Friday, December 30, 2011

Stories in the Chamber

I have about three million things to do before Codex Kalachnikova is ready for submission but I have at least one hurdle done-I have settled on a final list of names. The manuscript is done, just needs to be transcribed, but honestly looking at it, I'm kinda depressed that it took me this long just to settle on names. I had used placeholder names to make my progress faster, but I was regretting it later when I read some of the passages and was like "Sweet Zombie Jesus What A Stupid Name" and ditched it. I tried to come up with a good, consistent scheme for religious names-while keeping in mind that Watership Down is the post apocalypse equivalent to the Bible.

While I was angsting over names for this project, I diddled a couple of other projects on the side.

For one, I did an epic chunk (30,000 words) on a story about my nephandi. This is the biggest, stupidest waste of genuinely good writing I've ever done. I'm archiving it deep where no one can find out what a disturbed, self absorbed fuck up I am. Still, if I have a magnum opus in my life, somehow I think this story (not this segment, but his whole story) will be it-and really, that just makes it sadder, that my magnum opus is the ultimate form of Self Insertion Fan Fiction, with a dash of Multiverse theory.

I also completed another chapter to Last Call, Last Stand and worked out the rest of the outline. Jon Mackey, bless his godless heart, is still in limbo but I have some vague idea of where he will end up. I'm not sure if I want to publish it on ZS yet, though I should-I owe it to the folks who were reading my shit. Honestly i'm not wild about it. But Mackey does deserve an ending, doesn't he?

Finally, I also started two new projects, one based off this post (Crystal Menage) that dovetails into Lovecraftian Horror and one, my first actual zombie story, about an unusual and obscene Post Apocalyptic Romance. I'm debating whether to publish either on ZS (Well, the Crystal Menage is probably never going to be ZS appropriate) and waffling on the issue. I need another project like I need a hole in the taint, but I have really been enjoying doing both.

Really, I think it has all been creative stalling on finishing up Codex, but you feels good to write again, anyway.

Thursday, December 29, 2011

Faux Weed & Digital Cigarettes

Welcome WRSA vagabonds. (Ninja Edit: And Tam's readers as well) r I hope you'll enjoy your little stay here in the dark soiled basement of the internet. Please ignore the screaming and pleading for mercy; it goes away around lunchtime.

So I've been trying that fake weed shit more. There are two varieties I've been trying, one called "Mad Hatter" and one called "Baked Goods" both of which are available at gas stations and headshops near you. The cost is reasonable-20 bucks for about 3 grams, a bit shy of an eighth but legal at least. I don't plan on giving up real weed but Amanda might have to for a job. Honestly, it is also much safer to travel with, but make sure you have a piece just for the fake weed because otherwise they can still bust you for the resin.

Let me tell you my number one complaint first off-I am NOT wild about all the fucking stems in my fake weed. Seriously folks, you can't get away with that in a legal product. Imagine picking up a beer and then running it through a filter to get all the straw out of it-you wouldn't buy that fucking beer would you? But the fake weed companies get away with it because, hey, what are you gonna do about it? And the answer is, of course, bend over and take it up the tailpipe.

Anyway, beyond that-the shit gets you high. The Baked Goods is milder, with a longer lasting effect. It is also the better tasting of the two, being almost like the real deal. The Mad Hatter is stronger and has a shorter effect-you'll be stoned to the bone for about 45 minutes and completely sober within an hour and a half.

Both have their purpose but the Mad Hatter can get you real fucked up if you aren't careful. There is a stimulant agent of some kind and a couple of the crew were telling me it made their heart race and their vision blur. I never get that but I have a stupid crazy tolerance for stimulants. (This isn't bragging-it is an attribute that almost killed me.) The Baked Goods variety is more mellow but neither of them drags you down; you don't get dopey and tired, just dopey. That has a lot of advantages to a Stoner-Parent-On-The-Go. I especially like the short run time of the Mad Hatter-I can be good and stoned for awhile and still function in a short, predictable time period.

The other "drug substitute" I've been trying is an E Cigaratte. Gotta reduce that pack a day analog cigarette consumption-it was getting expensive. Indeed, perhaps the number one item in the plus column for these bad boys is the cost effect-once you pay the startup cost for the electronics, a carton's worth of E cig liquid only runs you about six bucks if you shop smart. The other big plus is that you can smoke anywhere-you can sit in the fucking courthouse and puff on that bad boy. I like that; its like a glowy middle finger.

Honestly, sensation wise, it feels only a little different from a real cigarette. The water vapor is a little heavier than smoke and you can feel that for sure. I use the menthol liquid and I like it-it is a real strong menthol and I like that in general. But they have a crazy variety of flavors and me and Amanda are gonna try some of the more exotic ones soon. I'm particularly excited about the Green Apple. Aesthetically I also like these things; the cigarette glow is a part of the experience I would have missed, and since the tip of the e cigarette glows in a variety of cool colors, you don't lose out on that. It curbs the nicotine craving and gives me something to do with my hands when I'm nervous, and I never have to worry about finding a lighter. I'm gonna wait until I completely give up analog cigarettes (I still smoke two or three a day) to render a final verdict, but the initial prognosis is good.

So there you have it, America-in case the burning question in your mind today was "What is the latest update in Chris By-The-Throat's various substance abuses?" There you have it, motherfucker.

