Tuesday, December 21, 2010

The Scumfuck Praxis: Felon Options

So when you are building a stoner militia for post apocalypse skirmishes, there are a couple of challenges that your average survivalist group do not have to face. One of them is that you will probably end up with a few guys with felony convictions that will be unable to buy firearms. Now, in theory you could just straw purchase them, but we all know that Chris By-The-Throat is a law abiding citizen (gurglegurglegurgle....fsssssssssst....pffffffffffff cough cough cough) and furthermore if your buddies with records get caught with a working firearm, they are looking at a nickel at least and more likely a dime in the rape factory. So that forces us to explore some non traditional options for arming your team members.

First a caveat or two: most of these weapons are not going to be a match for a unit armed with firearms in a stand up fight. Your job is to avoid the stand up fight when possible. And remember, internet hardasses, these platforms are not without their advantages either. I wouldn't arm the whole team with them, but it is possible to integrate them into an existing unit.

This entry is purely for rifle substitutes; I will cover pistol substitutes and accessories at a later time.

Pre 1899 Firearms: Believe it or not, firearms made before 1899 are not considered firearms. How this is supposed to work is really kind of beyond the comprehension of sane men, but even a felon can own an old Krag or an antique revolver provided you are willing to pony up the cash. The cost is prohibitive in many cases, but this is your best option. Ammo is going to be scarce-most of these weapons are not chambered in modern calibers although it is possible to modify them to take modern ammunition. All in all, this is your best option if cost is not a factor to you.

Bows & Crossbows: Contrary to popular gun forum belief, these are not weapons that you can just count out. Modern compound bows and crossbows are light, reliable, very quiet, and can mount a number of advanced accessories. I believe crossbows are superior to long bows, due to the strength required to draw and hold a long bow, as well as a longer range. Our token felon has a Horton but any of the major manufacturers will do; just don't buy the cheap pistol crossbows they sell at flea markets-they aren't worth shit. His is built about like an M4 and can mount many of the same accessories.

Blowguns: Perhaps the cheapest option, a good blowgun can be had for under a hundred bucks with plenty of ammo and a surfeit of accessories. Lethal results are low unless toxin is used, but it is relatively simple to extract nicotine and coat your darts with them for a fatal overdose. I am really interested in those Big Bore Blowguns from Cold Steel, but a blowgun of even middling quality can put a dart on target at 40 feet away. They are great for small game hunting and easy to practice with. Not ideal by any means, but a workable idea.

Air Guns: For the record, I'm not talking about the Christmas Story Red Ryder or the Daisy or any of the other .177 caliber airguns you might have learned on as a kid. I'm talking about some of the heavyweight models that are used for big game hunting (seriously) which are silent, lethal, and require no paperwork. The biggest downside is the same as a crossbow-they are very slow to reload. The mall ninja in me dreams of creating a fully automatic, high pressure pneumatic airgun that fires ball bearings, which I mount to the top of my car like a machine gun. It is, of course, perfectly legal to build your own.

Spears / Javelins: One of mankind's oldest weapons, the wide blade gives it one of the most fatal wound channels of any weapon on this list. In addition to being an adequate ranged weapon, it is good for close combat as well. An atlatl can increase your range and power with the weapon exponentially. The downside is range-probably the shortest of any weapon on this list, unless you are Hercules.

So that is more or less the canonical list. But before I close this entry out I want to talk about two options that people sometimes tout-airsoft guns and paintball markers. Paintball markers, when loaded with OC, are remarkably effective in controlling riots in the hands of police, so why wouldn't they be an option? Well, there are two reasons-one, no one sells OC paintballs to private citizens (It isn't illegal as far as I can tell, just manufacturer prejudice) and two, the purpose of the long gun is to kill. I don't shoot to wound, and I don't carry a long gun that is incapable of inflicting a lethal injury. It is even worse for those that tout an airsoft gun for bugging out-their intention is to bluff their way past everyone by having a realistic looking weapon. Personally, I would rather bluff with a real spear than with a toy gun.

So the next entry in the Scumfuck Praxis series will be PDW options for the felon. I hope you are organizing and training, even if you have a record. There are those in the survivalist community that would dismiss you out of hand for this, but remember-your right to defend yourself is God given, and inalienable, and despite occasional bits of immigrant hatin' chest thumpin' onward Christian soldiers nonsense, there are those that will still welcome you as brothers.


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