Wednesday, December 1, 2010

Top Ten List: The Joys of Stoner Parenthood

#10: The school play is actually awesome and hilarious, especially the Christmas program. And everyone hands out cookies, which you will appreciate more than anyone.

#9: The cop that sees your car seat and your JPFO bumper sticker never suspects you have a packed bowl in your diaper bag on your way to the park. It is even better if you have the kid and it is a cute one, because they assume doper's kids are generally either with the grandparents or off starving in their own shit somewhere.

#8: You can watch the same movie two hundred million times in a row and still be entertained every time. Often you develop a sort of Rocky Horror audience participation dialogue or elaborate subplot. You don't know this, but the Monsters, Inc world got invaded by Russia for kidnapping a high ranking Party official's child in 1954 in what the race of monsters calls "The Red Time."

#7: All of your kid's toys are awesome. I once composed a hip hop backbeat with a talking alphabet catapillar as my keyboard. For the less creative, you can always try to trick it into saying cuss words. A friend of ours, Codename Shane Train, wore the batteries out on this toy before Gracie was even born.

#6: "Mac & Cheese again? Hell yeah, let me get the ranch dressing."

#5: Nobody questions you baking brownies for no reason at all. Everybody is all like "Wow, what great parents, making cookies for their kid," when you are really like "Man, I'm baked, how about we make some fuckin' cookies with M&M's in them and shit." They also seldom question you singing loudly and in public.

#4: Angry Mommy & Daddy arguments usually peter out about 4:27 or so. There is very little chance of the kid growing up against a background of constant screaming.

#3: You are always well stocked on juice and Kool aid, so cotton mouth seldom rears it's ugly head.

#2: Everything your kid does and says is hilarious rather than aggravating. You find yourself laughing together more often, and nobody ever looks back on their childhood and says "Man, I wish there was less laughter."

#1: You always have a pressure valve when you have gone four nights without 8 hours of sleep and you want to chew your feet off and shove them in your ears.


  1. I will keep these things in mind, should I ever have a kid. :P


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