Thursday, January 13, 2011

Hannah Montana & The Fundamental Injustice of Humanity

So like any good natured American pedophile, Our Hero finds himself pausing the DVR when a piece of hot white jailbait ass comes on the screen. Or he would, if he had a DVR or the technological savvy to use one properly. But he doesn't, and he can't, and so when Our Hero is trying to do what any red blooded male would do during Hannah Montana and jerk off to Miley Cyrus, he finds it impossible. Why? Because at least every 90 seconds that goddamn prick Billy Ray Cyrus appears on the screen, and Our Hero understandably loses his hardon the second it happens, overcome by a virulent hatred that drives all other emotions from his weed and adderall fried brain.

The fundamental thrust of this article is this: that "Achy Breaky Heart" is the greatest atrocity in the history of mankind. I really don't have a problem with Miley Cyrus or Hannah Montana or the Disney Channel or anything like that; America needs it's legal child pornography, or what are all the pedos going to whack off to? No, no, what I have a problem with is that in a just universe, the man who made "Achy Breaky Heart" popular would have died in obscure poverty. Yet from just the kickbacks he gets from that show, he will love in comfort and ease for the rest of his life. I mean, we hanged Saddam Hussein for genocide, yet Billy Ray Cyrus commits Genrecide and he is forgiven because he has a hot daughter with nominal singing ability.

Let me break it down for you, the top ten atrocities of the last century.

10: The Cock Taco
09: Hot Coffee
08: The Rwandan Genocide
07: The Rape of Ethiopia (And the pud pulling of the League of Nations by extension)
06: The cancellation of Firefly in the first season
05: "Wow, Jess, she waved back!" *heartsick voice* "REALLY!?!?!?" "No."
04: The War on Drugs and accessories
03: The Holocaust
02: Stalin's more awful, less selective Holocaust
01: "Achy Breaky Heart"

That's a list, motherfucker, you know you can't disagree with it. And yet Billy Ray goes on and on, not executed, not fined, not even scolded harshly by the United Nations (In this, I suppose, he is much like Italy with the League of Nations in number 7). No, the fucker just goes on and on with his faux white trash accent and his stupid fucking flavor savor that gives me hate sores all over my body and kills my hardon when I am trying to masturbate to his daughter.

If that isn't proof of an unjust world, I don't know what is.

No comments:

Post a Comment