Gracie sang a mash up of 3 Shades of Black and Soft Kitty today.
She does that sometimes, mashes songs together or replaces words or lines with other lines. She does the Elmo thing where she finds a word she likes and sings it to the tune of "Twinkle Twinkle Little Star." She hums the songs we sing to her while she does things in her quiet, gravely focused way, building blocks or assembling train tracks or coloring.
These are typical experiences for parents, but most parents probably don't expose her to any good music until much later than we do.
The songs I sing her when she goes to bed at night are chosen very carefully; they have to be songs that I can always remember no matter what my state of intoxication might be. Thus, we have a sort of ADD mix CD setup here, with metal and country and nursery rhymes and showtunes all juxtaposed together. I thought you might like to see the partial list of songs my daughter is always singing or humming and the names she calls them.
Clutch, Cypress Grove - AKA "Now Women" (This song is arguably her favorite; she likes to listen to it on my phone)
Monster Magnet, All Friends and Kingdom Come - AKA "Enter Now" (The standby for when Daddy is *really* fucked up-I can sing this song upside down and blindfolded)
Hank Williams, Cocaine Blues - AKA "Early One Morning" (She loves to sing along with this one; she knows every line)
Fiddler On The Roof OBC, If I Were A Rich Man - AKA "Dibba Dibba" (I catch her singing this one on her own all the time, just going "Dibba dibba dibba dum" at random)
Ronnie James Dio, Rainbow in the Dark - AKA "Rainbow inna Dark" (A good, heavy metal lullaby song)
Tim Mcgraw, Don't Take The Girl - AKA "Johnny's Daddy" (This is a mommy song, but Gracie asks for it all the time)
There are other songs too, especially classic nursery songs, but I find they don't last long enough to have a prayer at getting her to sleep. She needs to have long enough to lose interest in singing and dancing and start getting soothed. I think most people would be creeped out to hear me sing to my daughter; I usually kind of render these songs into a Disney Sing Along format that is probably quite unnerving to anyone that listens to the lyrics.
But I'm raising a bad ass daughter that will someday pwn your little honor student's face off, bitch.
Friday, January 13, 2012
Wednesday, January 11, 2012
The Scumfuck Praxis: Stealth (Best of CBTT's ZS Posts)
The number one component of stealth is patience. Expect extremely slow going if you intend to avoid all contact.
Mobile stealth is 10x harder than static stealth. In a static position, if you are well camoflaged (by debris, ghillie suite, behind a blind) and do not move and remain quiet, the majority of people will not notice you. But if you want to be moving around it is going to be much harder to remain undetected. First off, movement is one of those things that draws the eye instantly, especially rapid or jerky movement. Second, even with noise discipline, the sound of your own footsteps (you will not have 100% silent footsteps with all your gear) can drown out other sounds in the area that you might be alert to otherwise, in addition to giving away your position to others. And thirdly, part of the awareness you could be using to search for potential contacts in the area is going to be given over to the basic task of moving and navigating the busted ass landscape.
Notice these tips are mostly about perception. It is exceedingly hard to hide from someone you do not know is there. So your awareness must be razor sharp if you truly want to move through an area undetected. Here are a couple of tips.
(Editor's note: I am not anybody high speed, but I played a lot of jailbreak as a kid)
1: When in doubt, freeze in place. Again, movement is the absolute first thing that the eye notices. If you suspect but do not know you have been spotted and you are not immediately being fired upon, there is no reason not to take a few seconds to look around.
2: Do not look over the top of things. Cresting a hill or peeking over a fence means that your silhouette is easily visible.
3: When trying to maneuver around potential contact, go farther than you think you need to. People move and if you are going around them it is unlikely you will have any idea what they are up to.
4: Almost more important than good camouflage is good optics. Again, it is highly beneficial if you see them before you can hope to evade them. Good binocs and maybe an NVD are a big help here.
