Tuesday, July 31, 2012

Whatever the opposite of deprecation is...

You know, I spend a lot of time on this blog trying to showcase my humility with plenty of self deprecating humor and the occasional bitterly emo post.

Not today, bitches.

Today, I'm going to tell you what Chris By-The-Throat brings to the table.  Think of it as my freestyle SHTF resume.

I am stealthy and cunning and full of tricks.  I read quickly, retain information well, and have much sharper hearing than the average jerkoff.  I can take a hit like a motherfucking champ, from a bong or a fist or a chain.  Unlike most nerds, I have a decent charisma score.  I surround myself with useful people and retain their absolute loyalty through the simplest of methods-I expect it.  Not because I deserve it, but because I give it in return.

I'm smarter than a lot of motherfuckers and more expressive than most of them.  My empathy borders on the frightening sometimes; I can cold read like a carnival magician.  I'm quick, way quicker than anyone will be expecting given my linebacker build, and even if I'm not quick enough, I'm practiced at deception.  I have swum the shark filled waters of the underground economy for a long time and never been eaten.

I am wise enough to wait and wicked enough to decieve.  I can go where I want and get what I need.  I know how to learn.  I know how to teach.  I know when to cover and when to reach.

Look out for me, world.  I'm here to rock your motherfuckin' face.


  1. Damn. I wish I had you on my zombie team.

  2. He LEADS my zombie team. Of course... I'm like the bastard remote watchpost member of the organization now, but still...