Monday, November 1, 2010

The Return of Mall Ninja Confession Booth - Gun School Phobia

Like some of you, I have not invested nearly enough in my training.

I've taken the jerk off safety courses as a kid, done some static shooting for accuracy, dicked around with a little bit of dry fire practice, and read up on the literature, but I still haven't taken a serious fightin' rifle class. And this drives me nuts; I hate it.

It is okay if you hate me if you know I'm that guy-you know, the scruffy deluded mall ninja with a cheap AK and no operator experience or impressive tactical course resume. But what you should really hate is that 75% of the internet gun sphere is also that guy. I don't know their reasons, but I thought I'd discuss my own.

It is easy to say "I'm broke" but I'm not-not since my promotion anyway. I am short on time-painfully so if you hadn't noticed from the status of my novel or this blog. But neither of these obstacles are infinite and I am close to my goals of overcoming both now. I should be excited, but I'm really kind of nervous. The reason is Gun School Phobia.

I finally understand those guys with locker room fear-I never had it, because despite my poor marksmanship I have a huge cock-but the principle is the same. And it isn't even my skills that concern me when I think of going-it will likely be a beginner class and everyone will suck. It is mostly my gear. I'm going to show up with my low end Century WASR and my knock off 'Spetnatz' tac vest and my well worn Springfield 1911-and motherfuckers are going to laugh at me, because the internet is full of gun snobs who will show up for the beginner class with M4's with more equity than my car and I can't stand it. Those people aggrieve me when I see them posting on the internet telling others that that they won't even bother prying the weapon off their zombie chewed course if they pick X Weapon. I don't think I could stand them in real life.

You know how bad it is? I have a retort all planned for any snide comments about my shit. "Look, damnit, it was either the Century (Springfield\Milsurp\Cold Steel\Generic) with training or the Arsenal (Kimber\Eagle\Custom) without training-who would you rather have at your back?" And in my head, and here with my dirt poor, Mosin and SKS owning chums, the saying flies. But there is no pacifying the gun snob crowd, and it makes me want to grind my teeth.

There are some good courses in Indiana from Suarez International, and over in Ohio DavePal84 (From the ZS forums) teaches a class that I would love to take as well. I have the ammo and the money for the training is falling into place-I even have some vacation time left. Essentially, I find my bullshit excuses evaporating and it has come down to this very primal, very ugly point.

It is a stupid worry-everyone is going to be there to learn, and there is no way some of these dicks are going to be as bad without the veil of anonymity, and fuck, it isn't like these gun snobs are exempt from being among the 75% that aren't going to be there anyway, right? Right.

It is ridiculous really-I mean what I should be worrying about is finding a school that will consent to teach a politically dangerous dope smoking scumfuck, not fretting because some guy telling me my gear is dogshit as if I didn't know already. But I am, and I find I don't like this about myself.

Our next practice bugout is tentatively scheduled for March. I'm getting a fucking class in before then somehow. I'll feel better when I'm out of that 75% and I can feel snobby about that.

Maybe I'll see you there.


  1. Fuck 'em! I've been known to show up at a training class with a revolver. A 686 with a 6" bbl. Guys who know me call it the hand cannon. I've even had instructors give me funny looks.

    Being INTJ can be useful sometimes...

  2. Pft. Those gun classes are a joke dude. So are the over hyped internet gun humpers that run them. Tell ya what I'll come down in the spring or summer. We'll plan out a camping trip with the Crackheads and I'll show you guys some tactics and training methods I learned in the Marines and Recon.

  3. I wouldn't worry about it. I've never seen it happen, anyway.

    Besides, if your gear works, who cares how much it cost?

    Look, you know who looks stupid at gun school? The guy who puts a bunch of cheap crap on his M4gery because it looks all cool and ninj-y, and he doesn't know what it's for, or why it's there, or how to use it, and it all breaks on day one. That Guy would have got a lot more out of class if he'd just showed up with a naked gun that didn't break.

    And as far as not knowing how to shoot, well, that's why you came to class, right? If you were a total ninja stud, you wouldn't need it. You'd just mow the enemy hordes over with your awesomeness. ;)

  4. @ Parabarbarian : Do you run speedloaders in your rig? I like revolvers but I've always felt like speedloaders would not be a good idea for a guy with my Dexterity score

    @ D : You need to get thine ass down to the next bugout then. Check the FB page, we are narrowing down a date. However I'll probably take the class as well; sadly I am the leader of this outfit and I need to look competent from the get go.

    @ Tam : Oh, it is still my awesomeness I am banking on. Got any recommendations for a good bargain bin friendly, preferably Hoosier class? You know, "Think Globally, Act Locally"

  5. The Boone County Sheriff's Dept. range hosts quite a few of the better-known traveling instructors, including Louis Awerbuck and Pat Rogers. In addition, Sheriff Ken is an adjunct instructor for Gunsite and offers API 150 (Pistol 1) and API 223 (Carbine 1) there at the range. He has an email list you can join where he keeps you updated with the training calendar.

    Good value for the money, since driving to Lebanon is cheaper than flying to Phoenix...

  6. The only speedloaders I use any more are for the j-frames. For those I use the Safariland Comp 1.

    My favorite revolver is the 686+ --Stainless Steel L-frame with seven shots. I had one modified for moonclips and really liked it but I resisted using them for any serious work because of the stories about them bending. Just for a test (I'm an Engineer and I liek testing and tinkering), I carried a Ranch Products moonclip loaded with seven dummy cartridges (brass + bullet but no powder or primer) on my belt for three weeks.

    During that time. I took it out of the pouch (DeSantis Second Six sized for the HKS 586/7) and dropped it in my pocket for while. Then I'd put it back in the pouch. Occasionally I'd toss the loaded clip down a long hall at work. I even threw it against the wall a couple of time just to see if anything would come loose. So far it has stood up to more abuse than I suspect it would ever get in my boring, mundane life.

    Afterwards I did an bit of honest engineering -- the kind with math -- and, based on my analysis, I think the SEVEN rounds clips for 357/38 are MUCH more resistant to any permanent deformation than the six or eight rounders. This assumes a good quality spring steel clip -- TkCustom (Hearthco) are the best but Ranch Products are almost as good at 1/2 the price even if I buy retail.

    I do plan to take a Dremel tool to an HKS 587 to see if I can make it hold and release a loaded moonclip.


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