Shhh....

I am not, in fact, dead (or even undead) at this time.  Some of you have used various means to contact me and check on my welfare; that is seriously awesome of you but I am OK.

My world stagnates when it's not burning, but I am almost ready to join civilization again.  

I have wandered deep in the wild and wooly beyond of Xanax and Sodomy, and returned intact-I hope.  Soon you will all be subject to the merciless scalpel of my bent logic once again, and somehow be better for it.  But I have to get my shit together just a little more before I can accept regular visitors to my funhouse.

Thank you for your concern and patience, you fucking degenerates. 

FALIMT - Good Golly Miss Mollie

Now I'm not trying to brag like I'm some kind of max level Cultist of Ectasy slash Hunter S. Thompson hardcase, but this ol' scumfuck has been around the block a time or two.  Let me tell you, if they tell you Mollie is something new and different, they are wrong.  It's some kind of concentrated X/MDMA type of deal.  There's an upper in there, but I couldn't quite identify it, and of course the ultra squishy feel good happy buzz of the X itself.  I would regard it firmly in the hallucinogenic category but it doesn't get you contemplative really, just gives you a righteous body buzz and a burst of energy.  The only real head change is the grinding down of social inhibitions.

Why is this relevant?  Well, when I first decided I was going to Bonnaroo, I had decided I was going to try some Mollie.  It seems to be the festival drug du jour, we never get it in Bloomington, and it was something I hadn't tried before.  Had I known it was more or less analagous to E, I probably wouldn't have-but maybe I would have, don't know, I'd already taken my first dip when I found out.  The principal difference between it and the E I was getting in 2007 or so is that it hits you fast-if you lick the powder ("taking a dip") you start feeling something within five or six minutes instead of fifteen to sixty.  But I wouldn't regard the sensation as radically different and I've never found MDMA based drugs to be terribly pleasant, although it does grind out my awkwardness enough that I can try to dance.

Can't exactly say why I just had to try it, really-perhaps just as a reaction against my 30's, some desperate need to prove to myself that I am still hardcore despite my mortage, my kid, the whole white picket fence lifestyle I've built for myself-or had built for me-despite all of the nihilistic predictions of my teenage years.  About the furthest out in space I got on the stuff was a long imaginary conversation with my Nephandi, who berated me about that very subject-and I can do that stone cold sober, god help me.

Really, the best time I had out there was on shrooms, and that's mostly because a) I'm comfortable with the trip and know myself well enough to dose effectively and b) because all my friends were tripping at the time and a collective trip is always better than a solo one.  Miss Mollie is a hell of a drug-a HELL of a drug-just like MDMA is.  But I don't see why people consider it so fucking revolutionary or so amazing, nor why it is the big festival drug, with every third motherfucker walking up and down the lines going MOLLIE? MOLLIE? MOLLIE? like he's looking for his lost sister.

I wonder how much of myself I would destroy, just to deny the fact that I'm getting old and boring?  I think that's the only question I can really take away from this.  I thought on it long and hard on my last night at 'Roo, which was Father's Day anyway and always a depressing one for me.  Its easy to see how Mollie, or any drug that is all happy with no crash, can be insidious-alcohol at least has the advantage of being a toxin, telling you when you've gone too far, but all Mollie does is make you kind of thirsty and you can go up-up-up and on-on-on as long as you like. Fortunately I have no real urge to do Miss Mollie again-the only tangible benefit of it on my end was a temporary reprieve on my awkwardness, and I can get that from Jack Daniels.

Good night, scumfucketeers.  I'll discuss some of the other 'Roo drugs, and the cultures surroudning them, in tomorrow's entry.

Lessons Learned: Vacation

#1: Melon balls are delicious, even with tangerine pulp.
#2: Melon balls are dangerous.  You can't even taste the alcohol.
#3: There is some debate over using Red Dragon Inn as a drinking game.  Apparently demanding that players chug Salt Water when they draw the Troll Swill drink card is "an excessive vomit risk."
#4: Talking down the guy who is tweaking in the hot tub and thrashing about like a harpooned whale is a communal effort-no one can stand to do it for more than a few hours.
#5: Damage to the orifices is cumulative.
#6: Depending on your rum and coke level, a guacamole and steak sandwich on potato bread is quite delicious.
#8: Stoned Hippie vs. Tweaking Marine in an impromptu wrestling match ends exactly how you expect it to. Even if the hippie gets surprise.  But the hippie is the only one that gets any sleep that day.
#9: Being snowed in is a blessing and a curse, but the curse part mostly manifests to the single guys (and my lovely wife) mildly put out by a general lack of pussy. Still, if we'd have been inviting people. the famously picturesque hills of Brown county would be littered with frozen sexy corpses.
#10: If you think you are going to get any blogging, roleplaying, book editing or work on your Pathfinder game done, you are out of your fucking mind.

Hey, I haven't blogged about cartoons lately...

You know why the Aqua Teen Hunger Force movie was panned so bad by fans of the show?  It isn't necessarily because Aqua Teen Hunger Force fans are a bunch of douchebag hipsters.  Mostly, it was because Mastodon appeared at the beginning, blew everyone's face away, and then did not appear in the rest of the film.  They set the bar too high in the first minutes and then gave you what was basically a long episode of the show.  

That whole movie should have been about Snack Food Mastodon showing up in places from the show and ruining everyone's shit.  The main cast shouldn't even have been in it until the very end, whereupon Snack Food Mastodon ruins their shit and closes out the movie with another song.  THAT would have been a movie to remember.  Instead we all sat in the theatre with our buzz slowly wearing off going "Man...should have gotten the DVD so we could get high again."  