5: Step slowly and carefully, but don't obsess over it. It is more important that you do not trip or knock over anything huge than it is to try some ninja rice paper walk. Most noises are relegated to background noise unless they stand out, so you can get away with more small noises than you think.
6: Be aware of ambient noise and how it can help you. A loud truck, gunfire or a siren can cover the noise if you need to move fast. On a similar note, use distractions when you can. I'm not saying try some ol' Manhunt shit here but the less someone's attention is focused in your direction the better off you are.
7: Sentry removal: Don't try it. There is almost never a reason not to evade in the first place, and that is the kind of stealth that is nearly impossible for us mere mortals. Remember, proximity negates preparation in almost all cases-if you do it right, you don't need to be garrotting motherfuckers.
8: A guy with a spotlight is blind to nearly everything outside it. You would be amazed at how often a spotlight can sweep just over or around you without giving you away. We used to play with a massive 8 D cell monster spotlight and it still only projects a beam 2 feet wide that you can play tag with all night if you are good.
9: Have an immediate plan of action if you get spotted. Depending on the situation, that might be fight or run away, but know what to do immediately and how to signal others to do the same. You will only have a split second in some cases so it is best to know now.
10: Smooth, deliberate movements. When you have to move, you can go faster than you think to if you keep all the movements very smooth. Don't power walk your arms or jerk your head around to look at stuff; instead make every movement flow together.
Ugh, I didn't mean for this to turn into some long pedantic lecture from a guy with a shitload of hide and seek under his belt and nothing else. But rest assured that each of these little truisms has been religiously field tested. :D
Mobile stealth is 10x harder than static stealth. In a static position, if you are well camoflaged (by debris, ghillie suite, behind a blind) and do not move and remain quiet, the majority of people will not notice you. But if you want to be moving around it is going to be much harder to remain undetected. First off, movement is one of those things that draws the eye instantly, especially rapid or jerky movement. Second, even with noise discipline, the sound of your own footsteps (you will not have 100% silent footsteps with all your gear) can drown out other sounds in the area that you might be alert to otherwise, in addition to giving away your position to others. And thirdly, part of the awareness you could be using to search for potential contacts in the area is going to be given over to the basic task of moving and navigating the busted ass landscape.
Notice these tips are mostly about perception. It is exceedingly hard to hide from someone you do not know is there. So your awareness must be razor sharp if you truly want to move through an area undetected. Here are a couple of tips.
(Editor's note: I am not anybody high speed, but I played a lot of jailbreak as a kid)
1: When in doubt, freeze in place. Again, movement is the absolute first thing that the eye notices. If you suspect but do not know you have been spotted and you are not immediately being fired upon, there is no reason not to take a few seconds to look around.
2: Do not look over the top of things. Cresting a hill or peeking over a fence means that your silhouette is easily visible.
3: When trying to maneuver around potential contact, go farther than you think you need to. People move and if you are going around them it is unlikely you will have any idea what they are up to.
4: Almost more important than good camouflage is good optics. Again, it is highly beneficial if you see them before you can hope to evade them. Good binocs and maybe an NVD are a big help here.
5: Step slowly and carefully, but don't obsess over it. It is more important that you do not trip or knock over anything huge than it is to try some ninja rice paper walk. Most noises are relegated to background noise unless they stand out, so you can get away with more small noises than you think.
6: Be aware of ambient noise and how it can help you. A loud truck, gunfire or a siren can cover the noise if you need to move fast. On a similar note, use distractions when you can. I'm not saying try some ol' Manhunt shit here but the less someone's attention is focused in your direction the better off you are.
7: Sentry removal: Don't try it. There is almost never a reason not to evade in the first place, and that is the kind of stealth that is nearly impossible for us mere mortals. Remember, proximity negates preparation in almost all cases-if you do it right, you don't need to be garrotting motherfuckers.
