Bushcraft Boogie

A marked change in the bug in / bug out philosophy is taking place at the Scumfuck household and ancillary households.

As spring, uh, sproings into our laps all dripping with bugout potential, we are planning a bushcraft focused event with minimal gear and a scoring system that enables us to calculate who passes and who fails. This is different from previous bugouts in two signifigant ways.

1) No martial aspects. We are doing our Mall Ninja shit at a different event.

2) Competition. Other bugouts have all been cooperative efforts-fun, but i don't think we learn as much that way.

We are also beginning to look at drills for bugging in. Bugging in isn't nearly as sexy, but it is the default plan most of the time because during most SHTF events we all still have to go in to work. It does me no good to be an skilled, sexy refugee with a really nice bugout bag if we have to live in a FEMA trailer with nine other families afterwards because I'm too broke to pay the rent. We have some simple procedures for lockdown but I'm going to have another look at our neighborhood soon and see what kind of low profile drills we can do. At the very least, we can figure out where to place our OPs.

I'm also going to start emphasizing cardio in my workouts. No matter how you slice it, heart disease is a greater risk than zombies and I need to start prepping accordingly.

And Amanda and I are scheduled for a SRUS rifle class in May. I'm looking forward to it; it'll be my most ninja-y class ever and I can finally start talking shit about 90% of the internet gun blogosphere for having no serious gun training. Squee. I can't wait.

Pirates of the Emerald Sea

Sorry about the lack of content, Scumfucketeers. Gracie has been on spring break so we've been spending pretty much every waking hour together. We had a lot of fun, but I'll be glad to drop her off at school on Monday.

Anyway, today we built a pirate ship. The new bed Amanda and I ordered online came in like five big cardboard boxes so we took them out to the backyard and set them up with duct tape to vaguely resemble a ship. Then I dug a small hole under the bow and jammed a few metal poles that came off the frame of the old bed into the dirt so we could fly our pirate banner.

The day was idyllic; mostly blue skies with straight off a greeting card white clouds. Once we successfully got the mast to stay in place, the "SURRENDER THE BOOTY" novelty pirate banner that had been hanging in the living room was quite picturesque. We played out there for several hours, singing jolly sea chanties and watching the trains run by and eventually just laying on our backs in the grass to watch the clouds roll by.

Other adventures this week included: Meeting a friend's new baby, trying out roller skates, spending the day with her pack, playing legos with the neighbors in the back of my truck, bugging out along the railroad tracks and chasing a mouse across the parking lot.

Parenting has it's own fairy tales, and contrary to popular belief is often a screaming, hair pulling, eyeball gouging uphill battle against the forces of chaos. But Gracie and I had a pretty good happy ever after week.

Ass to Mouth Republic: A Poem

Ass to Mouth Republic
A Poem for Interesting Times
Chris By-The-Throat 2012

A burial shroud of fog blankets my city
my red wood forests
my gulf stream waters.

Propaganda corpse dick blocks my tonsils,
gagging, choking, no daddy I'm not hungry,
silences my screaming so I can't say what it tastes like.

My hands are both broken but I clutch at the wheel.
Bitch ex wife cut my brake line,
now I'm dancing Tueller with a brick wall and I can't even clear leather.

They stomp on my enemies and I laugh while we plummet
two fat slug-bodies wrapped up in stars and stripes
careening towards the same pavement and comparing cockmeat.

Better men than me baked this apple pie
worse men than me have fucked it and shot their load
but I have to eat it anyway-free range, low carb, fair traded ass to mouth.

Left hand jerk me off, right hand fist my asshole-
now switch
everything's different, god bless democracy, goddamn this dick tastes like shi-

Last Call, Last Stand Update Feed

This is the updated feed for the Last Call, Last Stand updates. I have been posting the updates on ZS and have decided to link directly to the posts there instead of converting them all to blogger format. The sidebar link will now be directly to this post.

If you haven't checked out ZS, you should-it is a pretty good survival forum with no political or religious debates. Manages to keep the whole thing on topic a lot more.

Chapter 1: Worms Eye View
Part 1
Part 2
Part 3
Chapter 2: The Other Shoe
Part 4
Part 5
Chapter 3: All Friends & Kingdom Come
Part 6
Part 7
Part 8
Part 9
Chapter 4: 187 All Over Again
Part 10
Part 11
Part 12
Chapter 5: Hand on the Pump
Part 13
Part 14
Chapter 6: Rainbow in the Dark
Part 15
Part 16
Chapter 7: Save the Princess, Fuck the World
Part 17
Part 18
Part 19
Part 20
Chapter 8: Last Call
Part 21
Part 22
Part 23
Part 24
Chapter 9: Glazed & Confused
Part 25
Part 26
Part 27
Part 28
Part 29
Part 30
Chapter 10: Last Stand
Part 31

Part 32

Part 33

Part 34

Part 35

Epilogue

End Credits

Survival Lesson from Watership Down

"All the world will be your enemy, Prince With A Thousand Enemies, and when they catch you, they will kill you. But first, they must catch you; digger, listener, runner, Prince with the swift warning. Be cunning and full of tricks, and your people will never be destroyed."

