Friday, November 19, 2010

The Jack Chick Terror Hour

So every gamer knows Dark Dungeons, and no one else gives a shit. The gaming population has basically co-opted it into a meme, and the mainstream Christian population has realized that Dungeons & Dragons is escapist fantasy, not Jewlluminati Covert Satanic Cult Training. In most ways, there is almost no point in mocking this sad joke of a man, but fuck knows I never let that stop me before.

So I could scare Jack Chick's pecker back up into his asshole with this new campaign.

First, the player characters-amoral, violent parodies of some already mentally disturbed, drug abusing, sexually deviant people who happen to be gathered together in an armed survivalist militia (...type thing...) who play a Grand Theft Auto version of World of Darkness. Using our superpowers to perpetuate mass slaughter, describing everything in lurid detail, playing under the influence of various drugs and alcohol, and describing terrible dark sex magick rituals in service of Kamala, Wyrm Baroness of Lust-all the things that make gaming terrifying.

For fun, I'd put on some Marilyn Manson (An affectation I'm afraid, most of us don't even like him-Hank III is our most common gaming music) and light some black candles even though it is fucking impossible to read your die rolls or your sheet. And I'd tell my players "Fan service, you sick fucks-Your Basic Torture teacher has asked you to capture and torture a celebrity in an ironic way and harvest their agony to serve the Rapemind, May He Defecate on the Light Forever. You are sitting in west hollywood in an interior design company van, with flies buzzing over the driver's gaping neck hole. Your fearless leader lights a cigarette and waves a blood splattered Star Map. What do you do?"

That mentally ill fuckup would wake up screaming for the rest of his life.

And that makes me happy.


  1. I bought the full assortment of Chick Tracts back in '02 and have had entertainment show up in my in-box every month since.

    Measured in lulz-per-dollar, I don't think I've spent ten bucks more wisely in my entire life...

  2. Lulz-per-dollar...I'm pretty sure that term belongs on the family budget sheet somewhere.

    Have you seen this one? My favorite of the parodies.

  3. Nothing saddens me quite like the knowledge that I don't get to play in this campaign...

  4. "Have you seen this one? My favorite of the parodies."

    The best thing about Chick Tracts is that they are better than any of their parodies. Nobody can make fun of Jack T. Chick any more effectively than Jack T. Chick! :D