wolf whistling at the barmaids or anything like that. But magical gender bending is gonna leave it's mark on the girl by default and it is noteworthy that she never attempts to bring an Emperor in the picture.

And then you have Dorothy. Lost in a strange land, with dreams of a place in Technicolor. I'm not saying she is sexploitation bait but I bet she has the same look in her eye that a lot of hollow eyed girls picked up by pimps at bus stops do. Vulnerable by default, she forges her close bond with Ozma during Ozma of Oz, one of the few Oz books that does not take place in Oz, but rather in the neighboring kingdom of Ev. That was where we established the precedent of Ozma

watching Dorothy back in Kansas using a magic mirror.

Wait, wait, wait, wait....wait. Ozma watching Dorothy through a magic mirror? Sounds a little like voyeurism, doesn't it? Anyway, from the original illustrations, it looks like the hot Blonde Dorothy from Ozma of Oz had a few years to grow up from the chunky lil' thing in The Wonderful Wizard of Oz, and more to the good, Christ knows I don't need another article I have to tag 'Pedobear'-so I can see how there is definitely something to spy on for Ozma, sitting alone on her gem throne wishing for a similarly aged companion. Sitting alone and burning.

Sometimes it all just comes together for me, y'know? Anyway, pervs, here's some image content for you.

Attention America: #EFAD

You are weapons free (c wot i did thar? FREEEEE) on Operation #EFAD.

Even if we don't see eye to eye politically, we all have the same opinion of free books.

Download Link

Every motherfucker needs to read this book.

Edited to Add: Kindle Reader Apps if you don't have a kindle.