Lucrative Business Venture (Also lolz)

I like to call "May issue" states "Fuck you" states. Because while they "may issue" you a CCW, unless you are politically connected or famous, the answer you are going to get is generally "Fuck you." Apparently you have to have credible evidence of a threat to your life before you are permitted to pack your pistol; the burden of proof is on you and you won't get a goddamn thing unless they decide it is adequate.

That's where I come in, America.

Here's the deal: Those of you living in "Fuck you" states send me a small retainer-say, three hundred dollars, and some identifying personal information and a SASE. I reply with a carefully crafted threatening letter postmarked anonymously and send to your home address. Maybe include a few creepy polaroids to make it really stalker-ish, or if you are super hardcore, the mouldering ear of your murdered dog. Be creative and deranged with your materials; I know I will be. Then, when you have 100% credible evidence that some slobbering pervert is out to kill you, and maybe, just maybe, you can transmute "Fuck you" into "Well, OK."

I think I could make a pretty good living this way and have a lot of fun to boot.