Thursday, December 30, 2010

Sha-Shaow Bujenkembo - International Politics through Nut Tickling

So the gang and I have a game that, honestly, would be gayer if it was full on butt fucking, but that we play anyway because at our core we are still a bunch of fucked up twelve year olds. It is called Sha Shaow (Like KUTULU it has multiple spellings, none of which are exactly right) and it involves very rapidly and very lightly touching one of four legitimate targets (all erogenous) on the opponent's body, while yelling "Sha shaow" to count coup against your opponent.

There are multiple variations on the sha shaow, from the triple shaow (sha-sha-shaow) to the brown shaow to the falling dominoes (gangbang) style shaow. Believe me, it is just as retarded as you think it is, and you haven't even seen the underwater variations.

There aren't a lot of rules, but one of the main ones is you cannot sha shaow someone who has a drink, a bong, broken up weed, a cigarette or food in their hand. This was decided after a mighty war in 2005, and when the dust, blood, nacho cheese and bongwater had settled our apartment resembled a war zone and we had lost two stalwart members who were very dear to us (Captain Crunch and Old Granddad) in tragic leaping-over-the-balcony related accidents.

Another of our rules, and this is less a rule than a convention, is that after things invariably get out of hand, a brushfire war devolving into world war three, a truce can be called and mutually agreed on. Believe me, it gets gay if you don't. And if you do. But you knew that, it is a nut tickling game.

In any case, that rule is followed pretty faithfully, except for when they are violated. And it is the violations of this rule that I want to discuss here. At one point after yet another great sha shaow war, a truce was called and agreed upon at the United Choad Nations, and a ceasfire went up around the campfire while everyone continued engaging in pointless drug and alcohol abuse. When all of a sudden, the Bastard Alaskan leaps to his feet-barely a participant in the original war, and with a sobriety that alarmed and disturbed everyone, and gets another individual with a joint in his hand with a sha shaow that shook the heavens.

Upon settling back on his stump, and facing the glares of his fellow delegates and the possibility of a gang bang shaow, the Bastard Alaskan shrugged and said "Someone has to be China."

And of course someone does.

There are other subtleties to the game-for instance, attacking someone while you yourself are holding a prohibited material (thus making yourself immune to retaliation) is called being Lebanon, and attacking someone with excessive force and punching them in the dick instead of shashaowing them is called being Russia, and sitting in the corner cowering with your hands over your genitals is called being France.

There isn't a greater point to this, except that maybe in the end, the Game of Thrones or the League of Nations can all be rendered like pork fat down into nut tickling and cock punching.

Friday, December 24, 2010

A Few Points

So Pat Robertson says to stop locking up potheads, and Joe Biden says STFU NOOB UR GAY AND ITS A GATEWAY DRUG or something like that, and somehow this is all news. Anyway, I just want to drop a couple of salient points in this debate.

#1 Joe Biden is either an idiot, or is secretly a man shaped tape recorder filled with soundbites from 80's animated PSAs. When Sarah "John & Kate plus State" Palin is ahead of you in the curve on a social issue most Americans agree on, you have fallen far, far, far from the tree of wisdom.

#2 When Chris By-The-Throat, self proclaimed God-Emperor of New Sodom, and Pat Robertson, some old witch burner from like the 1700's, agree on something, that is a pretty good indication that support for the issue is across the board.

#3 The Government is still perpetuating murder to prevent lung cancer, in some post-Lovecraftian\Ouroborus mind bending twist of logic.

#4 Now that the Democrats are in office, they are the authority, and act as such-that is to say, to protect their interests in pharmaceuticals and corporate prisons. Nothing has Changed except for my ulcer. The Big O himself laughed off legalization as a strategy; yet idealistic liberal potheads were short stroking himself into a frenzy because Holder ordered a halt on Medical Marijuana facility raids The time has come to stop deluding yourselves that this is anything but a repackaged version of the same bullshit. The State is propelled by inertia; just hope it doesn't go through your house on the way out.

Tuesday, December 21, 2010

The Scumfuck Praxis: Felon Options

So when you are building a stoner militia for post apocalypse skirmishes, there are a couple of challenges that your average survivalist group do not have to face. One of them is that you will probably end up with a few guys with felony convictions that will be unable to buy firearms. Now, in theory you could just straw purchase them, but we all know that Chris By-The-Throat is a law abiding citizen (gurglegurglegurgle....fsssssssssst....pffffffffffff cough cough cough) and furthermore if your buddies with records get caught with a working firearm, they are looking at a nickel at least and more likely a dime in the rape factory. So that forces us to explore some non traditional options for arming your team members.