Digger. Deep warrens, deep bunkers, buried caches, hidden tunnels. A survivalist with some property can become about half mole pretty quickly.

Listener. Talk radio, news blogs, backyard telegraph, shortwave receivers. A survivalist always has his ear to the wind for the warning that could save his life.

Runner. BOV's, BOL's, maps, contingency routes, fuel cans, route marches. A survivalist is always prepared to travel long distances at a moment's notice. If you've read Watership Down, remember that about half of that book is a desperate bugout across hostile territory. (The rest is covert warfare with combined arms against a tyrannical dictator, FYI.)

Swift Warning. Phone trees, ham radios, field telephones, code phrases, signal flares. A survivalist has multiple redundant levels of communication to spread actionable intelligence throughout the tribe.

Working on Codex Kalachnikova, America's Number One pulp novel about Conan with an AK, has refined this concept in my head, to the point where these phrases are actually religious commandments. The more I read Watership Down, the more I'm convinced that it contains lessons that we are no longer heeding. But I like to apply them to my own life, as well as my attempts at fiction, so what exactly does that make me? A bona fide subversive? Some degenerate pagan furry? Or the most pitifully brilliant genius of our flaccid, spoon fed generation?

I think I'm gonna go with the latter. I never did get the fur thing.

Suddenly, Our Hero realized...

..that there is no music on his front page.

No. This shall not be, niggas.



If you've never checked out Hopsin, you should do so-it is amazing what a rapper with an actual vocabulary can do.

The Perils of Pathfinder: Meet the PC's

Character concepts are nebulous at this point and character generation is going slow. Every time I pick up the book to work on someone's character with them I get blindsided with something that changed but I didn't account for; damned if the market is not screaming for a full feature Character Generator.

Anyway, my PC's are starting out at 4th level for most and 5th level for those who earn it via a stellar character background so they are competing to come up with backgrounds worthy of a little sumpin' sumpin' in the XP front. I thought I'd run these character backgrounds by you folks for posterity so when I talk about the campaign later it will be comprehensible instead of the usual Scumfuck adderall fueled babble. I'll edit this post and add them as I recieve them and maybe post a poll to see who T3h Internetz thinks should take the prize.

Dungeon Master's Note: The setting is generic fantasy, low magic. None of the characters have names yet but a few have gimmicks. I will refer to the player name during this post until I get character names.

1. Amanda's Character, a CG Centaur Bard. Kicked out of her tribe for her lesbian tryst with an elf trader (who was subsequently trampled to death by the tribe) she makes a living singing for her supper and doing some treasure hunting on the side.
2. Jared's Character, a CN Human Barbarian. A survivor of the massacre of his coastal village, wielding a family heirloom shield as both weapon and defense. From distant lands and therefore rather awkward but not stupid. Currently tenously paired up with Eric's rogue in a sort of Fritz Leiber kind of duo.
3. Dustin's Character, a NG Human Wizard. For some reason he rolled a really good strength score, so what we have here is your basic bodybuilding wizard with a greatmace. I haven't gotten a background from Dustin yet but just from what I know already, it's gonna be a whopper.
4. Eric's Character, a TN Half Elven Rogue. Eric always plays the sneaky character but he is kind of branching out into the swashbuckler role with this rogue, with minimal stealth abilities and lots of acrobatic type shit. No background submitted yet.
5. Lindsey's Character, a CG Half Elven Sorceress. No background or details submitted yet.
6. Alex's Character, a Human Ranger I think. No background or details submitted yet.
7. Paula's Character, a N Gnome Druid. No background submitted yet but it has come up in conversation that her animal companion is a Monty Python Rabbit.
8. Austin's Character, a CN Human Fighter. No background or details available yet.

If this seems like a large, redundant group, well, that's because it is. Attendance usually runs at about 60% for each session so we are going to have characters swapping in and out a lot. It's cool; we are all adults who have lives and jobs and drug habits and shit, so I don't make a big deal out of it and this is almost the ideal campaign for it as it is a simple dungeon crawl with minimal storyline continuity. I'm looking forward to seeing what everyone comes up with; again, a lot of them are getting their first exposure to D&D without much indoctrination into the culture, so it will be cool to see their fresh perspective on the genre.