So. About this glaring lack of story updates.
I have mentioned before that I am obsessed with flow. My life is defined by strange organic rhythms and eldritch, overwritten cadences, as well as a few just plain weird artifacts that I think might be related to the drugs. The things that hit me hardest are not the things that hurt me or make me unhappy-the things that really blindside me are the things that upset my flow.
It started with a change at work. I'm not sure if any of you know this, but the entire story had been written on the clock-in fact at least part of the reason I used ZS was so I could save my story somewhere and write blog entries and such when slow periods come up, as they often do in the customer support business. In addition to that glowing feeling of being the brilliant dangerous sexy subversive anti hero that I am by taking company time to write my own shit, it kept me awake all night and got me into a delicate iambic pentameter where I went through the slow periods in a very specific way. I would smoke my first cigarette at around 2 am right after our initial rush of calls, come back in for the 2 for 5 slow period, and write. I wouldn't allow myself another cigarette unless I had finished a chapter.
Then I was working on a chapter and I lost a large chunk of it due to a save error on my part. I was totally happy with it until I tried to rewrite it, and in fact I hate the shit out of it now-that's why it is only posted on ZS and not on this blog. So for a few days I mulled around with trying to rewrite it, and during that time a big change came down from management-no more filtered internet for you. So long, endless reading material and accessible notepad.
So now I have to try and make time to write on my own, and that in itself is hard enough-as a parent, prepper, consumate sodomite and full time employee of a company that enjoys that has it's dicks in more asses than an ACORN coyote, my time is very fucking short.
I can adapt. Time, though annoying, can be harvested with careful stewardship of one's resources. I can even hand write the story at work, like I am with this blog entry, though my hands are cramping like a 13 year old boy trapped in a bathroom with a brazier catalogue. But getting my flow back is another story and it is always a struggle while I balance myself again. I'm sorry to all you guys who are reading this; believe me when I say your support was a critical part of my flow as well. Every ego tickle is a cookie for my brain. Mmmmm....cookies.
Heres hoping you stick with me anyway.
I'm sticking with you. And I had a similar experience with my last update. I had completely re-edited chapter 8 and and beyond, but for some strange reason when I try to open the file it looks like egyptian hieroglyphs. Apparently my microsoft office program is doing something to my word program. I have been able to open an older word file from years ago, and I don't understand why that one opens and the others don't. At any rate, now the rest of the fully edited chaps and the recent additions are all fubared and I have to start over on them....once again. My flow is disrupted, and I am so upset that I can't seem to concentrate long enough to rewrite/edit. I wanted to publish this within a few months. Now I sit and stare at it and just cry.
ReplyDeleteI'll get back into it eventually, but it feels like I've been hit from every direction and it hurts. I'm very tired of hurting. My story is my baby and it means so much to me. Right now I just feel too numb to attempt fixing this. But I am looking forward to reading more of your work. I wish I was half the writer you are.
I didn't mean to say that my office program is messing up my word program, that didn't come out right. I take full responsibility of this mess and it is all due to human error on my part. I'm just not computer literate enough to figure out what to do.
ReplyDeleteI'd tickle your ego baby.
ReplyDelete