Tuesday, December 20, 2011

My Castle

You wanna know what I want for Christmas?

A motherfucking castle.

When people ask me what my dream is, I tell them. Often they don't believe me. Other times, they just think I'm a grade A nutburger. (This is not an incorrect assumption.) But I can't help it; just like I'm wired to have multiple wives, I'm also wired to have a big motherfucking castle. Really the wiring problem is the same; I simply refuse to let go of my childhood dreams in any form. Society would tell me that this is an unacceptable lifestyle that is bound to result in disappointment on both fronts.

Fuck them.

I want a castle.

I want a two story castle made of rusty shipping containers, with sandbag crenellations, on a low rising hill with a good natural spring and a cleared field of fire out to 500 yards. I want a moat filled with the fiercest beasts I can muster, even if its just snapping turtles. I want a secret door in every room that leads to the Sexy Action Command Post. I want a back deck that combines a zen garden with an advanced shooting range. I want a water tower that doubles as a lookout post. I want windows with roll down ballistic shutters and firing slits. I want the whole thing to be sitting on 600 acres of prime Indiana hardwood with nary a public road in sight. I want a biofuel plant and a big woodlot. I want ATV trails and obstacle courses and secret tunnels and an epic treehouse as an RZ. I want a courtyard with a deep well and a chicken coop and an herb garden. I want my own badass dojo and gym right on the premises. I want one room just for bondage and discipline with two side by side cages with Amanda's name on one and the other marked ?????

I want all my homies living in the outlying cabins, with distance varying by curmudgeonliness. I want weekly field training exercises. I want to have weekly gaming sessions / strategy meetings in my basement command post. I want Amanda and Gracie to ride horses whenever they damn well please. I want an apple orchard and a stocked pond and a greenhouse. I want a green, sustainable living model wherein sewage is processed into electricity and fertilizer. I want fields of tobacco and hemp as far as the eye can see.

Seems to me the thing to do is become wealthy. I'm gonna get right on that. Later, bitches.

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