Tuesday, December 27, 2011

Brady Talking Point Broadsides: Opening Salvo

Today on the chopping block, inspired by This Post, I'd like to address the issue of need. As in the constant whine of "Why do you NEED x? What are you going to use X for?" in regards to personal weaponry. This is a common question among Gun Owner Butts (as in "I'm a gun owner, but...") who wail and gnash their teeth because you don't use night vision scopes to hunt Bambi. Put quite simply, this question is some bullshit, and I've always got an answer. So here goes.

Q: "Why do you NEED high capacity magazines?"
A: "Because sometimes you have to kill a whole bunch of motherfuckers."

Q: "Why do you NEED armor piercing rounds?"
A: "Because sometimes you have to kill some motherfucker hiding on the other side of a wall."

Q: "Why do you NEED a fifty caliber sniper rifle?"
A: "Because sometimes you have to kill some motherfucker from a kilometer away."

Q: "Why do you need a night vision scope?"
A: "Because sometimes you have to kill some motherfuckers in the dark."

Bitches I can go on all day like this. Why do I NEED this shit? Well I dunno, genius, why were these items developed? Almost all of them had a purpose when they were developed. They designed AP to penetrate barricades. They designed night vision for killing motherfuckers in the dark. They developed standard ("high") capacity magazines to lessen the need to reload.

I'm sick of pretending that there are sporting purposes to my shit. I'm a survivalist and my weapons are for killing motherfuckers in a theoretical Mad Max future, and perhaps most importantly of all I don't have to justify shit to you, god damnit.

Choke on that, you fascist vermin.

Tuesday, December 20, 2011

My Castle

You wanna know what I want for Christmas?

A motherfucking castle.

When people ask me what my dream is, I tell them. Often they don't believe me. Other times, they just think I'm a grade A nutburger. (This is not an incorrect assumption.) But I can't help it; just like I'm wired to have multiple wives, I'm also wired to have a big motherfucking castle. Really the wiring problem is the same; I simply refuse to let go of my childhood dreams in any form. Society would tell me that this is an unacceptable lifestyle that is bound to result in disappointment on both fronts.

Fuck them.

I want a castle.

I want a two story castle made of rusty shipping containers, with sandbag crenellations, on a low rising hill with a good natural spring and a cleared field of fire out to 500 yards. I want a moat filled with the fiercest beasts I can muster, even if its just snapping turtles. I want a secret door in every room that leads to the Sexy Action Command Post. I want a back deck that combines a zen garden with an advanced shooting range. I want a water tower that doubles as a lookout post. I want windows with roll down ballistic shutters and firing slits. I want the whole thing to be sitting on 600 acres of prime Indiana hardwood with nary a public road in sight. I want a biofuel plant and a big woodlot. I want ATV trails and obstacle courses and secret tunnels and an epic treehouse as an RZ. I want a courtyard with a deep well and a chicken coop and an herb garden. I want my own badass dojo and gym right on the premises. I want one room just for bondage and discipline with two side by side cages with Amanda's name on one and the other marked ?????

I want all my homies living in the outlying cabins, with distance varying by curmudgeonliness. I want weekly field training exercises. I want to have weekly gaming sessions / strategy meetings in my basement command post. I want Amanda and Gracie to ride horses whenever they damn well please. I want an apple orchard and a stocked pond and a greenhouse. I want a green, sustainable living model wherein sewage is processed into electricity and fertilizer. I want fields of tobacco and hemp as far as the eye can see.

Seems to me the thing to do is become wealthy. I'm gonna get right on that. Later, bitches.

Sunday, December 11, 2011

Am I really gonna be the only gunblogger that covers this?

Check this; ya'll are gonna love this.

Armed Militia Musters In Defense of Occupy Phoenix

Ignore the smarmy liberal "ZOMG WHY WON'T YOU COUSIN FUCKING REDNECK FILTH JUST AGREE WITH US ALREADY?" tone. That is a personal bias of the author that is well demonstrated all over this leftist "news" website. Also ignore the fact that they take the SPLC at their word, which we all know is grievous oversight on the part of anyone that cares about anything besides their existing agenda.

I keep track of Occupy Bloomington and Occupy Indy as well. I read their message board and keep up on their various newsfeeds. Not because I agree with them, but because I like knowing what large groups of people in my AO are doing. Winter has thinned them out here, but there are still a few diehards. Bloomington is a smart town; they aren't kicking them out, just waiting for them to go back home with their frozen tails between their legs. I have no idea what they think they are accomplishing-virtually the entire working class of this town is laughing at them. Also, my delivery driver friends all say they don't tip for shit.

All that said, they have a right to protest and god help me, even wail away for more gun control. And their concerns with excessive police force are valid-I have voiced many of the same concerns over the years, even when the abuses are perpetuated on people that make me wanna puke, because it could be me next, you know?

So in general, this idea intrigues me, and I thought about making a serious diplomatic overture to them once, even had vague ideas of bringing my pack of scumfucks with AKs and a pot of chili to make a formal stand. But you know what? These folks have gun control firmly on their agenda, at least at every general assembly I wandered by, and I think a sharp lesson on what happens when the government has guns and you don't is in order here.

So no, I'm not going to show up with AKs and chili to protect the right of free speech in btown. I'm just gonna keep popcorn on standby and eat the fucking chili myself.

To the cute widdle idealists at #OWS and #occupybloomington : I acknowledge you have some valid talking points. But when that liberal honeymoon comes to an end and the Leviathan realizes you won't be content swapping a bunch of R's for D's...don't come crying to me. I don't have any interest in fighting for those too cowardly to fight for themselves. Hope the pepper spray is keeping you warm.