It isn't too late, Adult Swim.  Snack Food Mastodon: The Series would do pretty well.  Why?  Because there is nothing more awesome than Mastodon.

Kind of Femslash Friday: Whiskey Tango Foxtrot Edition

Sometimes, you find a fan fiction that is either beautifully awful or brilliant troll.  This particular fic is an example of one or the other. It's called Rand Loves WEEEEEEEEEEEEED and it is exactly what it says on the tin, with bonus lesbian action.

 Here is the first chapter...and yes, there's more than one.

Rand loves weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeed So I was like walking and talking to my voices when I saw it. The most beautiful bong EVER. I piked it up lit it and puffed on it till I couldn't fucking breathe.  Oh then I puffed some more the things going through my mind were insane so natrually I acted upon my emotions. My first genious idea was to puff a little more then I had another idea. I would conquer TEAR no wait I already did that.Then I thought oh I know I will go lead the aiel out of the waste. no done that. eventually I had no more thoughts so I puffed some more here were wy thoughts FUCK YEAH SMOKE SMOKE SMOKE SMOKE. then I thought of something I had never done before I would throw eggs at Moraine and get into a battle of the Power (we do those a lot) "Oh Moraine come out to play Moraine come out to play Moraine come out to play ." I shouted at her house. "What Rand "I"'m trying to fuck in here!!" she shouted back without a comeback I trew an egg at her.It pissed her off so she cast lightning on me then I cast a ball of fire. She hates it when I do that. But then a thought accured to me. "Moraine who are you fucking in there?" I asked. I was really disturbed when Ahvienda said "Hey sugar. Moraine come finish licking my pussy"I had no way to answer but "Holy shit Moraine and Ahvienda are fucking!" The factor that realy disturbed me is when Mat stood up and said "Is someone gonna finish sucking me off"Just then I realized that Moraine and Ahvienda are both BI. "One minute Matty and we can finish this fuck fest." Next thing I knew I was naked tied to a wooden bed next to Mat with both women carrying whips."AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH"TO BE CONTINUED

I...really have no words. Just go here.

The One Opinion No One Demanded

Ya'll have been waiting on the edge of your seats for my commentary on the Presidential debates, right?  Sit down and and be electrified.

Please smoke a bowl first; I'm much funnier then.

Not that Romney is any friend of mine, but man, I enjoyed hearing the squeals of the Cult of O on NPR after he was crucified on live TV last night, even with the moderator obviously biased towards the left side of the aisle.  I guess I'm just a natural apostate; I like seeing wannabe utopians face the fact that their brazen idol sucks, all swagger and no rain.

Fundamentally, the reptiles of the GOP old guard are proving what they based their entire decision on: that their boy can beat Obama.  I am convinced of this now, where perhaps I wasn't before given the cult of worship surrounding the big O.  What I am not convinced of is that a Mittens presidency will even put the tiniest speedbump in this careening train to fascist utopia.  Mitt is a Statist and will propose Statist solutions to Statist problems.  That would be the fucking problem right there, and MA is a damn fine example of it. 

Maybe, MAYBE he can hold to the party line on gun rights, which is in itself not enough-I want someone dismantling this asinine surfeit of bizarre restrictions on personal weaponry, not murmuring weakly about "Enforcing current laws."  I want a much better cut of bleeding meat on Gunwalker.  I want GCA & NFA to be a curious relic in history books.  I want fucking Constitutional Carry.  "Supporting Gun Rights" is not "Keeping Things the Exact Same Way They Are."  That alone would reassure me that Individual Liberty and not Heffalump-flavored-tyranny is  the agenda, because it would be ceding a certain tactical advantage to FREEFOR in the form of better access to the really nasty killer toys.  That is, of course, why they will never do it.

Don't tell me about how your boy can beat Obama-that man is an empty suit, a bobble headed media face supported by the most expensive propaganda machine in human history.  And Mittens, for all his faults, has swum in the shark filled waters of political intrigue for a long time and never been eaten.  Sure he can beat Obama.  What you need to convince me of is what advantage we gain by having him in the God-Emperor chair, especially considering the stupid staggering percentage of "Patriots" who will STAND DOWN IMMEDIATELY if that happens.

In the end, the question of Social Justice vs. Individual Freedom will be settled, and not in a debate hall.  You know what I should be doing instead of scrawling this nonsense?  Fucking PT.

Good night, America.

Emergency State of the Drug Culture Address

Once again from my pulpit as God Emperor of Freaks, Faggots, Drunks and Junkies, I am forced to come to the podium to talk about an issue that is still, despite my rants on the subject, quite frankly killing us all.

First off: E Tu, Kumar?

Every fucking time.  I get this shit every fucking time.

The guy makes his fortune off of stoners.  They(we) get baked enough that his shitty movies are funny and give him their money.  And the guy lies to cover for the Big O, saying and I quote:

"But what the president has done is take a really smart look at the Department of Justice and said, given the fact that the federal government has limited resources, we should be allocating them toward violent criminals and not towards non-violent criminals."

Either you are lying or completely retarded, Penn.  The memo stoners like to tout about MM facility raids has already been tossed to the wayside like a used rubber-I mean why actually stick with the policy when you can tout the one memo through the whole election cycle-and Obama has ordered more medical Marijuana raids per year than W did.  Which is it?  Shill or moron?  I suppose they aren't mutually exclusive.

Oh, and the people that pay your bills by buying your shit are being murdered and imprisoned, BTW.  No big deal, right?  I mean as long as you can claim deferred status on the DREAM act, an endless cycle of incarceration and murder to fight the devil weed is no big deal.  I mean, its just weed, guys, it isn't the most important thing.  LOL stoners.  So stupid and predictable.