First a caveat or two: most of these weapons are not going to be a match for a unit armed with firearms in a stand up fight. Your job is to avoid the stand up fight when possible. And remember, internet hardasses, these platforms are not without their advantages either. I wouldn't arm the whole team with them, but it is possible to integrate them into an existing unit.

This entry is purely for rifle substitutes; I will cover pistol substitutes and accessories at a later time.

Pre 1899 Firearms: Believe it or not, firearms made before 1899 are not considered firearms. How this is supposed to work is really kind of beyond the comprehension of sane men, but even a felon can own an old Krag or an antique revolver provided you are willing to pony up the cash. The cost is prohibitive in many cases, but this is your best option. Ammo is going to be scarce-most of these weapons are not chambered in modern calibers although it is possible to modify them to take modern ammunition. All in all, this is your best option if cost is not a factor to you.

Bows & Crossbows: Contrary to popular gun forum belief, these are not weapons that you can just count out. Modern compound bows and crossbows are light, reliable, very quiet, and can mount a number of advanced accessories. I believe crossbows are superior to long bows, due to the strength required to draw and hold a long bow, as well as a longer range. Our token felon has a Horton but any of the major manufacturers will do; just don't buy the cheap pistol crossbows they sell at flea markets-they aren't worth shit. His is built about like an M4 and can mount many of the same accessories.

Blowguns: Perhaps the cheapest option, a good blowgun can be had for under a hundred bucks with plenty of ammo and a surfeit of accessories. Lethal results are low unless toxin is used, but it is relatively simple to extract nicotine and coat your darts with them for a fatal overdose. I am really interested in those Big Bore Blowguns from Cold Steel, but a blowgun of even middling quality can put a dart on target at 40 feet away. They are great for small game hunting and easy to practice with. Not ideal by any means, but a workable idea.

Air Guns: For the record, I'm not talking about the Christmas Story Red Ryder or the Daisy or any of the other .177 caliber airguns you might have learned on as a kid. I'm talking about some of the heavyweight models that are used for big game hunting (seriously) which are silent, lethal, and require no paperwork. The biggest downside is the same as a crossbow-they are very slow to reload. The mall ninja in me dreams of creating a fully automatic, high pressure pneumatic airgun that fires ball bearings, which I mount to the top of my car like a machine gun. It is, of course, perfectly legal to build your own.

Spears / Javelins: One of mankind's oldest weapons, the wide blade gives it one of the most fatal wound channels of any weapon on this list. In addition to being an adequate ranged weapon, it is good for close combat as well. An atlatl can increase your range and power with the weapon exponentially. The downside is range-probably the shortest of any weapon on this list, unless you are Hercules.

So that is more or less the canonical list. But before I close this entry out I want to talk about two options that people sometimes tout-airsoft guns and paintball markers. Paintball markers, when loaded with OC, are remarkably effective in controlling riots in the hands of police, so why wouldn't they be an option? Well, there are two reasons-one, no one sells OC paintballs to private citizens (It isn't illegal as far as I can tell, just manufacturer prejudice) and two, the purpose of the long gun is to kill. I don't shoot to wound, and I don't carry a long gun that is incapable of inflicting a lethal injury. It is even worse for those that tout an airsoft gun for bugging out-their intention is to bluff their way past everyone by having a realistic looking weapon. Personally, I would rather bluff with a real spear than with a toy gun.

So the next entry in the Scumfuck Praxis series will be PDW options for the felon. I hope you are organizing and training, even if you have a record. There are those in the survivalist community that would dismiss you out of hand for this, but remember-your right to defend yourself is God given, and inalienable, and despite occasional bits of immigrant hatin' chest thumpin' onward Christian soldiers nonsense, there are those that will still welcome you as brothers.

Tuesday, December 14, 2010

While I work on some actual content...

Because you need to see this.

Thank you, Mr. Vasquez. For Johnny the Homocidal Maniac, and I'm an original fan bitches not some hot topic poseur, and for Invader Zim, which I admittedly didn't pick up until like a year ago. And now for this.

If you google yourself or something, dude: You need to collaborate with Todd Schorr on a Monster Magnet video. And hey, if you are looking for a dude to drop some acid and test screen it for you, I know where you can get one. Will Work for Hallucinogens.

Saturday, December 4, 2010

The Teapot Party: The Call to Arms

First, if you will forgive me a shameless plug.

