Faux Weed & Digital Cigarettes

Welcome WRSA vagabonds. (Ninja Edit: And Tam's readers as well) r I hope you'll enjoy your little stay here in the dark soiled basement of the internet. Please ignore the screaming and pleading for mercy; it goes away around lunchtime.

So I've been trying that fake weed shit more. There are two varieties I've been trying, one called "Mad Hatter" and one called "Baked Goods" both of which are available at gas stations and headshops near you. The cost is reasonable-20 bucks for about 3 grams, a bit shy of an eighth but legal at least. I don't plan on giving up real weed but Amanda might have to for a job. Honestly, it is also much safer to travel with, but make sure you have a piece just for the fake weed because otherwise they can still bust you for the resin.

Let me tell you my number one complaint first off-I am NOT wild about all the fucking stems in my fake weed. Seriously folks, you can't get away with that in a legal product. Imagine picking up a beer and then running it through a filter to get all the straw out of it-you wouldn't buy that fucking beer would you? But the fake weed companies get away with it because, hey, what are you gonna do about it? And the answer is, of course, bend over and take it up the tailpipe.

Anyway, beyond that-the shit gets you high. The Baked Goods is milder, with a longer lasting effect. It is also the better tasting of the two, being almost like the real deal. The Mad Hatter is stronger and has a shorter effect-you'll be stoned to the bone for about 45 minutes and completely sober within an hour and a half.

Both have their purpose but the Mad Hatter can get you real fucked up if you aren't careful. There is a stimulant agent of some kind and a couple of the crew were telling me it made their heart race and their vision blur. I never get that but I have a stupid crazy tolerance for stimulants. (This isn't bragging-it is an attribute that almost killed me.) The Baked Goods variety is more mellow but neither of them drags you down; you don't get dopey and tired, just dopey. That has a lot of advantages to a Stoner-Parent-On-The-Go. I especially like the short run time of the Mad Hatter-I can be good and stoned for awhile and still function in a short, predictable time period.

The other "drug substitute" I've been trying is an E Cigaratte. Gotta reduce that pack a day analog cigarette consumption-it was getting expensive. Indeed, perhaps the number one item in the plus column for these bad boys is the cost effect-once you pay the startup cost for the electronics, a carton's worth of E cig liquid only runs you about six bucks if you shop smart. The other big plus is that you can smoke anywhere-you can sit in the fucking courthouse and puff on that bad boy. I like that; its like a glowy middle finger.

Honestly, sensation wise, it feels only a little different from a real cigarette. The water vapor is a little heavier than smoke and you can feel that for sure. I use the menthol liquid and I like it-it is a real strong menthol and I like that in general. But they have a crazy variety of flavors and me and Amanda are gonna try some of the more exotic ones soon. I'm particularly excited about the Green Apple. Aesthetically I also like these things; the cigarette glow is a part of the experience I would have missed, and since the tip of the e cigarette glows in a variety of cool colors, you don't lose out on that. It curbs the nicotine craving and gives me something to do with my hands when I'm nervous, and I never have to worry about finding a lighter. I'm gonna wait until I completely give up analog cigarettes (I still smoke two or three a day) to render a final verdict, but the initial prognosis is good.

So there you have it, America-in case the burning question in your mind today was "What is the latest update in Chris By-The-Throat's various substance abuses?" There you have it, motherfucker.