Oh, and you know what other promise your boy Obama has broken?  You know that horrible place where terrorists and funny looking American citizens are sexually abused by racist homophobic rednecks, as you so brilliantly portray here?



Yeah, still open by the way.  But nothing about this whole scenario screams hypocrite, eh?

Fuck you, Penn, and all your D list celebrity pals.  I hope they outlaw Botox next.

Stoners, Vote Gary Johnson or Get The Fuck Out of the Way.

Nothing to see here folks

No Joint Sweeter Than The Disneyworld Joint

Just got my ass back from vacation in Florida.  I did miss a chance to meet Miss Erin Palette due to my own foolishness and inebriation, but other than that it more or less without a hitch.

Anyway, today's sordid tale is how I went about getting high in Disney World.

There are smoking areas all over the park but there are less than there used to be; I had to struggle to find one.  The process began the previous day when I rolled myself up a slick secret agent using a marlboro and a couple of Marleys.  I slit it up the middle and filled it with a bit of Indiana's Finest, repaired it with a couple of papers, capped it at the end with a little tobacco, and hollowed out the filter with the tip of a knife to let the smoke flow through.  It looked exactly like a cigarette, but that didn't assuage my paranoia enough so I ended up hiding the thing in my wizard's hat-because no one ever searches your mouse ear wizard's hat.

Anyway, I got through the security check without a hitch and went through most of the morning without smoking while I reconnoitered.  In the end, the place was at max capacity that day so all of the smoking areas were full of motherfuckers and I had almost given up by the time I found a place.  It was a spot along the dock right at the edge of Frontierland, where you could watch the steamboats go by.  It used to be a marked smoking area on my last trip, but no more-however, that didn't stop the wrinkled old Indochinese dude that was puffing away on a Camel down there with nobody saying a goddamn thing to him.  Most importantly, the heat kept everyone else in the shade a little ways away so it was basically me and this old dude, and I leaned up on the rail next to him and sparked up.

That ol' boy knew what was up; his nostrils flared and he looked over to give me this big freaking grin and had absolutely no front teeth, like pink gumline all the way from eye to eye.  I couldn't help it; I busted out chuckling and offered him a hit, but he declined.  And we both sat there on a dock below the tourists smoking in a non smoking area, him with his unfiltered camel and me with my joint sweltering on the bottom dock and nobody even looked at us.

There isn't a point to this, if you are looking for one-except that not even the might of Disney security is impenetrable.  I managed to be pretty stoned for the Philharmagic, which was kind of intense; 3D is much more believable when you are high as fuck.  And it was nice getting to put my arm around all those princesses-demurely above the waist, of course.  Also, it makes the subpar food a lot more tolerable.

Next time, I'm eating some mushrooms.

Ciao bitches.

Self Improvement Plan

I've found myself in a deeper-than-usual funk lately.

My work load has increased substantially due to a deficit in staff and I get one day off on a good week.  And the actual work stress is getting worse due to a truly staggering level of micromanagement that is coming down the pipes.  That shit don't help, but it isn't the cause.

No, the cause is that I feel like I'm just stagnating.  Preps aren't moving forward fast enough and my workouts have stalled and I haven't been making any progress on either the book or my online story and god knows that I haven't had two mouths on my cock in too long...it just feels like all of my goals are in limbo, and I fucking hate that.

So I've created a list of self improvement plans to implement over the next month.

#1: Stop smoking weed during the day.  Amanda does this and it seems to help her productivity; I'm going to cut my smoking down to early mornings when I get off work and nights after Gracie goes to bed.
#2: Go to bed earlier in the morning.  Working graveyards, you sometimes end up sleeping catchascatch can but I need to start getting up earlier so I'm going to try to go to bed right after work whenever possible.
#3: Schedule workouts around karate classes; go running if I'm not going to class.  This means evening running and definitely requires number 2 or else I'll never get enough sleep.  Morning runs are fun, but there are too many days where work is stressful and I just need to chill and get high.
#4: Reserve my spot in the rifle class and try to do plenty of shooting beforehand, particularly with pistol.  The rifle class requires some basic pistol work and even though I suck, I need to at least be able to put rounds on paper reliably to get the most out of the class I want.
#5: Eat dinner with my family every night.  If I start getting up earlier, I can help Amanda with dinner and make sure to get some time with them every day.  I think this will start improving my mood and physical health as much as anything else on the list; half the time I'm eating maybe one meal a day and that meal tends to be sugary\fatty crap because it's all I know how to cook.  I think family dinner would be a good start for us, no matter how hard it is to rationalize with my graveyard shift sleep schedule.
#6: Help my lovely wife with her new dehydration business (She has an excalibur on order and an endless supply of free produce) to bring in additional income for more preps, as well as for creating our own field rations.  Kick food storage into high gear.
#7: Meet some new people for fuck's sake.  I swear, being antisocial is the worst impediment ever if you are Unicorn Hunting.  I'd like for the two of us to go out for that very purpose once a month at least; I think that even making the effort together is both a sexual turn on and a balm for my troubled spirit.  One of the things I miss about the time before we had a kid was going out girl watching all the time-and this is the town for it man, let me tell ya.

Anyway, I need to get out of this funk and start moving forward.  I suppose it really is rather stupid of me to try to bring order to this universe when I don't even have my own shit in order.  And yeah, I know most of you are not here for my personal drama, you just want to hear me say fuck a lot.  So feel free to stick around for next time-I'll be sure to come up with something extra disturbing just for you.  You depraved bastard.

