Recon

Friday, November 26, 2010

5 Things in the Pot Debate I Wish Would Go Away

5. "Smoking pot is a political statement and makes me a subversive." Listen, you lazy ass stoner, sitting on your couch and getting high is not a subversive act. If you are smoking to make a political point, stop now because all you are doing is feeding the criminal versions of the corporate fascists you hate so much anyway. If you really want to be subversive, you need to be growing your own.

4. "Marijuana is a gateway drug and if you smoke it, you'll end up giving handjobs behind the crackhouse for ever and ever." You know what is funny about the reefer, Vanilla America? THC is the chemical that gets the most attention, but there are a LOT of psychoactive chemicals in weed, all of which can vary wildly by strain. So when you start developing a tolerance to what you are smoking, all you have to do is switch from an indica to a sativa or even just to a different strain. So there is no point where you need to pass the D.A.R.E. note that just says "COCAINE" on a folded slip of paper (You remember that shit?) because the weed is not working for you anymore. Trust me, I know some old ass stoners who still get ripped as fuck all the time (My mom is kind of a lightweight) and haven't touched anything besides weed.

3. "I don't want legalized weed because it will get all corporate and stuff." You are a stupid shit. You are just too much of a pussy to shoot meth into your scrotum, and you are afraid that once herb is no longer a safe way to rebel, you'll have to move up to harder drugs to prove what a cool, iconoclastic, hip motherfucker you are. Listen to me: all of the great innovations in human history were not made when a thing was discovered, but when a thing was made cheap. I'm talking about a pack of 20 joints for the price of a pack of cigarettes. I'm talking about real, above ground development of new, high quality strains with no seeds or stems and a million crazy blunt wrap flavors. And best of all, people won't 'Tsk tsk' if you get shot in the fucking face during a no knock. Suck my dick, you pretentious fuck.

2. "If we let everyone smoke weed then no one will go out and get jobs and stuff." Point of order-plenty of motherfuckers who don't smoke weed are out of a job right now, homie. And furthermore, have you ever worked in the service industry, or even seen it? It runs on weed and addies and whiskey, baby, and if you think it doesn't, you've never been to the closeout party. And I wouldn't have it any other way.

1. "Weed is used to take advantage of women sexually, and I don't want my daughter to be molested." I'm not sure what you think people use alcohol for now, dude, but let me give you an example of two Chris By-The-Throats. CBTT-A is slamming tequila shooters and snorting coke off your hot daughter in an abandoned factory in the middle of nowhere, and CBTT-B is smoking AK-47 out of a huge bong with your hot daughter on his couch while they watch Code Monkeys. Which one do you think is more likely to rape her? If you said CBTT-A, congratulations, you have half a brain. If you said CBTT-B, it is because you've never seen him struggle to rape a bag of generic Captain Crunch. As a side note, this technique is a slight variation on "They is gonna rape our beeyootiful white women!"

And while I'm at it, can we please get rid of those "Above the Influence" commercials? Do you ever wonder how many of those hip actor kids go off after principal shooting to get high and pop valiums?

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