8: A guy with a spotlight is blind to nearly everything outside it. You would be amazed at how often a spotlight can sweep just over or around you without giving you away. We used to play with a massive 8 D cell monster spotlight and it still only projects a beam 2 feet wide that you can play tag with all night if you are good.
9: Have an immediate plan of action if you get spotted. Depending on the situation, that might be fight or run away, but know what to do immediately and how to signal others to do the same. You will only have a split second in some cases so it is best to know now.
10: Smooth, deliberate movements. When you have to move, you can go faster than you think to if you keep all the movements very smooth. Don't power walk your arms or jerk your head around to look at stuff; instead make every movement flow together.
Ugh, I didn't mean for this to turn into some long pedantic lecture from a guy with a shitload of hide and seek under his belt and nothing else. But rest assured that each of these little truisms has been religiously field tested. :D
Tuesday, January 10, 2012
Sad Gracies
Recent circumstances have caused Amanda to pick up more hours at her job.
I don't like this for a number of reasons, but the worst of them really hit home today-Gracie fuckin' hates it and there is nothing I can do to console her.
Daddy and Gracie day used to be a special day where Daddy cut down his sleep to three hours and we spent the whole day together doing fun stuff. It was fun and different-one day a week. Now that its Daddy and Gracie day four days a week, it has become painful and depressing for both of us. For me, it isn't that bad-the sleep thing sucks, but I can just up my pill intake if I need to. The housework is suffering because while I do housework, I'm not as meticulous or detail oriented as my lovely wife. That doesn't bug me either; as long as I have a clear spot in the floor to pace on I can live with it. But really, the problem is that it is breaking Gracie's heart to be separated from her Mommy so much and that I find I cannot stand.
Today she just clung to me and sobbed for Mommy. Not even a screaming tantrum, but a low quiet sobbing where she asked for Mommy over and over. I couldn't get the kid to eat tacos, and she is the taco eatinest kid I ever saw in my whole goddamn life. Towards the end of the night I got her to lay with me and watch a movie, but she still whimpered every time I moved and jumped up if she heard the door handle jiggle. Once she fell asleep, I carried her up to bed and laid down with her, and she still woke up sobbing every twenty minutes until Mommy got home and I went in to work.
It is a hideous thing to hurt your child for their own good; no matter how much we need the money to pay off our various debts and bankroll our various schemes, I wish we were a single income family again. Christ knows that even with Amanda working we still don't have enough money, and when your little girl is curled up in the fetal position and won't eat because she misses her Mommy, it makes you wonder about the ol' cost\benefit ratio.
I don't like this for a number of reasons, but the worst of them really hit home today-Gracie fuckin' hates it and there is nothing I can do to console her.
Daddy and Gracie day used to be a special day where Daddy cut down his sleep to three hours and we spent the whole day together doing fun stuff. It was fun and different-one day a week. Now that its Daddy and Gracie day four days a week, it has become painful and depressing for both of us. For me, it isn't that bad-the sleep thing sucks, but I can just up my pill intake if I need to. The housework is suffering because while I do housework, I'm not as meticulous or detail oriented as my lovely wife. That doesn't bug me either; as long as I have a clear spot in the floor to pace on I can live with it. But really, the problem is that it is breaking Gracie's heart to be separated from her Mommy so much and that I find I cannot stand.
Today she just clung to me and sobbed for Mommy. Not even a screaming tantrum, but a low quiet sobbing where she asked for Mommy over and over. I couldn't get the kid to eat tacos, and she is the taco eatinest kid I ever saw in my whole goddamn life. Towards the end of the night I got her to lay with me and watch a movie, but she still whimpered every time I moved and jumped up if she heard the door handle jiggle. Once she fell asleep, I carried her up to bed and laid down with her, and she still woke up sobbing every twenty minutes until Mommy got home and I went in to work.