State of the Drug Culture Address 2012

A lot of time I see drug law reform tossed aside as a "Minor" issue, a "fringe" issue that no one sensible cares about. From the content of this blog, you probably assume that I think it is not a minor issue, and you are motherfucking correct; violent coercion in the name of public health is not a minor issue. But we, the drug using cultures of America, are partially responsible for this attitude because we are the ones who are voting to put a goddamn rope around our own necks.

I concur that it isn't as important as a sound economy, which no one is giving us, and full respect to individual civil liberties, which no one is giving us, or even a secure border, which no one is giving us. But folks, we have fucked ourselves over in the drug culture in several ways. I'll be listing those ways now and telling you what I think some mitigating steps might be.

1) Framing the issue as "Marijuana Legalization" - Folks, the Reefer is my drug of choice too. It is healthier, safer, more fun and more convenient than any other drug. It is a sacred herb for the Healing of the I, a gift from God Almighty to keep Chris By-The-Throat from killing a man a day. But by framing the issue as marijuana legalization only, we are shooting outselves in the foot. Fact is, bad side effects or the lack thereof is not a valid reason to cede control of our dietary intake to a government body. If the effects are predictable, the drug should be on the open market. The choice is yours, not some politician's, but we have shown ourselves willing to cede that choice to them if they'll just let us have our reefer.
WHAT YOU CAN DO TO HELP: Stop making it about reefer and make it about your sovreign rights as a human. Don't compromise. Don't be content with scraps. Don't even frame the issue as relating to drugs-make it about cyberware.

2) Pretending that drug kingpins are heroes - Look, folks, I admire Tony Montana as much as any wannabe rebel fratboy, or maybe less, but we need to stop acting like these men are our friends. They pour shitloads of money into keeping the product illegal to protect their profit margin, and we act like these assholes are robin hood whenever they buy a local family a turkey for Thanksgiving. These are dangerous, ruthless men, and WHEN drug law reform happens, they are going to cause big trouble for us, of the buckets of gore variety.
WHAT YOU CAN DO TO HELP: Grow\cook your own and get ready for war, because these men will make war on you to keep you in their power.

3) Refusing to support the candidate that promises to enact drug law reform due to ideological purity - Right now, this means Ron Paul in the mainstream political arena. You'd be amazed at how many people on various Weed Legalization forums hiss like wet cats when they see an R after someone's name by instinct, and then when you call them on it, they go 'Pffft, if weed was the only thing that mattered.' You stupid motherfucker, weed doesn't matter, but an endless cycle of incarceration and murder to fight the devil weed does matter. It matters a lot, and in case you haven't noticed, our people are being killed.
WHAT YOU CAN DO TO HELP: Swallow your 'Republicans are t3h icky' bias and vote for the candidates that will enact reform. Pick your nits carefully when it comes to what you won't support; remember that the President cannot declare all the things that you hate to be law by kingly decree.

4) Accepting the legitimacy of ill conceived laws - The most maddening thing about drug law in this country is how easy it makes you submit. I mean, first offenses for weed are usually slaps on the wrist if you happen to be white and middle class, so there is no reason to kick up a fuss, no reason to make yourself appear dangerous-just assume the position, ride in the squad car, post your bail and go home. Of course, they can kill you at any time, the threat of murder is always present, but it just feels so formalized, so like a ritual song and dance number, that you don't even have a chance to react when they decide to Jose Guerena your ass into a pulverized sack of lead and bone chips. I'm not saying 'fuck the police comin' straight from the underground' but this law abiding citizen schtick has gotten us nowhere.
WHAT YOU CAN DO TO HELP: Google 'Jury Nullification' and while you are at it, start getting all militant and scary. There is no reason to legitimize the abuses our people are suffering. They should live in fear, not us.

5) Staying at home on the couch - You know who you are, you slack ass stoner. We can't expect the heroin users to get up and do anything, but our substance isn't nearly as crippling and we need to be OUT THERE, KICKING UP A FUSS. Too many of us are afraid to step up, afraid to go to the marches, afraid to go to the protests, maybe because we don't want to lose our jobs, maybe because we don't want to get on the watch list. Fuck that. Get loud. You can't hardly meet a person who thinks drug laws are perfect the way they are yet somehow we are the marginalized minority who gets murdered at will. This is not acceptable.
WHAT YOU CAN DO TO HELP: Set your alarm and go to the protests. Network. Organize. Resist.

6) Focusing on the national level - The sytem is much more malleable at the local level. Letter writing and petitions are much more relevant to the local lawmaker, and of course the local lawmaker is a much softer target for assassination, so these folks will listen to you much more attentively than anyone in Washington. Use that. If you can't go to the national march, go to the local march. If you can't make the local march on time, network and create a new one. The individual has greater power the further down the bureacratic pyramid you go, and if the states have the sack to stick with their 10th amendment related legislation, you may have a fighting chance to avoid persecution.
WHAT YOU CAN DO TO HELP: Write letters, sing kumbayah, all that good shit-but think globally and act locally. Go in for face to face meetings with your state legislature. A libertarian president would be nice, but a libertarian mayor and county sheriff can do a lot to make your life easier.

Remember, Mr and Mrs American Drug User, no other minority group in the country faces institutionalized prosectuion and murder, yet somehow our complaints are whining and our visions are pipe dreams. Our parents and grandparents allowed these rights to circle the drain along with a lot of other rights, but this might be the year we can take them back.

The forces against us are many. The current administration has made it clear that the cartels are necessary, even to the point of arming them and has thus made it clear that legalization is not on the table. The cartels have unlimited money and plenty of politicians in their pockets whose minds won't change no matter how good our arguments are. The vast majority of police view us as spoiled, entitled children whining for a pacifier while they shoot us in the face. And the greater public pays no attention to our murders when they do happen, or chalk it up as inconsequential and to be expected.

