Monday, September 12, 2011

The Fey Wars - in case you thought this r srus blog

So Gracie is really into Tinkerbell, particularly the new CGI movies, and as I am often sitting there smoking a bowl and watching it with her, my mind tends to take a wandering piss now and again, and you're looking at the results.

No, not the rivalry / girl crush between Tink and Vydia, although that is a favorite theme of mine. My interest today is violence, not sex.

There is actually this whole cross media expanded Disney Fairy Universe, and as an afficianado of cross media continuities I naturally tend to envision the things that are not pictured overtly in the media. And one of the things I picked up on from my wander today through the Disney Fairies Wikia and from my nine billionth time watching the goddamn movies and reading the goddamn books and buying the goddamn commemorative crack pipe is that the fairies have a number of enemies.

And I mean, that's natural, right? Can't have a species with no predators, or they overrun the Neverland fighting bitter wars over pixie dust or some shit. So there is this kind of rogue's gallery of critters that pose a threat to Fairies, such as Sprinting Thistles(a sort of aggressive plant creature) Wasps, and Hawks. From the movies and books it seems like their attitude towards their enemies is strictly defensive, although the Animal fairies notably do not build hawk's nests and Garden Fairies don't water the Sprinting Thistle seeds.

This line of stoned questioning got me thinking today-where are the Fairie death squads? I mean, look, defensive posturing is well and all, but you don't win a war on ravenous Neverhawks by ducking under a mushroom and pissing yourself. You do it by smashing hawk eggs and dumping chicks out of the nest.

After that, the rest was easy. For hawks, a mixed squad of animal and scouting talent fairies during the nesting season could easily find the nests and clean house, ensuring no chicks for any hawks within flying range. Then for wasps, you add in a few fast flying talent fairies to serve as diversions and buffers against the wind, and you add a light fairie or two to burn the nest. (Oh, you didn't know? Light fairies can start fires by focusing a sunbeam hot enough.) Again, target the young in both cases-sooner or later the older generation will die off and the eggs and larvae are much softer targets.

The sprinting thistles were more difficult, as their breeding cycle is never properly defined...but hey, every field needs a good burning once in awhile? Seems like a good place to get the tinker talent fairies involved-first you have a few water fairies keep the rain off the fields where the thistles have been found, and you get your tinkers to dig fire breaks and rig up some obstacles before you burn those genocidal thorny bastards out. A ceiling of fast flying and scouting talent fairies with torches overhead catches any strays before they can spread, and then your water talent fairies drench the area and put out the seeds. Finally, you get your garden fairies to go through and make sure none of the bastard plants dropped any seeds.

Do you think these are thoughts that crazy people have?

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