It is a hideous thing to hurt your child for their own good; no matter how much we need the money to pay off our various debts and bankroll our various schemes, I wish we were a single income family again. Christ knows that even with Amanda working we still don't have enough money, and when your little girl is curled up in the fetal position and won't eat because she misses her Mommy, it makes you wonder about the ol' cost\benefit ratio.
Monday, January 9, 2012
Occupy Bloomington Evicted
If you heard it here first, its probably because you didn't care-Occupy Bloomington has been kicked to the curb.
Apparently one chick chained herself to a tree. I wonder if she used Mike Sullivan's tree? The picture doesn't look like it. (U c wot i did thar? That's the difference between a Bloomington resident and a goddamn bored college student whining for more entitlement. I know Mike Sullivan's fucking name.) Anyway there were no fireworks-the occupation was not that large at the time they finally chopped it down and there were only two arrests made. I wonder how badass your rebellion is if only two of you stick around long enough to be arrested?
Anyway, despite my constant stream of snark, I'm not unsympathetic to the movement. I like pissed off rabble, and a lot of you are clearly scum, which makes you a de facto member of my team. But if you can't keep up with the minutes of your own meetings over a short period of time, how the hell do you think you are going to accomplish anything?
I hope they continue meeting and training and coordinating. I hope they refine their agenda into something that makes sense. I am sorry for the various abuses that have occasionally been perpetuated on their brethren. But I'm glad People's Park doesn't smell like piss anymore.
Apparently one chick chained herself to a tree. I wonder if she used Mike Sullivan's tree? The picture doesn't look like it. (U c wot i did thar? That's the difference between a Bloomington resident and a goddamn bored college student whining for more entitlement. I know Mike Sullivan's fucking name.) Anyway there were no fireworks-the occupation was not that large at the time they finally chopped it down and there were only two arrests made. I wonder how badass your rebellion is if only two of you stick around long enough to be arrested?
Anyway, despite my constant stream of snark, I'm not unsympathetic to the movement. I like pissed off rabble, and a lot of you are clearly scum, which makes you a de facto member of my team. But if you can't keep up with the minutes of your own meetings over a short period of time, how the hell do you think you are going to accomplish anything?
I hope they continue meeting and training and coordinating. I hope they refine their agenda into something that makes sense. I am sorry for the various abuses that have occasionally been perpetuated on their brethren. But I'm glad People's Park doesn't smell like piss anymore.
Saturday, January 7, 2012
How To Fuck A Space Duck
Welcome to the other portion of my blog. Sometimes I talk about heavy shit, and sometimes I go on about cartoons. You'll get used to it.
So seriously, what the hell?
In case you are wondering, the Mighty Ducks cartoon is loosely based on the Disney film about the titular hockey team-or maybe that film is based on the actual Mighty Ducks of Anaheim, a legitimate hockey team, and the cartoon builds off the same franchise. In either case, someone decided to jazz it up a little by making the hockey players actual ducks from another dimension who arrive in their space ship, take up hockey, strap on some puck blasting lasers and start fighting crime. No, seriously. Basically, the premise is like Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, only more like Youthful Alien Hockey Ducks. A plucky team of heroes blasting away at space lizards with various hockey themed weapons and vehicles apparently ran for 26 freaking episodes.
Don't you just want to go back in time and sit in on that pitch meeting? Like, not even step in to change the flow of history, stop the holocaust, warn America about the housing bubble, whatever...I just want to sit in on the meeting where some guy says "Man, we need to jazz up the franchise, merch revenues are low," and some coke addled jack off goes "Hey, Ninja Turtles is doing pretty well, why don't we have space ducks that fight crime?" And the worst part is, somehow they got everyone to agree to this idea and put it into production.
Just kind of takes your breath away, doesn't it?
(If you are wondering about the title of this entry, no, I have no idea how to fuck a space duck. Why would you even click that, you sick bastard?)
So seriously, what the hell?
