Relationship Advice from a Fuckup, Part I

This one is going to be more fucked up than most of them, folks. Please sign this waiver to indicate you have been warned. Mom, uh, you might want to skip this one. You know this stuff about your son anyway, but the discussion itself might bother you.

So recently I learned that our friends were poking fun at Amanda's and my verbage when we are together, specifically saying "love" to address each other. Nothing unusual about the mockery; in this group nothing is sacred when it comes to mockery, from race to childhood sexual trauma. It is part of how we interact, and harmless.

People who do not know me are often surprised by how demonstrative and affectionate I am with those that I love in general and to my wife in particular, especially given that our relationship sometimes involves a gag made of damp panties or an orgy under a sheet fort. I am not shy with my physical affection for anyone, partially because my family, fucked up though they are, never made me feel ashamed about it, and partially because of some very sage advice on the part of my grandfather. He told me there are two ways to keep a woman happy-affection, and jewelry-but affection is free.

It is more than that though, and part of it has to do with how amazing my wife is-it is easy to love her, because she is insanely grateful to have it. She is witty, practical, a perfect comedic foil and (not a minor issue) motherfucking brilliant in the sack, with a capacity for enjoying pain and humiliation that is just exquisite. So in my (twisted) thinking, let me update that saying to my particular situation here, and make it "If you fall for a woman who will happily eat your cum off her girlfriend's face, you call her whatever the fuck makes her happy, and you shout 'Snoogie Woogie Lumpkins' from the muthafuckin' rooftops, because she deserves all the happiness she is willing to give you."

I'm glad she is content with "Love" though. "Snoogie Woogie Lumpkins" kind of makes me nauseous.