Wednesday, July 28, 2010

My Big Fat Racist Post

"Ever since man first left his cave and met a stranger with a different language and a new way of looking at things, the human race has had a dream: to kill him, so we don't have to learn his language or his new way of looking at things."

Why hello, there. Chris By-The-Throat here. Welcome to my well appointed and poorly lit parlour. Take a seat on my comfortable chaise lounge, my dear friend, and take a lick off this spliff. Believe me, the stuff I say makes much more sense that way. I thought we should take the time to chat about racism-what it is, what it means, and how we react to it. So put your feet up on my coffee table, don't mind the screams from the sex dungeon, and lets rap.

I am a racist-and so are you.

Let's dig into what racism really is. Racism is a deeply rooted human fear from the dusty cobwebs of our genetic urges. It is epitomized by my earlier quote from Earthican Rear Admiral Zapp Brannigan. With all the Ethnic American studies and feel good nonsense removed from it, it is nothing more than an automatic distaste of anything that doesn't look exactly like you. It is an artifact from a time when we killed motherfuckers to keep them away from our rancid fruit trees when we weren't dragging our women around by the hair or picking lice off each other. Sociologists say that all groups tend towards a homogeneous population given enough time, and the sociobiologist will say that this is why-deep in our genetic instructions is that mistrust of anything that does not share our DNA. That is all racism is-archaic genetic code that is still present. Everyone has it, because everyone evolved from the same fucking primordial soup; no one race has a monopoly on it no matter how badly some people would like to believe it is so, and furthermore, no one can do anything about it. That is what it is, and for good or ill, it will be like that until we evolve past Homo Sapiens and leave all our genetic detritus behind us.

It is fundamentally nothing more than an urge-like the urge to fuck, to spread our DNA. And that is where we get to the meat of this little discussion, my dear friend. Because we are treating that unconscious urge the same way the Victorians treated fucking. We acknowledge its presence, we accuse other people of it, but we only talk about it with shame and disgust, and occasional venom. We never see it in ourselves, or if we do, we never admit to it and often we make careers out of pointing it out like a rabid witch hunter ferreting out a medieval lesbian to mask the disgust we feel with ourselves for having it. But it is, despite its deplorable results, fundamentally a natural human urge, one shared by every breathing person on this planet, except perhaps for the truly transcendent like Jesus Christ, Buddha, or G.G. Allin. Shaming it, concealing it, cursing it-all of that only obfuscates the problem, it does not solve it.

It is, like the sex drive, not an urge that should be indulged freely-just like you don't see a hot girl on the street and kick her in the face so you can drag her to your car, you shouldn't let that deep rooted instinct sour your relations with persons who are not like you. But you need to acknowledge that every person has this instinct, this ugly little mental artifact, and that starts with you, yourself. Before you go out howling for blood in the streets because of this racist or that racist you need to take a look within the I-heart, because you have that same racist urge there, my friend. We all do, deep in places where we have been conditioned to be afraid to look.

Don't think this means that the KKK or the Aztlan Nation or the (Insert Ethnicity) Supremacy movement are any less made up of douches because of this post-those who make racism their primary purpose in life are sad, retarded creatures who deserve our pity and our boundless, Christlike love, unless they cross the line into violence in which case they deserve a shitload of .45 caliber ventilation. But having the urge buried in your genes does not make you morally equivalent to them any more than wanting to fuck that hot chick behind the coffee shop counter makes you morally equivalent to a rapist.

And this nuevo victorian attitude towards it is not getting us anywhere, and hasn't gotten us anywhere ever since we adopted it, any more than the actual Victorian's attitudes about sex protected them from syphilis. If we are going to solve this problem, start with your own sins, and move out. Don't spit accusations and call for burning at the stake. First acknowledge the darkness in your own heart, and then educate and uplift your brother with boundless love, and then if the cocksucker tries anything stupid, empty your magazine in his ass. Those are the three steps to ending racism. That, and nothing else, will save us from this plague.

Sunday, July 18, 2010

Red Dead Reprobates: The Slaughter Gang Rides Again

If you have noticed a lack of blog content lately, despite my having a week without the wife and kid, lay the blame firmly at the feet of Red Dead Redemption, which has sucked me into some sort of sexy, improbable time vortex with a kick ass grainy filter.

The game's presentation is exquisite, with all the requisite homework done. There is a convenient travel feature that allows you to skip from destination to destination without riding through all the territory in between, but in my playthrough of story mode I almost never used it, because there is just too much awesome shit to see and do between towns. My first journey from one town to another involved a hunting trip that became the world's largest deer massacre, a lynching that I failed to prevent, and some jerk ass smacking me off my horse and trying to ride away with it. The story is woven seamlessly in with the mechanics.

I honestly pored over this game with a fine toothed comb looking for something to complain about, and came up with two things.

Number one, there is almost too much dialogue. Some of the cut scenes go on and on. I can tell they do this to give the supporting characters some depth, but really I think you spend too much time sitting on your ass listening to people you don't care about talk about their feelings. However, I seldom skipped one either-the game was too immersive and by the end I had a surprising amount invested emotionally into these supporting cast members. My favorite is Seth the grave robber.

There are also a few points where the music just bursts in, occasionally with lyrics and in at least one case in the form of a soft rock emo number that totally shattered the aforementioned deep immersion while I was rampaging through mexico killing anything that looked at me funny.

But on the whole my impression was fantastic, and the game was good from start to finish. More of my friends are getting it and we are about to seriously crack open the multiplayer, which we have only dabbled in before. Just the multiplayer lobby is so much fun its painful, though-the game sort of defaults to a free roam slaughter fest while you wait around for a match, and is definitely a good fix to the broken GTA4 matchmaking system-or should I say wait around a lobby for two fucking hours system, as no matches were or ever will be made with it.

I'm feeling a powerful lust for a lever action carbine with a matching revolver in .357 magnum though. I need to stop playing this game before I add another freaking caliber to my ammo stockpile.

Then again, I already have the hat....

Interesting Times

We now live in a world where Obama makes me long for the fiscal sense and moderation of the Clinton administration, and Twilight makes me really admire the cinematic timing and stellar dialogue of Blade.

What the fuck is going on here?

Monday, July 5, 2010

Bursting with Comedic Potential

Saw this which refers to the SPEAK OUT AGAINST THE SISLEY (sic) STREET VANDALS facebook page.

So there are only 5 members as of 804 EST on the 5th.

Most of you would probably not qualify me as a defender of liberty, but this smells like a group ripe for mass infiltration & trolling. I may be a pothead, but that I can manage at least.

They forgot to phrase it correctly for facebook users; it should have been IF TEN THOUSAND PEOPLE LIKE THIS THE POLICE WILL ARREST MIKE VANDERBOEGH AND U WILL FIND UR TRUE LOVE!!!1!eleven!! FOR REALZ!