Those forces are many, but they are not infinite. We have a lot of work to do-but what alternative do we have?

Good luck, everyone, and Jah blessings.

Live From Some Stoner's Couch: Iowa Caucus Coverage.

8:28pm - Just got Gracie to bed. Anyone know any good Caucus Drinking Games? Maybe take a drink every time someone goes ZOMG RASCIST and finish your beer whenever some ponce calls Ron Paul unelectable.

8:30pm - Fox News coverage is set up on the feed in theory. Must fix computer. Bong rips not helping. This r srus stuff d00dz. Ah, there we go. Aw. Newt Gingrich's face just killed my boner. I feel just like Slick Willy.

8:41pm - Roomate dispatched for rolling papers and chaser. This god awful boring shit should get more interesting soon.

8:44pm - 1% Reporting and people are already talking shit like we know anything at this stage

8:50pm - One of the fat fuck pundits just bet donuts; you know he was sure .

8:54pm - Although I have no idea what they are basing this off of, one of the pundits just said "Well, Bachman is out" and I still thought "Oh Thank God."

8:59pm - Am I stoned or did one of these guys just bet a factory?

9:09pm - I truly do not care about "The Results of President Obama's Live Chat"

9:24pm - Gracie just woke up and needed to be put back to bed. What did I miss? Oh wait, 18% reporting. What the fuck have they been talking about this whole time? Oh wait-nothing.

9:34pm - Mmmm. Budweiser.

9:35pm - This red banner that says "Follow Fox News on Twitter" has been on the screen the entire time. Look man, if I haven't started following your twitter by now, it just isn't in the cards. Take it off for fuck's sake.

9:37pm - I was really hoping to go the whole night without the mention of Sarah Palin. Least said, soonest mended.

9:47pm - Honestly the commercial break in the online feed-generic jazz over the logo-was a like a nice cool breeze. Maybe I should watch the screen saver for awhile instead.

9:58pm - Amanda gets home soon. I think I'll have lost interest by then. Maybe I should watch How I Met Your Mother.

Faux Weed & Digital Cigarettes

Welcome WRSA vagabonds. (Ninja Edit: And Tam's readers as well) r I hope you'll enjoy your little stay here in the dark soiled basement of the internet. Please ignore the screaming and pleading for mercy; it goes away around lunchtime.

So I've been trying that fake weed shit more. There are two varieties I've been trying, one called "Mad Hatter" and one called "Baked Goods" both of which are available at gas stations and headshops near you. The cost is reasonable-20 bucks for about 3 grams, a bit shy of an eighth but legal at least. I don't plan on giving up real weed but Amanda might have to for a job. Honestly, it is also much safer to travel with, but make sure you have a piece just for the fake weed because otherwise they can still bust you for the resin.

Let me tell you my number one complaint first off-I am NOT wild about all the fucking stems in my fake weed. Seriously folks, you can't get away with that in a legal product. Imagine picking up a beer and then running it through a filter to get all the straw out of it-you wouldn't buy that fucking beer would you? But the fake weed companies get away with it because, hey, what are you gonna do about it? And the answer is, of course, bend over and take it up the tailpipe.

Anyway, beyond that-the shit gets you high. The Baked Goods is milder, with a longer lasting effect. It is also the better tasting of the two, being almost like the real deal. The Mad Hatter is stronger and has a shorter effect-you'll be stoned to the bone for about 45 minutes and completely sober within an hour and a half.

Both have their purpose but the Mad Hatter can get you real fucked up if you aren't careful. There is a stimulant agent of some kind and a couple of the crew were telling me it made their heart race and their vision blur. I never get that but I have a stupid crazy tolerance for stimulants. (This isn't bragging-it is an attribute that almost killed me.) The Baked Goods variety is more mellow but neither of them drags you down; you don't get dopey and tired, just dopey. That has a lot of advantages to a Stoner-Parent-On-The-Go. I especially like the short run time of the Mad Hatter-I can be good and stoned for awhile and still function in a short, predictable time period.

The other "drug substitute" I've been trying is an E Cigaratte. Gotta reduce that pack a day analog cigarette consumption-it was getting expensive. Indeed, perhaps the number one item in the plus column for these bad boys is the cost effect-once you pay the startup cost for the electronics, a carton's worth of E cig liquid only runs you about six bucks if you shop smart. The other big plus is that you can smoke anywhere-you can sit in the fucking courthouse and puff on that bad boy. I like that; its like a glowy middle finger.

Honestly, sensation wise, it feels only a little different from a real cigarette. The water vapor is a little heavier than smoke and you can feel that for sure. I use the menthol liquid and I like it-it is a real strong menthol and I like that in general. But they have a crazy variety of flavors and me and Amanda are gonna try some of the more exotic ones soon. I'm particularly excited about the Green Apple. Aesthetically I also like these things; the cigarette glow is a part of the experience I would have missed, and since the tip of the e cigarette glows in a variety of cool colors, you don't lose out on that. It curbs the nicotine craving and gives me something to do with my hands when I'm nervous, and I never have to worry about finding a lighter. I'm gonna wait until I completely give up analog cigarettes (I still smoke two or three a day) to render a final verdict, but the initial prognosis is good.

So there you have it, America-in case the burning question in your mind today was "What is the latest update in Chris By-The-Throat's various substance abuses?" There you have it, motherfucker.

