Recon

Friday, November 27, 2009

If I may wax religious for a moment...

I am deeply and abidingly grateful for all the manifest blessings in my life.

First off is my beautiful daughter Altagracia, to whom I owe at least a portion of my newfound salvation. By merely existing in a state of unconditional love, you have built me up from a bitter, vicious and petty scumfuck praying for the world to end, to the enlightened scumfuck I am today. I have seen universal beauty and truth in your unwavering, determined blue eyes as they contemplate the world around you, exquisite divine purpose in your tiny hands as they hold onto mine, and simple, untainted joy in your giggle. You are more than my beloved daughter; you are my redemption, and to you I owe whatever sad case I can make at the throne of Heaven to admit me despite my flaws, weaknesses, delusions, perversions, sicknesses and buried hatreds. Watching you grow tall in the light of God's grace is my keenest pleasure, and the one for which I will fight most dearly.

The second blessing is Amanda, my wife in spirit if not in bastardized legality. While our daughter is the salvation of my soul, you are the salvation of my heart & mind-my eternal steadfast companion in a life marked mostly by my spectacular fuckups. Your simple devotion and unwavering love for me buttressed me against all those dark years of bitter, galling failure, giving me strength when I just couldn't hack it any more. You have accepted the whole of me, every last depraved centimetre, and without you even the most modest of my achievements would still be frustrated pipe dreams. I am thankful that you know when to prick me and when to coddle me, when to nip my schemes in the bud and when to smile and nod. You have seen me crash and burn a thousand times, but never lost faith in me, and in doing so restored my faith in myself.

I am thankful for my friends-the best goddamn bunch of stoned D&D nerd militiamen that ever rolled a twenty sider, hit a bong or racked the bolt of an AK. I am thankful that I have never found a situation so dire that I could not get a place to crash, a friendly ear, a long term and possibly unpaid loan, a cigarette, a job referral, and a steady supply of drugs. I am proud and thankful for the trials we have endured together, the strength and support we have drawn from each other in times when eating involved digging in dumpsters and other, less savory activities. I have seen some ugly times, but by the grace of God and the circle of unbreaking loyalty among you freaks, I have never had to face any of them alone.

In addition, I am deeply thankful for my job. Not many people with GED's and no practical job training have a job these days, particularly a job that is stable and secure which they are good at. I am thankful for all those years in bland telemarketing hell, hating my job and myself and everyone I worked with, because it gave me the experience to be hired on at the job I am doing. I see the Pink Collar dying all around me, and every day I am thankful that I can draw a paycheck to support this beautiful family I have given me. I am grateful I get paid enough that Amanda can stay home with Gracie. I am grateful that the people I work with aren't choads. I am grateful the job is easy enough I can get away with blogging at work. In short, I am grateful for the means to do what I must do in this world.

Finally I am grateful for my family. This time of year, I find myself thinking of my grandfather often-God rest his troubled soul. Though you are gone, I cannot help but feel blessed that I had you as my guiding figure in this life. I am grateful that you taught me the many lessons you did, and I am grateful that I have the opportunity not to repeat your mistakes. I find when I am digging deep in myself for the strength to get up and go on, it is always the strength of your spirit I feel urging me on, always your hand I feel on my shoulder shaking me out of my stupor\slumber\self pity party so I can get on with the business at hand. Gracie is my soul, Amanda my heart and mind, but you have always embodied my strength.

God has given me my fair ration of shit, I think, although I know that there are those worse off than me-and believe me, I am thankful not to be those poor fucks. But I have had more than my fair share of blessings, by any man's reckoning, and these five columns which hold up my life are only the beginning of them, not the end. So in the end, I can only render my thanks and praise unto you, YHVH, who has given me more happiness and an easier road than I deserve. I hope I can make myself worthy of it in time.

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