In case you are wondering, the Mighty Ducks cartoon is loosely based on the Disney film about the titular hockey team-or maybe that film is based on the actual Mighty Ducks of Anaheim, a legitimate hockey team, and the cartoon builds off the same franchise. In either case, someone decided to jazz it up a little by making the hockey players actual ducks from another dimension who arrive in their space ship, take up hockey, strap on some puck blasting lasers and start fighting crime. No, seriously. Basically, the premise is like Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, only more like Youthful Alien Hockey Ducks. A plucky team of heroes blasting away at space lizards with various hockey themed weapons and vehicles apparently ran for 26 freaking episodes.
Don't you just want to go back in time and sit in on that pitch meeting? Like, not even step in to change the flow of history, stop the holocaust, warn America about the housing bubble, whatever...I just want to sit in on the meeting where some guy says "Man, we need to jazz up the franchise, merch revenues are low," and some coke addled jack off goes "Hey, Ninja Turtles is doing pretty well, why don't we have space ducks that fight crime?" And the worst part is, somehow they got everyone to agree to this idea and put it into production.
Just kind of takes your breath away, doesn't it?
(If you are wondering about the title of this entry, no, I have no idea how to fuck a space duck. Why would you even click that, you sick bastard?)
Tuesday, January 3, 2012
Live From Some Stoner's Couch: Iowa Caucus Coverage.
8:28pm - Just got Gracie to bed. Anyone know any good Caucus Drinking Games? Maybe take a drink every time someone goes ZOMG RASCIST and finish your beer whenever some ponce calls Ron Paul unelectable.
8:30pm - Fox News coverage is set up on the feed in theory. Must fix computer. Bong rips not helping. This r srus stuff d00dz. Ah, there we go. Aw. Newt Gingrich's face just killed my boner. I feel just like Slick Willy.
8:41pm - Roomate dispatched for rolling papers and chaser. This god awful boring shit should get more interesting soon.
8:44pm - 1% Reporting and people are already talking shit like we know anything at this stage
8:50pm - One of the fat fuck pundits just bet donuts; you know he was sure .
8:54pm - Although I have no idea what they are basing this off of, one of the pundits just said "Well, Bachman is out" and I still thought "Oh Thank God."
8:59pm - Am I stoned or did one of these guys just bet a factory?
9:09pm - I truly do not care about "The Results of President Obama's Live Chat"
9:24pm - Gracie just woke up and needed to be put back to bed. What did I miss? Oh wait, 18% reporting. What the fuck have they been talking about this whole time? Oh wait-nothing.
9:34pm - Mmmm. Budweiser.
9:35pm - This red banner that says "Follow Fox News on Twitter" has been on the screen the entire time. Look man, if I haven't started following your twitter by now, it just isn't in the cards. Take it off for fuck's sake.
9:37pm - I was really hoping to go the whole night without the mention of Sarah Palin. Least said, soonest mended.
9:47pm - Honestly the commercial break in the online feed-generic jazz over the logo-was a like a nice cool breeze. Maybe I should watch the screen saver for awhile instead.
9:58pm - Amanda gets home soon. I think I'll have lost interest by then. Maybe I should watch How I Met Your Mother.
8:30pm - Fox News coverage is set up on the feed in theory. Must fix computer. Bong rips not helping. This r srus stuff d00dz. Ah, there we go. Aw. Newt Gingrich's face just killed my boner. I feel just like Slick Willy.
8:41pm - Roomate dispatched for rolling papers and chaser. This god awful boring shit should get more interesting soon.
8:44pm - 1% Reporting and people are already talking shit like we know anything at this stage
8:50pm - One of the fat fuck pundits just bet donuts; you know he was sure .
8:54pm - Although I have no idea what they are basing this off of, one of the pundits just said "Well, Bachman is out" and I still thought "Oh Thank God."
8:59pm - Am I stoned or did one of these guys just bet a factory?
9:09pm - I truly do not care about "The Results of President Obama's Live Chat"
9:24pm - Gracie just woke up and needed to be put back to bed. What did I miss? Oh wait, 18% reporting. What the fuck have they been talking about this whole time? Oh wait-nothing.