The Stoner's Guide to Project Gunwalker

This is an article in two parts. The first part will explain what Gunwalker actually is. If you are already familiar with Operation Fast and Furious (The government name for Gunwalker) then you can skip ahead to part two, where I explain why you, the average American Cannabis smoker, should give a shit about this issue.

Part One

Project Fast and Furious is an operation supposedly designed to curb arms trafficking by Mexican drug cartels by, uh, giving them a bunch of weapons. It was executed by agents of the Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco & Firearms without the knowledge or consent of the Mexican government. The scandal was broken by pro gun blogger Mike Vanderboegh after Border Patrol Agent Brian Terry was killed with what many now believe to be a BATFE smuggled AR patterned semi automatic rifle. The amount of weapons smuggled has not been released by any official source, but is estimated in the hundreds.

That Gunwalking occurred is not in question; the only question seems to be who authorized it and how high up the authorization goes. Acting director of BATFE Kenneth Melson looks like he is going to take the fall for sure, but leaked internal memos and testimony of ATF agents are showing that DoJ is at the very least obstructing justice during the ongoing investigation by Sen. Chuck Grassley and Rep. Darrell Issa. Federal “Catch Me Fuck Me” is going on at the highest levels in DoJ to determine whose career ending buck this particular scandal stops with, but it is not impossible that Attorney General Eric Holder, a long time gun control proponent and all around rat fuck bastard, has his stinking fingers all over it. Holder has repeatedly denied any knowledge of gunwalker. Suspicions have been cast on other law enforcement agencies as well, most notably DEA and FBI, and it is becoming clear that operations occurred in multiple states around the same time.

Perhaps the most damning evidence about Gunwalker is the way media is handling it; every major news outlet except CBS has blackballed it, even while repeating debunked statistics about American guns fueling Mexican cartel wars.
For more information about Project Gunwalker, check out the National Gun Rights Examiner timeline in five parts

Part Two

Okay, so now that you are up to speed, Mr. and Mrs. American Stoner, why should you give a shit in this latest war crime in the War on Drugs? You already know the Mexican cartels will wither away with decriminalization of the most popular drugs, you already know that a corrupt government is killing you in the name of public health with no knock assassinations, and you probably even know that violence on both sides of the border is becoming more commonplace. You certainly know that the War on Drugs has been the greatest threat to our civil liberties in the history of this nation. Why does this particular bit of news matter to you?

Because it means that the current administration has no plans to repeal drug prohibition any time soon. They have proven too useful as a source of manufactured crises to be discarded. The cartels make for a wonderful bogeyman; even the most hardcore decrim advocate gets a little squeamish when talking about the ruthless bastards that make up the Sinola and Zeta power structure. These men have multibillion dollar operating budgets and no respect for your life or mine. Anyone who opposes an operation to take down these cartels is automatically an enemy of the state, right? And if that comes at the price of a few more restrictive measures on your liberty, well, isn’t that the price of safety?

There is only one turd in this punchbowl-“Gunwalker” had little to no chance of bringing down any cartels. They released these guns into the wild with no means to trace them beyond the first ATF supervised-and-stamped transfers in the gun stores utilized by the operation. Beyond that? We have no idea where these weapons are, how many of them there are, until they turn up at crime scenes and are sent to the ATF for tracing.

There is a growing nucleus of American gun owners who believe this is a Reischtag fire-a manufactured crisis to get Americans to accept new regulations on gun ownership. I am a gunnie, and I have my concerns in this direction, but I have not bought into it just yet-I’m waiting for a special investigation before I decide, though the circumstantial evidence (gun control under the radar, anyone?) is pretting damning.

Still, I know I am speaking to a larger audience than my usual pack of gun blog scumfucks, so I want to get away from the gun side of the issue and talk about something else, something all the other gun bloggers are not concerned with but that I am. Assuming this latest farce of drug policy enforcement was a botched scheme to impugn American gun owners, what does that mean to American stoners who could give a shit about gun policy?

For this lie to be perpetuated and generate enough fear to actually impact American gun laws, the cartels must continue to exist. Even assuming they aren’t in bed with American politicians the way they are with Mexican politicians (a hell of an assumption, if you ask me) the cartels have a vested financial interest in keeping drug prohibition the standard policy for the richest and most drug consuming nation there is. And the fact that they are possibly being used as a lever to pry a couple of amendments from the Bill of Rights means that the State needs them as well. We are looking at an unprecedented level of parasitic ass kissing from two organizations proven perfectly willing to murder innocent drug users in their beds.

Folks, above ground legalization will become a pipe dream if Gunwalker goes unpunished and unnoticed in mainstream society. The government gets more power (what it wants) and the cartels get more money (what they want) and we get fucked.

If you ever want to see an end to the drug war, then stop letting the government use it as an excuse to do whatever the hell it wants. They say Gunwalker is merely a gun issue, and indeed, the only people who seem to care about it are all pro gun bloggers like Mr. Vanderboegh. But this is not a gun issue; this is just the latest shot in a war that We the People are still losing. If this special forces, preemptive strike, fuck yo civil rights shit becomes SOP, if the gloves truly come off the leviathan…then there will be no above ground chance at drug policy reform. The State, and the media mouthpieces who serve the State, need to be told loud and clear that they can’t get away with these kinds of dirty tricks anymore.

If not, well, welcome to Dystopia, motherfucker. Check your fuckin’ civil rights at the door.

So, what do we do for now? Well, I’m waiting for the investigation to go forward, but a little pressure would not go amiss here. Call your Congresscritter and demand shit. Wave signs, write letters, sing kumbaya, whatever it is that you do to protest unjust policy. Link this article in other stoner forums and facebook groups; you have my permission to reprint it in full for protest purposes. Kick up a goddamned fuss. As long as this scandal is ignored by a starry eyed apologist media, the State can proceed with confidence even if it has to throw the wolves some bleeding meat. They must be aware that their actions have consequences.