Willie Nelson's National Teapot Party

Indiana Teapot Party

I would like to address my fellow stoners in particular, because this issue is so dear to our hearts. I have some fundamental truths to spill here, and some of you are not going to like them, or me. That is O.K. But I want you to be aware of them, because We are on the same side, so no team killing please. Just listen a moment, if you will.

The Drug War is a very, very real war-and we are going to see more blood spilled before it is over, not less. The violence from our own government in the name of public health (and can anyone find the logic in that) is going to be nothing compared to the backlash from those who have staked their entire cash flow on an artificially inflated street price.

The men who profit from Drug Prohibition are dangerous, amoral criminals, and legalization alone is not going to make them go away. Rather, it is going to hurt them, badly, and in the only place they care about, their profit margin. They buy Mexican politicians with ease, and American politicians with perhaps slightly less ease. Such men do not surrender money and power easily. When we win this legal fight, and we will, there is going to be a backlash from men with nothing to lose and a literal army at their command.

Folks, there are going to be buckets of blood when this thing is done, and we need to tool the fuck up if we are going to make it stick.

Let me speak clearly here. I am talking about an armed, above ground, pro cannibis movement. I personally believe in the legalization and taxation of all substances with predictable effects to risk aware adults. But it will start with the sacred herb, and all to the good as that is my substance of choice.

The mainstream Tea Party is infamous for armed activism. As you can probably tell from the content of my blog, I am in the crazy gun nut faction. Let me share a private dream with you now. I hope you will take my message to heart.

The Republicans are making war on you. The Democrats are making war on you. And if you get them to stop murdering us all with a no knock warrant to stop you from inhaling a plant that is bad for your health, then the violence will instead come from men with no oversight committees, no pesky Bill of Rights, and no investment (or at least nominal obligation) to create a safe and civil environment.

I'm not going to blow you away with horror stories; you can find them yourself if you care to. But rest assured that we need to be ready to weather the storm, from both sides, and that means literal preparedness.

In time, I would be happy to post some basic preparedness information for the starting stoner. For now, examine such sites as Survivalblog to begin your journey.

In the end, all we drug users have had to rely on is ourselves and each other, as mainstream society will brush off our murders with a smug, knowing shake of their heads. We need to network and organize...and we need to arm ourselves and train, and make it known that our rights will be respected by all who would lie and murder for the right to trample them.

And let me tell you, you want some motherfucking press? 50, 100, 200 motherfuckers, armed to the teeth at a pro pot rally, smoking fat blunts and daring the police to arrest them.

What better place than here?
What better time than now?

Wednesday, December 1, 2010

Top Ten List: The Joys of Stoner Parenthood

#10: The school play is actually awesome and hilarious, especially the Christmas program. And everyone hands out cookies, which you will appreciate more than anyone.

#9: The cop that sees your car seat and your JPFO bumper sticker never suspects you have a packed bowl in your diaper bag on your way to the park. It is even better if you have the kid and it is a cute one, because they assume doper's kids are generally either with the grandparents or off starving in their own shit somewhere.

#8: You can watch the same movie two hundred million times in a row and still be entertained every time. Often you develop a sort of Rocky Horror audience participation dialogue or elaborate subplot. You don't know this, but the Monsters, Inc world got invaded by Russia for kidnapping a high ranking Party official's child in 1954 in what the race of monsters calls "The Red Time."

#7: All of your kid's toys are awesome. I once composed a hip hop backbeat with a talking alphabet catapillar as my keyboard. For the less creative, you can always try to trick it into saying cuss words. A friend of ours, Codename Shane Train, wore the batteries out on this toy before Gracie was even born.

#6: "Mac & Cheese again? Hell yeah, let me get the ranch dressing."

#5: Nobody questions you baking brownies for no reason at all. Everybody is all like "Wow, what great parents, making cookies for their kid," when you are really like "Man, I'm baked, how about we make some fuckin' cookies with M&M's in them and shit." They also seldom question you singing loudly and in public.

#4: Angry Mommy & Daddy arguments usually peter out about 4:27 or so. There is very little chance of the kid growing up against a background of constant screaming.

#3: You are always well stocked on juice and Kool aid, so cotton mouth seldom rears it's ugly head.

#2: Everything your kid does and says is hilarious rather than aggravating. You find yourself laughing together more often, and nobody ever looks back on their childhood and says "Man, I wish there was less laughter."

#1: You always have a pressure valve when you have gone four nights without 8 hours of sleep and you want to chew your feet off and shove them in your ears.