9:34pm - Mmmm. Budweiser.
9:35pm - This red banner that says "Follow Fox News on Twitter" has been on the screen the entire time. Look man, if I haven't started following your twitter by now, it just isn't in the cards. Take it off for fuck's sake.
9:37pm - I was really hoping to go the whole night without the mention of Sarah Palin. Least said, soonest mended.
9:47pm - Honestly the commercial break in the online feed-generic jazz over the logo-was a like a nice cool breeze. Maybe I should watch the screen saver for awhile instead.
9:58pm - Amanda gets home soon. I think I'll have lost interest by then. Maybe I should watch How I Met Your Mother.
Monday, January 2, 2012
The Inter Nets Shuffle
It has been an odd couple of days.
The rush of blog traffic kind of shocked me; I went from the majority of my traffic being google searchings for "pooping" turning up here and of course a few of my other on-and-offline chums to, well, whatever I've got now. I'm not really even sure when to or how to respond to comments-not like the technical aspects, but when does a comment require a response and how do you choose what comments to remark on? Like, what are the protocols for when you post your reaction to someone else's shit on your own page? I do have to say I am enjoying all the new blogs to read; some of you are pretty funny motherfuckers.
Thanks for reading, Scumfucketeers, but don't take me as seriously as I do.
Anyway, it is weird to see my traffic meter showing me getting links on various gun forums, though I'm not sure how to handle people talking shit about me on the internet-none here, but a few on some of these gun forums. I stopped short of going Jay and Silent Bob on some of them, and a little short of registering on their forums and posting itemized rebuttals, but I will say this-fuck all you motherfuckers. Ya'll don't know me, so don't fucking judge. I'm sorry I offended your tender Fudd ears and puckered your tender Fudd buttholes.
Anyway, if you are new here, and love guns and firey rhetoric, you might check out this post. If you want to know what I think about the dominant political cuture, remixed with my love of Disney, check out this one. And hey-try this one if you are dying to paint me as a rascist-I'm looking at you, SPLC.
Finally, if you think I should just shut the fuck up and make with the hilarity, go with this one.
Thanks again for reading, folks. I'm gonna be updating the ol' blogroll pretty soon, so stay tuned for exciting format changes! Or nothing! Also possible! WHOOOO ADDERALL!
The rush of blog traffic kind of shocked me; I went from the majority of my traffic being google searchings for "pooping" turning up here and of course a few of my other on-and-offline chums to, well, whatever I've got now. I'm not really even sure when to or how to respond to comments-not like the technical aspects, but when does a comment require a response and how do you choose what comments to remark on? Like, what are the protocols for when you post your reaction to someone else's shit on your own page? I do have to say I am enjoying all the new blogs to read; some of you are pretty funny motherfuckers.
Thanks for reading, Scumfucketeers, but don't take me as seriously as I do.
Anyway, it is weird to see my traffic meter showing me getting links on various gun forums, though I'm not sure how to handle people talking shit about me on the internet-none here, but a few on some of these gun forums. I stopped short of going Jay and Silent Bob on some of them, and a little short of registering on their forums and posting itemized rebuttals, but I will say this-fuck all you motherfuckers. Ya'll don't know me, so don't fucking judge. I'm sorry I offended your tender Fudd ears and puckered your tender Fudd buttholes.
Anyway, if you are new here, and love guns and firey rhetoric, you might check out this post. If you want to know what I think about the dominant political cuture, remixed with my love of Disney, check out this one. And hey-try this one if you are dying to paint me as a rascist-I'm looking at you, SPLC.
Finally, if you think I should just shut the fuck up and make with the hilarity, go with this one.
Thanks again for reading, folks. I'm gonna be updating the ol' blogroll pretty soon, so stay tuned for exciting format changes! Or nothing! Also possible! WHOOOO ADDERALL!
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