Even Unintended Consequences.

Members of the Criminal & Corrections Subcommittee

These are the people you need to contact on SB192/SR70.

Sen. John Waterman (R, 39th District) - Chairman
Sen. Richard Bray (R, 37th District)
Sen. Susan Glick (R, 17th District)
Sen. Jim Tomes (R, 49th District)
Sen. Lindel Hume (D, 48th District)
Sen. Greg Taylor (D, 33rd District)

It is most effective to contact a state senator if you live in his or her district-they are small fish and they want your vote. We need to be up these people's asses like a proctologist.

Just in case you think this is going to be an easy battle, note that on Waterman's press page that they aren't even done banning stuff yet. You know, I've never tried salvia. And that faux weed stuff doesn't get me even a little high, but it does kind of act as a force multiplier when I smoke real weed.

SB192 & You: What It Is, and Why It Barely Matters

Hoosier stoners universally applauded the passing of SB 192 in the state legislature, at least judging by the response on the various facebook groups. But there seem to be some misconceptions about what the bill actually is, which is damn near nothing. Let's check out the actual text of the bill.

ECTION 1. [EFFECTIVE JULY 1, 2011] (a) In the 2011 legislative interim, the criminal law and sentencing policy study committee established by IC 2-5.5-5-1 shall study and make recommendations regarding the following issues:
(1) Marijuana and its effect on the Indiana criminal justice system.
(2) Whether the possession and use of marijuana should continue to be illegal in Indiana and, if so, which penalties and amounts pertaining to marijuana possession and use are appropriate.
(3) Whether a program for medical marijuana should be implemented in Indiana and, if so, under what parameters.
(4) Whether marijuana should be treated and controlled like alcohol, with controlled and regulated sales, and special taxation.
(5) Any other issue related to marijuana.
(b) This SECTION expires January 1, 2012.
All of these things sound good, but the fundamental thrust is an academic one-this is a study, not a binding legal agreement. All this bill really contains is a promise that they will finally talk about the issue-eventually.

That's fucking peanuts, people, and probably a delaying tactic as well. I want you to notice two things about this bill, one obvious, one less so.

The first, obvious problem is that this is not an actual promise to enact legislation based on anything the study discovers. Even if an airtight, peer reviewed study proves that legalizing dope will clear up the deficit, bring half a million jobs to the state, send everyone's kids to college, and cause the skies to open up and rain down gold ingots and blowjobs, they have no obligation to enact anything and the idea will die in the gutter with no fanfare. This is not a victory; our enemy has barely blinked, and hopefully we can exploit it, but to trumpet this as a victory is pure masturbation.

The less obvious problem is the study itself. We have no guiding parameters to show how it will be conducted, under what conditions, and perhaps most importantly what the criteria for recommending public policy will be. I notice that there is no money being allotted for the research, though I'm sure the Senate Corrections & Criminal Subcommittee has an operating budget. One bored intern xeroxing academic journals and highlighting the relevant parts for legislators that will never read it may satisfy the requirements of this bill.

What does that mean to us, the Hoosier smokers, who want to see real policy change on this issue? It means the fucking legwork falls to us, and lets face it, we are notoriously bad at it. We aren't too bad at singing kumbaya in the park, and we can click "like" on a facebook page with the best of 'em, but this is going to require real work and some of you goddamn poseurs are not going to do it. That's fine, I can't make you work-but fuck you.

Enough ranting. Let's get to work. What do we need to do?

SEXY MAGIC SCUMFUCK ACTION ITEMS (Mk 1)

1. Forward relevant studies (peer reviewed please, not the latest issue of High Times) to all of the senators on the committee. You will find a list on the link above.
2. Keep this study in the public mind as much as you can. Write letters to the editor, hold rallies, wave signs, do all that typical grassroots shit. Get some press. Modern America is often defined by those who shout the loudest, and we need to keep this in the papers if we want any chance of actual policy changes. They gave us this crumb and they expect us to shut up now, like we always have before-but they need to be wrong, and if they aren't, we're fucked.
3. Keep on top of your local pro pot organizations. They have access to resources that you don't and rarely get killed in no knock police raids, so they are a good, reliable bet to keep the fire burning. Remember, though, that these are the same people who have been singing kumbaya for years with only crumbs to show for it. You need to be in active correspondence with them and help where you can, with your money or your time.
4. Organize on your own, at the local level. All those people you smoke weed with that aren't doing anything but applauding like retard monkeys? Yeah, those people are part of the problem. Get 'em off the couch and moving.
5. Follow this blog for updates and more sexy action plans. (What? You didn't think this was all altruism did you?) In the coming weeks I will have a few suggestions for the studies we can forward to committee members.

A Rectum Full of Justice

Las Vegas DA resigns after crack bust

Before thou remove the mote from thy neighbors eye, attend the beam in thine own, fuckwit.

How many of my people did you put in jail? How many citizens who want nothing more than what you want-to be left in peace and all fucked up on drugs? I bet you start dropping the same excuses they did when the hammer comes down-"I done been molested as a little kid, my daddy runned off, my job is very stressful." Hmm, that all sounds a bit familiar, doesn't it? Yet here you are, Deputy DA Fuckwit, and you better do some impressive soft shoein' if you want to avoid getting locked up with all those folks you hustled through the system.

There is a special place in hell for hypocrites. And a special place in prison for pigs. Thinking on it, I bet the two are more similar than you think.

a/k/a Chris By-The-Throat

So I watched a/k/a Tommy Chong today, a documentary about Chong's 2004 Drug Paraphernalia case in which some up and coming neocon star federal attorney decided to grill him for selling "water pipes" from his online store. According to the documentary, they spent $12 million bucks and used 2000 active duty law enforcement officers to do this (Well, they prosecuted a little over 50 other cases) in an attempt to crack down on those who sell drug paraphernalia-they consider it a secondary profit on the drug war.

In any case, because I'm a good helpful citizen, and I am happy to help the Feds bankrupt themselves, I have a list of other companies that you pig jackoffs might want to prosecute, as they are obviously drug paraphernalia sellers as well.

American Produce Distributors - Friendly fruit company, or drug enablers? This video may help explain.



What about Zig Zag? Or Randy's? Both are the rolling papers of choice for many stoners. Hey, what about Pepsi co? You can make a damn fine gravity bong out of an empty two liter. Shit, I could go all day. What about reynolds wrap? With enough tinfoil you can turn damn near anything into a bong-you can make a removable slide bowl and stick it in a fucking rubber duck.



Hell, what about the motherfuckers who sell cheap tire gauges and brillo pads aka EVERY GAS STATION EVER? I'm pretty sure every crime committed by crackheads can be blamed on those who make ersatz crack pipes available to a public who cannot be trusted with the awesome responsibility of a glass water pipe.

Or here is an idea-how about you miserable jackbooted fucks shut your bleeding cunt mouths and leave decent people alone? Man, wouldn't that be great? You'd have 12 million dollars more to waterboard brown people with and I can sit on my porch smoking a 'water pipe' and we can both pretend that the other person doesn't exist.

A Few Points

So Pat Robertson says to stop locking up potheads, and Joe Biden says STFU NOOB UR GAY AND ITS A GATEWAY DRUG or something like that, and somehow this is all news. Anyway, I just want to drop a couple of salient points in this debate.

#1 Joe Biden is either an idiot, or is secretly a man shaped tape recorder filled with soundbites from 80's animated PSAs. When Sarah "John & Kate plus State" Palin is ahead of you in the curve on a social issue most Americans agree on, you have fallen far, far, far from the tree of wisdom.

#2 When Chris By-The-Throat, self proclaimed God-Emperor of New Sodom, and Pat Robertson, some old witch burner from like the 1700's, agree on something, that is a pretty good indication that support for the issue is across the board.

#3 The Government is still perpetuating murder to prevent lung cancer, in some post-Lovecraftian\Ouroborus mind bending twist of logic.

#4 Now that the Democrats are in office, they are the authority, and act as such-that is to say, to protect their interests in pharmaceuticals and corporate prisons. Nothing has Changed except for my ulcer. The Big O himself laughed off legalization as a strategy; yet idealistic liberal potheads were short stroking himself into a frenzy because Holder ordered a halt on Medical Marijuana facility raids The time has come to stop deluding yourselves that this is anything but a repackaged version of the same bullshit. The State is propelled by inertia; just hope it doesn't go through your house on the way out.

The Teapot Party: The Call to Arms

First, if you will forgive me a shameless plug.

Willie Nelson's National Teapot Party

Indiana Teapot Party

I would like to address my fellow stoners in particular, because this issue is so dear to our hearts. I have some fundamental truths to spill here, and some of you are not going to like them, or me. That is O.K. But I want you to be aware of them, because We are on the same side, so no team killing please. Just listen a moment, if you will.

The Drug War is a very, very real war-and we are going to see more blood spilled before it is over, not less. The violence from our own government in the name of public health (and can anyone find the logic in that) is going to be nothing compared to the backlash from those who have staked their entire cash flow on an artificially inflated street price.

The men who profit from Drug Prohibition are dangerous, amoral criminals, and legalization alone is not going to make them go away. Rather, it is going to hurt them, badly, and in the only place they care about, their profit margin. They buy Mexican politicians with ease, and American politicians with perhaps slightly less ease. Such men do not surrender money and power easily. When we win this legal fight, and we will, there is going to be a backlash from men with nothing to lose and a literal army at their command.

Folks, there are going to be buckets of blood when this thing is done, and we need to tool the fuck up if we are going to make it stick.

Let me speak clearly here. I am talking about an armed, above ground, pro cannibis movement. I personally believe in the legalization and taxation of all substances with predictable effects to risk aware adults. But it will start with the sacred herb, and all to the good as that is my substance of choice.

The mainstream Tea Party is infamous for armed activism. As you can probably tell from the content of my blog, I am in the crazy gun nut faction. Let me share a private dream with you now. I hope you will take my message to heart.

The Republicans are making war on you. The Democrats are making war on you. And if you get them to stop murdering us all with a no knock warrant to stop you from inhaling a plant that is bad for your health, then the violence will instead come from men with no oversight committees, no pesky Bill of Rights, and no investment (or at least nominal obligation) to create a safe and civil environment.

I'm not going to blow you away with horror stories; you can find them yourself if you care to. But rest assured that we need to be ready to weather the storm, from both sides, and that means literal preparedness.

In time, I would be happy to post some basic preparedness information for the starting stoner. For now, examine such sites as Survivalblog to begin your journey.

In the end, all we drug users have had to rely on is ourselves and each other, as mainstream society will brush off our murders with a smug, knowing shake of their heads. We need to network and organize...and we need to arm ourselves and train, and make it known that our rights will be respected by all who would lie and murder for the right to trample them.

And let me tell you, you want some motherfucking press? 50, 100, 200 motherfuckers, armed to the teeth at a pro pot rally, smoking fat blunts and daring the police to arrest them.

What better place than here?
What better time than now?